This statement came to me at B’s b’day party, and I can’t stop thinking about it. A mom of two, whom I don’t know well, just walked right up and said it. What all those other folks seem to be thinking, although with more of a question mark/exclamation mark sound.
“Yes,” I said. “We did.”
Turns out she wants more children. I’ve only had one other person ask me straight out what it’s like to have three. The rest of the time I feel like I’m the anomaly in the town. Even though I can give you plenty of examples of moms of three if you ask, thank you very much. But hey, you asked, so here’s what I’ll tell you about wanting more kids. About going from having two kids to having three.
You should consider how much control you like to have in your life. If control is something you need (and perhaps something you already feel as if you are lacking) another kid is probably going to throw you a teensy bit off balance.
Did you say you like to have sex? Well, enjoy it while you’re in the “trying” phase, because after that kid comes, it may well be impossible to do the deed. Between the complete exhaustion (see below) and the fact that there are now THREE children who may need you at any point during the day AND night, well, sex just isn’t that practical.
Did I mention the total exhaustion? It is exponentially greater with the second kid, right? With the third you are off the charts. You may find yourself stumbling through the day wondering where you put those children. Not to worry, though, they will let you know with their neverending demands.
Don’t worry about three more years of diapers. Really. If this is your only concern, go for it. The poop is so the easy part.
Chaos. Very similar to sleep, although inverted. The more kids, the more chaos. Off the charts. Know this.
Hugs. There is always someone to hug. (And someone who needs one…)
Noise. You will spend much of your time trying to regulate noise. Around nap times for the littlest one. And when no one is sleeping, someone will always be talking. Usually you.
Your body. OK, folks, here it is. My body made it through two pregnancies, two births and two sessions of breastfeeding (28 months total). And then came the third pregnancy. I have not bounced back. And, it is pretty clear, I’m not going to. If I want that body back, I’m going to have to work for it.
Longing. Do you long for another child? I did. None of the above had anything to do with it. I just knew I wanted one. I knew immediately after I had my second that I wanted one. I worried that maybe I was going to interrupt the zen of two parents and two kids (who are very sweet together when they’re buddies and getting along). I worried that I was being selfish. That I was tempting fate to ask for another healthy child. But I knew in my heart and my gut that if I didn’t have another child I would regret it and I would wonder What If for a long, long, long time.
Em has completed our family. She was meant to be. And, ultimately, all that other stuff doesn’t matter. I am lucky because I have a partner who is truly a co-parent. Who is understanding and supportive and funny. Who loves the children and didn’t balk when I wanted three. Who knew, in fact, that I wanted a third without me telling him. It’s hard sometimes (like, oh, say, EVERY DAY). But I know that we are all in this together. And that’s the most important thing you need to know. It has to be the right decision for the whole family. Not just for you. I was lucky.
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Awesome post.
I really appreciate the honesty. I’ve been pretty sure I didn’t want a third (especially after I was surprised by a third pregnancy this fall and then surprised again three weeks later with a miscarriage)but part of me felt guilty for feeling that way.
It’s nice to know that I would “know.” That there would be a longing.
And that it’s just as okay that there isn’t.
I knew. My husband didn’t. And somehow it worked itself out, even though I’m a little floppy and a lot tired and most days we cannot wait until bedtime. It’s perfect.
I have two boys. I was sure I was going to have a girl. I KNOW I don’t want a girl badly enough to have 3. Your post confirmed it. Thanks for your honesty.
Well, here’s my piece of honesty. I didn’t want a third. When I discovered that I was pregnant, I went into denial. I was happy with my symmetrical, little family, a girl and a boy No excited preparations proceeded, no cozy talks with my friends and relatives. Just a lot of nausea, a quickly expanding body and huge, sagging, not-sexy breasts.
And then she was born – popped right out of me, practically unassisted by the very surprised intern. She lay on my stomach staring up with, I swear, eyes that could see right inside – that seemed to be saying, “I know all about you and it’s OK. You’re my mom and I love you. You’ll love me, too.” And, of course, I did.
Was it perfect? Naahhh. It was messy, chaotic, frustrating, maddening, tiring……and downright glorious. What better job than motherhood? And I say, after watching my three little birdies grow fine feathers and fly away on their own, it is worth every bad moment to be able to watch that happen – to know that there are three fine adults out there in the world, and that they have honored your motherhood by each having three children of their own.
Well, here’s my piece of honesty. I didn’t want a third. When I discovered that I was pregnant, I went into denial. I was happy with my symmetrical, little family, a girl and a boy No excited preparations proceeded, no cozy talks with my friends and relatives. Just a lot of nausea, a quickly expanding body and huge, sagging, not-sexy breasts.
And then she was born – popped right out of me, practically unassisted by the very surprised intern. She lay on my stomach staring up with, I swear, eyes that could see right inside – that seemed to be saying, “I know all about you and it’s OK. You’re my mom and I love you. You’ll love me, too.” And, of course, I did.
