A Spoonful of Sugar

Dan and I sat on the couch researching double bike trailers for a bit and then he drifted to the office to do some work. Ugh, work, even the word makes me feel like drooling and shutting down. But he’s not as tied to the need to completely veg after the kids are asleep as I am. So he plops down into the leather office chair, and I can hear the air being forced from the cushion and the familiar settling sound his body makes before the computer, the wheels rolling about to get into work position. Ugh. Work. And then… I hear… Mary Poppins. Yup, she’s belting out A Spoonful of Sugar. Here’s Dan, sitting down to reconcile bank accounts and analyze sales figures, and the cheerful singing of Mary Poppins is by his side on the second monitor. I just smiled, sidled into the doorway and asked him if he was looking for something to keep him motivated and awake. He chuckled and…

I walked away chuckling…

And then I grabbed a thought from my brain. It wasn’t a conscious decision that I made when I set out on my day today, but I found myself trying to smile more often than I have been lately. It’s not too hard to smile MORE than I have been, as my face feels droopy most of the time like I forgot how to so easily do so, and for no given reason. Jamis does that funny dance with hands grazing the air aimlessly and his :look at me: face and yeah, I smile. Max rushes into the room and screams mama and yeah, I smile. Ethan starts flapping his hands and throwing his body into a backdive over and over again when he’s on my lap and yeah, I smile. Dan tunes into Mary Poppins while making business decisions and crunching numbers, yeah yeah, smile smile.

But do I ever just smile in response to feeling good in any given moment. As a response that is all my own, and not directed toward someone else? Not so much anymore. I feel like I used to feel happier. And yet, I wouldn’t have life any other way (except for time and money). It’s like how you can tell when that person on the other end of the phone is really doing well cuz you can hear the smile in their voice, over the phone. It makes you feel good to know that they are smiling, and makes you smile too.

I need a little sugar in my life. I keep thinking vacation vacation vacation and that’s just damn impossible. Three boys and work, I can’t get away, I can’t send the boys away. So it’s me and them and this life all at once, all the time, all crazy and messy and candid. I need some resolve that it’s life and it’s all mine and it’s the only one I’m living. If the sweet idea of relaxing on the beach or even in my own bedroom isn’t possible on this day, the least I can TRY to do is smile sweetly for no one else but for me – to make it easier to get through.

And the thing is, my sugar makes all the smiles sweeter in this house. Happy breeds happy. Optimism changes all of us. And I’m supposed to be this big, shining example. So shine on!

Hopefully I remember this all tomorrow when I wake up and it’s still cold out and it’s too early to think and someone bumps me with my hot coffee cup and the baby refuses to stay still while I change his poopy pants and I have to remind Jamis twelve times to brush his teeth and pack his snack and…….