Jury Duty

So I had jury duty today. No comment.
I’m home now and just got off the treadmill. Trying to reacclimate my body to lunges and crunches and the whomp whomp foot pattern of the treadmill is like another full-time job. I feel invigorated by my run and grateful for the new TV in the basement which allowed me to distract myself from heavy breathing and sticky lips and head straight into the overly dramatic lives of the girls on The L Word. I have nothing and everything to say, and all at once, or not at all. I think I need my own jury to make some decisions around here – up in my brain. What comes out, to whom, how often, and when.

Our father was an attorney. Taught me most of everything I know about weighing two sides, walking in another man’s shoes, and yet I tend to decide everything like my mother would – impulsively. I love to make plans and yet find it so hard to stick to them. I need momentum. That word keeps ringing in my ears. I think I heard or saw a saying recently about how motivation is what gets you started and momentum is what keeps you going. In motherhood, I suppose you could say that the birth of the child is the commencement of a momentum you just can’t stop even if you wanted to. But there are lulls. Yes, yes, the ebb and flow of life. All has it’s ups and downs. But what do we choose to focus on at any given time? There is just too much.

Sitting here, in my unmade bed, the down comforter in a big, jumbled ball from Max playing underneath it this morning, knowing that there are toys and dishes strewn all about, bills to pay, and a sweaty bod to wash, I feel paralyzed by all that needs doing. So often I feel just paralyzed. It’s hard to stay focused because it just never ends. Mountains of laundry, stacks of dishes, scattered toys, incoming bills and a little time to yourself. It all needs doing.

I suppose it often feels there are 12 tiny heads inside this one brain and they are trying to weigh all the options and figure out the best solution. Thing is, there isn’t one solution. There are so many. But now I choose to wash my workout bod and everything else can wait. I mean, cleanliness of self just HAS to be a priority. :)