My youngest is six months old. She is my calmest baby. And she will be my last. Saying this brings with it much relief and a strange sadness. I so desperately wanted a third child. Within minutes of the birth of my second I knew I didn’t want to be finished just yet. And I wondered and worried for more than two years until J and I decided we were meant to have another. Deciding to have a child is such a powerful and yet naive action.
Now I know that I cannot go through another pregnancy. The longing for a baby, another baby, is not so acute, and besides, my body couldn’t handle another pregnancy. (Many long stories here.) Maybe this is why I feel I am enjoying Em so much–dare I say it–more than the first two? I never had PPD or even the baby blues, but I feel nothing but joy with this last blessing. With B, my first, he was, well, my first. So even though I really wasn’t all that worried about being in charge of a newborn, he was in fact new and so was I–a new mom. He was also very difficult. Gassy. Sleepless. Demanding. And he continues to be my most challenging. S came so quickly after B and I remember so little of her babyhood that I can’t even tell you when she first sat up or rolled over or… But with Em, I am so thrilled and COMFORTABLE with her very existence that I just let her be. She is easy to attend to. Doesn’t get too ruffled when I can’t get there fast enough. And I don’t worry about much. Is there a natural progression that leads to the changes in mothering one’s last child? A kind of necessary relaxation of control?
With Em’s every achievement, from discovering her hands to “crawling” backwards and getting her diapered behind wedged under the couch, I find myself smiling. And not worrying about when, or what’s next, or what it all means, or even what she will be when she gets bigger. I know she will get there. I have watched her two older siblings go from baby to toddler to preschooler and beyond. It all happens, this growing up and developing into unique individuals, and it doesn’t much seem to matter how I feel about it. So this time, I’m hoping to continue to be a little more at ease with the whole process. To enjoy it as it’s happening. To step back a little more and observe. Because I know Em is the last of my babies. And I don’t want to miss anything.
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I know this sweet feeling of taking your time. No pace, just leisure with the baby, because the baby Really IS the baby, forever now. I’m sad to think I am through having babies. Mostly, I am sad to think that I will not have a daughter and that I’ll have the only ovaries in the house. The only hormonal rage. And surrounded by an army of penises.
Sarah just left a comment on my blog. I clicked over here. I wish I could keep reading; I’m hooked! I feel like you are speaking for me…. My baby is also my baby. There will be no more. I knew before he was born that I wanted another, and I knew after he was born that I was done. It is a little sad. And a lot beautiful. Thank you for a wonderful post. And blog.
Welcome! It’s amazing that inner maternal voice, isn’t it? One of the strangest things about having a third has been that my previous “baby” turned into a middle child overnight. I feel kind of sad about that and more protective of her than of my oldest.
I so relate to that. My second daughter is my last and I feel comfortable and calm and am able to close the door on each milestone we pass. Last bottle, last teething toy, last diaper…who am I kidding. We’re not nearly as close to that one as I wish we were.
Hi ladies – decided to go back into the archives since I am a new reader. This post nailed exactly for me how I feel about my 3rd. First two came in 18 months of each other and left nothing but a blurr of crying and diapers and bottles and nooks in their wake. Then we waited. We thought we were ‘done”. However, I believe Someone was listening 4.5 years prior to that date when I said, immediately after #2 was placed in my arms, that I wanted #3.
He is my joy, my angel, my squirt. I remember all his milestones, and I reveled in each new skill he has aquired. I had no sense of “let’s just figure out how to use the POTTY already!!” like I did with the first two. I have, without question or apology, enjoyed him most of all. Because he is my last. Because I took the time to stop and relish in it all.
Gotta love this crazy world with three!!