I am so terrifically mad at my husband right now that I want to spit. I shouldn’t even be writing about this here. It’s not a place to give people the wrong impression that I live with a terrible person or something. That’s not the case, so please take it as only a moment in time, a moment in my mind that I absolutely must purge before it throws me down under where I can’t think of anything else, where I breathe anger, eat anger and cry anger. And please be kind enough to deal with the run-on sentences, as that is how my mind thinks at a time like this – there is no rhyme or reason, just that crazy stream of consciousness that IS getting your thoughts out as quick as you can before they vanish and you move on to trying to be reasonable. I don’t want to be reasonable right now. I want to scream. And it’s not PMS, dammit, it’s just me. Sometimes it’s like this. Sometimes I’m mad. At people other than my children. At my husband. And at myself.
I no longer keep any kind of a diary or journal. It’s always been my tendency to write in one when I was mad anyway, leaving the times of joy and satisfaction to speak for themselves. Using the pen and the paper to work through the madness and rage that come when you are truly in despair, or just need to vent. So I suppose this land of blog is the closest thing I have to an open book and an inky pen. The only difference being that I no longer write only when disturbed, and not only about the disturbing. Although I must say that an awful lot of what has come out so far is about how difficult and seemingly tortuous it is on most days to parent three children, while working, while wife-ing, while housekeeping… But it’s not all tortuous. I realize I must be giving off the wrong impression. Oh well. It’s one post at a time and this time it’s about how it’s just so easy to burn the fuck out.
I recently searched online for the identity of someone’s mysterious rash, or the reason for their fever, or what it means when poop is yellow, or what will happen to me if I don’t start getting a full night’s sleep SOON (I’m starting to think my synapses will stop firing and I’ll no longer be able to retain new information let alone access the facts I thought I already knew or the memories I told myself I’d never forget. Oh wait, that’s already happening. Shit!) I found an article relating to my current problem at Dr. Sears and now I get a monthly newsletter. Monthly Shmonthly, who has the time to read more mommy tips? Not me. So I usually pause my finger on the delete button just long enough to read three or four words and then send the thing off to the land of Junk E-mails and Advertisements. On Monday I read the words, Avoiding Mommy Burnout. Hmm, I thought. What does Dr. Sears have to say about Avoiding Mommy Burnout? I truly imagined the article to be a compilation of all the things that other mothers would love to tell you when you were pregnant with your first babe: sleep when he sleeps and take lots of walks, etc. etc. etc. Read it for yourself if you like. It’s not so bad, but I think it mostly applies to infancy, and ONE child!
Today I have my own special segment on what it takes to Avoid Mommy Burnout:
Part I
- Be honest with yourself and with your partner
- Resolve arguments with your partner
- Have more sex with your partner
Now, I know this excludes all single parents out there, and I apologize. And obviously these first three tips are directly related to the fact that everything I do and say right now is tainted with anger for my husband and our argument this morning. An argument, mind you, that was merely about whether it should be a rule or not that my oldest son always wear a t-shirt under his long-sleeved shirt. Yes, I know, you had to be there. How can I be so alarmingly upset over something so seemingly trivial? But with every argument there is a backstory, right? The feelings of stress and anger that rise up during one of these fights brings forth a flood of annoying moments that I never worked through. Reasons to be mad. Even more mad. Words that were spoken and hurt; words that were never spoken and should have been. And it all relates to feelings of overall burnout or, as I think more appropriately termed, burn UP, cause that’s how I feel when it all becomes too much: over-fueled, breathing heavy, ashen.
There is an overwhelming responsibility in being the mother of a family. As Jen said, the appointed CEO. And no, I never wanted my own business either. But this business of family is quite serious. You are responsible for the lives and well-being of these little people. It’s a good thing they make you laugh along the way because otherwise it might seem like a burden. (Okay, Nah!) So, tips to avoid Mommy Burnout? I’m gonna give it another go but would love to hear from others out there.
Part II
- Try not to stay mad – at anyone, including yourself
- Get exercise – mostly the kids so they’re worn out by sunset, but you should get off your ass too and increase those endorphins!
- Have plenty of sex – again with the endorphins and, uh, the other parts of your body you can’t always see
- Don’t take any advice you wouldn’t give
- Have plenty of popsicles on hand
- Speak freely and at great length with someone you feel most connected to – that’s you, Jen
- Forget about perfection – use the word only to describe your children (on a good day)
- Remember that you are what you eat – if you eat junk, you’ll feel like junk
- Let your mother feel guilt, fear and remorse, you don’t have time for it
- Hire someone to clean your house if you can (thanks, ME, I think I might!)
- Breathe and believe – in yourself, in time, and in your kids
So I look at this list and I think that I should start taking my own advice. I’m worn out, you see, from this morning’s argument. It has permeated every action thus far today – my angry driving, the extra cup of coffee, ignoring my growling stomach, buckling down at work and accomplishing the I HATE TO DO IT pile that I’m always accumulating. But I sit now and breathe out loud once, now twice, and feel, for a calm moment, that the whistling down the hall won’t bother me, the ringing phones and the intercom will no longer jar me, that this anger I feel toward my husband for all the things he is and for all the things he is not will surely fade. And I will feel, once again, lucky for my life.
I think I’ll tack this list to my cork board in the office.
I think I’ll tack this list to my mirror by the bed, and by the kitchen sink.
I think I’ll make it a point to add a similar list to our site, and continue to add to it.