Was it perfect? Naahhh. It was messy, chaotic, frustrating, maddening, tiring……and downright glorious. What better job than motherhood? And I say, after watching my three little birdies grow fine feathers and fly away on their own, it is worth every bad moment to be able to watch that happen – to know that there are three fine adults out there in the world, and that they have honored your motherhood by each having three children of their own.
And that’d be me, number three, poppin’ right out saying hello to the world. I know you wouldn’t have it any other way, Mom, now that you see how absolutely extraordinary I am (heh heh heh) but I’m glad that I was a surprise, and I’m okay with the fact that you weren’t too cool with it for a while. Having now three myself, of course I understand. And I wouldn’t choose to have it any other way either. Even with all the madness.
I’m a little sad that I don’t have a daughter. Okay, a lot sad. That’s a topic for another post. I would love to share my world with a daughter the way we do. But I often think of what Jen has said about having three boys: that I can be proud to raise three strong, respectful, happy men who have purpose and understanding and compassion. Okay, I added a few words there. But I know what she meant; to raise a boy to be a good man, a solid, good man, that will grow and marry and have a family of his own someday, is a special feat, and my challenge (x3)!
I liked this post, because my wife and I have been talking for awhile about having a third. I’m sure we’re insane, because my daughter was as big a challenge to drag to toddlerhood as my son before her was a breeze. So who knows what we’d get the third time?
Mostly we think it would be fun to actually get to plan a pregnancy for once, like all those Fancy People who do that. We have all the baby toys and clothes and junk you need still laying around, so why not?
Again, I may be mildly addle-brained.
LiteralDan–Every kid is SO different! And we didn’t so much plan the kids as stop actively preventing them. Good luck to you!
i am the mom of four boys. my youngest is eight months. i get the comments of “how do you do it” and i am dazed by it…i am in it, it is my life, and i have no choice but to “do it”. life with four is often utter chaos, never in my life did i think having just two was a super easy kind of day. i mourn no daughters, but am blessed with nieces up the whazoo. i get to be the aunt who wants to take them to do the fun girly things. and in the meantime i can do my absolute best to raise four strong, independent, compassionate gentlemen. and let me tell you, i still get comments about having more to “get a girl”. i simply say God thinks i am very special to give me four sons. i am not special enough for five.
Love-ity, love, love this post! I have two and want three. People keep telling me that I have the perfect family with a boy and a girl, but I am LONGING for a third. Still in debates with the hubs who was finished as soon as we saw the penis on the sonogram.
I also love your blog design. Your header is FAB!
I’m following you from the MBC Under 100 Club. I’m looking forward to reading more.
You said you have to work to get the body back…do you have TIME for that? Because I sure as heck don’t. And some days I wonder; for as much time as I spend chasing my 3 year old and 2 year old around, and up and down the stairs, it’s a wonder I haven’t lost more weight. But I don’t have time to worry about it, I’m just too tired. So glad I found your blog!
I have three children. As I read your post it seemed like your words were flowing out of my own mouth. I feel and felt the exact same way. I knew the moment my second child popped out that I wanted another baby. The fact that I had two girls first may have helped with my decision hoping that we would have a boy (which we did), but it didn’t matter to me, I wanted three.
Three are exhausting, but so are two and probably four or five. Three adds more laundry, longer in car seats and diapers but it also adds more fun.
I also agree with the body thing..my tummy didnt go away this time :(
I get asked all the time, “Is three so much worse?” Well yes its busier, but its not like I regret it. The hardest part is the stage I am in now. My son is a toddler, he runs away and freaks when I pick him up and my 4 year old doddles and my 7 year old tries to help. Thats the stage I’m in and its hard. But give my son a year and it will get better..
It will always get better!
I’m new to your site and poking around the archives. Hi! :-)
This really resonated with me. I have almost 3-year-old twins and have just convinced my husband to go for the third. He was strongly in the “no thank you” camp for a while, for many of the chaotic reasons you mention (plus a few twin-specific ones). I understand all that, but the longing remains. The sense that I know I’d always regret/wonder/wish if I didn’t do it.
The twin factor adds an extra dimension for me. On the one hand, I have this instant “perfect”, symmetrical family (boy and a girl, poof!). And they’re wonderful and delightful and challenging and awesome. But even though I’ve always been a mom of two, I haven’t had the opportunity to be a second-time mom.
Anyways… we’ll see where this all takes us. But I’m glad I found your site!
Oh boy, do I relate to this post. The only time we were not seen as a bit off the wall for having four children was the three years we lived in Utah. God bless the Mormons and their Suburbans full of kids. It made us look like slackers.
I once wrote about our decision to have four. It was a huge step for us. Three had become comfortable (the two big kids were in school) and our third had medical issues that were hereditary. It was a huge gamble. But I live by the mantra ‘no regrets’ so we dove in. If you have a second, here’s the link to that page of my blog.
http://justonefoot.blogspot.com/2009/05/how-many-is-too-many.html
Love your blog, BTW. It inspires me to write. That’s my best indicator of a great, worth-bookmarking blog! :)
Judy
justonefoot.blogspot.com