My youngest is six months old. She is my calmest baby. And she will be my last. Saying this brings with it much relief and a strange sadness. I so desperately wanted a third child. Within minutes of the birth of my second I knew I didn’t want to be finished just yet. And I wondered and worried for more than two years until J and I decided we were meant to have another. Deciding to have a child is such a powerful and yet naive action.
Now I know that I cannot go through another pregnancy. The longing for a baby, another baby, is not so acute, and besides, my body couldn’t handle another pregnancy. (Many long stories here.) Maybe this is why I feel I am enjoying Em so much–dare I say it–more than the first two? I never had PPD or even the baby blues, but I feel nothing but joy with this last blessing. With B, my first, he was, well, my first. So even though I really wasn’t all that worried about being in charge of a newborn, he was in fact new and so was I–a new mom. He was also very difficult. Gassy. Sleepless. Demanding. And he continues to be my most challenging. S came so quickly after B and I remember so little of her babyhood that I can’t even tell you when she first sat up or rolled over or… But with Em, I am so thrilled and COMFORTABLE with her very existence that I just let her be. She is easy to attend to. Doesn’t get too ruffled when I can’t get there fast enough. And I don’t worry about much. Is there a natural progression that leads to the changes in mothering one’s last child? A kind of necessary relaxation of control?
With Em’s every achievement, from discovering her hands to “crawling” backwards and getting her diapered behind wedged under the couch, I find myself smiling. And not worrying about when, or what’s next, or what it all means, or even what she will be when she gets bigger. I know she will get there. I have watched her two older siblings go from baby to toddler to preschooler and beyond. It all happens, this growing up and developing into unique individuals, and it doesn’t much seem to matter how I feel about it. So this time, I’m hoping to continue to be a little more at ease with the whole process. To enjoy it as it’s happening. To step back a little more and observe. Because I know Em is the last of my babies. And I don’t want to miss anything.
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I know this sweet feeling of taking your time. No pace, just leisure with the baby, because the baby Really IS the baby, forever now. I’m sad to think I am through having babies. Mostly, I am sad to think that I will not have a daughter and that I’ll have the only ovaries in the house. The only hormonal rage. And surrounded by an army of penises.
Sarah just left a comment on my blog. I clicked over here. I wish I could keep reading; I’m hooked! I feel like you are speaking for me…. My baby is also my baby. There will be no more. I knew before he was born that I wanted another, and I knew after he was born that I was done. It is a little sad. And a lot beautiful. Thank you for a wonderful post. And blog.
Welcome! It’s amazing that inner maternal voice, isn’t it? One of the strangest things about having a third has been that my previous “baby” turned into a middle child overnight. I feel kind of sad about that and more protective of her than of my oldest.
I so relate to that. My second daughter is my last and I feel comfortable and calm and am able to close the door on each milestone we pass. Last bottle, last teething toy, last diaper…who am I kidding. We’re not nearly as close to that one as I wish we were.
Hi ladies – decided to go back into the archives since I am a new reader. This post nailed exactly for me how I feel about my 3rd. First two came in 18 months of each other and left nothing but a blurr of crying and diapers and bottles and nooks in their wake. Then we waited. We thought we were ‘done”. However, I believe Someone was listening 4.5 years prior to that date when I said, immediately after #2 was placed in my arms, that I wanted #3.
He is my joy, my angel, my squirt. I remember all his milestones, and I reveled in each new skill he has aquired. I had no sense of “let’s just figure out how to use the POTTY already!!” like I did with the first two. I have, without question or apology, enjoyed him most of all. Because he is my last. Because I took the time to stop and relish in it all.
Gotta love this crazy world with three!!
Samantha! Did I ever respond to this amazing comment? I am re-reading it now and I’m so grateful for your words.
I so understand. But there are days, every once and a while, when I wish, just a little, that it wasn’t so. And it makes me a bit sad, until I think of potty training a fourth child.
I hear you, sister. We are just at the beginning stages of the big train. I am SO not into it. And, of course, I can’t run to her right away like I could with the other two. I have a feeling she’s just going to have to do it herself. Make a decision to just give up diapers and use the potty. I’m seriously considering letting her go bottomless as soon as the weather is warm enough.
You say so much with so little.
Thank you, friend.
I love the image of the diapered bottom wedged under the couch. I thought a lot about it before deciding to only have my one.
Cute indeed. And yet, after more than seven years of diapering, I am READY for no more!
My third is my final too, and she and I are now navigating that step out of preschool and on to the kindergarten bus next fall. I was weepy for moments, during her first year, when I knew it was my last round of firsts, and we are nearing one more. I’m thrilled she is becoming so big, and so much a part of the expanding dialogue in this house, but she will forever be my baby too. I have to stop writing…the part of my cheeks that tightens for both tears and smiles is getting a bit overworked right now.
You’ve said it all. My littlest will enter preschool next year. And I’m trying not to think about it too much, because I’m not ready. SHE’S clearly ready, of course. And that is what it’s all about. The conflicts of mothering are not so different from the shared cheek muscles that generate our smiles and hold back our tears. Love that!
A lovely post, and I read it at a lovely time for me. I am pregnant with my 3rd (last) child and have all the little logistical fears about it, but then i think of all the magic that you mentioned and i’m so happy. Then to read it (how I think i’ll feel) from an experienced mum-of-3 inspires me and makes me so excited that I get all that again. Thankyou!
Ros! Thank you for this comment. It really made my day. Congrats to you and your soon-to-be family of three children! It’s great fun, really! The logistical fears are good to have. Believe me. But soon you just may realize that there’s no time for them anymore. You just do what you need to do when you need to do it. And before you know it, that littlest one will be two-and-a-half and you’ll be looking at her wide eyed wondering where her babyhood went. (For instance!)