Because I need a hundred reminders in a day just how to make it through with grace instead of by the skin of my teeth. And that I’m lucky. I’m oh so lucky to have a man and three boys share my world. Even if they make me spit flames from time to time.
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Don’t forget your OWN dreams
Even though maybe you’re not actively working toward achieving Pulitzer Prize-winning status every day, I really feel like it’s important to remember that you have other things to offer yourself AND your family. Being a great mom and partner means remember what you love as YOU (stay tuned …)
Cannot believe the rage sometimes. The mommy rage, the wife rage, the ME rage. Sometimes it just flashes, and sometimes it sticks around for days (weeks). My husband is usually the target (and he’s not always innocent). Anyway. Yes. I understand. And I like your list. (And the sex? Helps enormously.)
This post is the reason I started blogging and started reading blogs. Not because of any of the words you said, but because there is, as goldfish says, so much rage sometimes. And the gravity of this, the feeling that it’s so f—ing important makes it really hard to take a deep breath sometimes.
I love this line: “It’s one post at a time and this time it’s about how it’s just so easy to burn the fuck out.”
I’m glad I found you two. Or Eight. Or Ten, however it works.
btw, I’m always hoping Drs. Sears have the answers. Or Pantley or Leach or someone. But apparently, they’ve never met me or my kid or my husband, and they sound like they’re giving advice from three doors down…just far enough that it doesn’t quite work, even if I’m sure they’re right.
Wow. Great post. THANKS for writing it. You put into words what I feel so often: rage, anger, BURN OUT. At what? All of it and nothing. The dishes, my job, the kids, the lack of time, the piles of laundry, the inability and need to do it all and be it all. What a great idea…a list written by US (honest moms) to keep us going. Brilliant. So glad Jen found MY blog, because now I’ve found yours!!!
I only have one child at the moment so I feel your burn out at about 3% of its total force – acknowledging that with every child, burn out potential grows exponentially. I am glad I found the list before I can’t remember how to read. But more importantly, thanks for blogging about back-story rage. I was looking for a label. (“hormones” just aren’t sufficient anymore)
We have the same life. I would write something more and perhaps even clever but I am just way too tired.
Marilyn,
I adore that you’ve read such an old, old post. It is sooooo long that I can barely even skim it now. Why? So tired. So burnt out. It’s a year later and I am STILL burnt out and should probably go back and read my own advice.
One question: how the heck did I even have enough brain power back then to put such a LIST together? Can barely formulate a single cohesive thought IN A DAY now.
:)
Twitter: Momalom
Hi Sarah,
Thanks for your note back to me. Your blog hit home more than you know- right down to the fight with my husband on the way into the office. Your note back made me cry and then cheered me up. It helps to learn that I am not alone. I run a business, have three kids under ten, and a husband with a demanding job and there are days when I think that I am going to loose my mind. I have a nanny, a supportive husband, friends etc…But there are days when I’m not sure how I am going to keep it all together. I have no idea how women with fewer resources manage. I am President and CEO of it all and it would be nice if someone else took charge once in a while. Thanks for sharing and listening.
It’s good to know that I’m not alone. Because I’m surrounded by people who focus on my mental illness as an excuse to ignore what I’m saying, and it’s so hard. So other mothers feel rage sometimes, too. Maybe I’m not as crazy as folks think.
I am a husband looking for ways to help my wife with Mommy Burnout. She is burnt, there is no denying it. She is exhausted, irritable and angry most of the day long. Some days seem to be OK, most days are filled with anger stemming from burnout.
We have 2 kids, a 6 month old girl and a 5 year old boy. My wife also works 20-30 hours per week at home. She is also a perfectionist. I know it is the perfect storm for Mommy burnout.
I flip between trying to an attentive listener wihout offering solutions…which will usually get me an earful about how I need to “do something about it”. I have tried to recommend solutions like “why don’t you make plans with your friends and I’ll take the kids”…which usually get me an earful of “you just don’t understand”.
I wish I had more time to provide more details. I need to help her but I just don’t know what to do any longer.
She is probably so burnt out that the prospect of “making plans with her friends” is overwhelming and doesn’t seem worth it. What she needs is for someone else (you, most likely) to make it as easy as possible for her to take a break. If she is the “get out of the house” kind of person, come home from work, hand her keys to the car and a gift card to a spa and tell her “you have an appointment for a massage in 20 minutes. I’ve got the kids.” (make the appointment for her first). If that’s not her thing, buy her a movie ticket or something or gift card to a restaurant/bookstore/etc. Give her everything she needs to get out of the house: funds, time, plans. Tell her it doesn’t matter when she comes home, you can do bedtime alone. If she’s not the kind that finds going out to be relaxing, you can still do this for her. Come home with her favorite wine/chocolate/magazine/pizza whatever and immediately put both kids in the car (without asking her for help) and take them out somewhere (restaurant, library, park, mall, grocery store, book store) for a few hours. Bring them home, put them to bed by yourself, and see if you can figure out a chore that she usually does that you can do for her, but don’t just ask “Do you need help with anything?”
The main reasons I never helped myself when I felt burned out where that it just felt too hard to plan to go anywhere and it seemed easier to do all the chores myself than to ask anyone for help. The best thing you can do fer her is to take some of the initiative yourself.
@John help with the chores, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, and cooking! If u have the money manicure and pedicures once or twice/month. Most importantly accept her outbursts and rants w/out lashing back out @ her.
Twitter: jendryburgh