When a bad mood slips away

Last Saturday was a really shitty day. I can’t even tell you why.

I’m sure that it had something to do with a stupid comment from Dan. And I’m sure that three hours into my total turned-down mouth grumpiness, I forgot what it was he said in the first place, but the mood persisted. I was mad at the world and at the day – for not being perfect, again.

Early in the afternoon our babysitter texted to ask what time to get to our house so Dan and I could go out. I wanted to reply “Don’t Bother,” because I was in such a shitty mood, but I knew better. So I sat on it, hoping I’d feel better, knowing that I shouldn’t give up the opportunity to welcome the sitter into our house and give us a break.

In the meantime, I left the house alone and went to the grocery store. I have a love/HATE relationship with grocery shopping. But we desperately needed the food. It had been a good 4 weeks since my last real shop.

I rushed out the door in a huff – Dan had said another stupid something, I’m sure – but I had at least made a list. Ripped a bunch of recipes out of Real Simple, and jotted down the ingredients. We planned on having friends over for a Cookout on Sunday, so there were lots of extras to get. I started checking off my list and by the time I got out of produce and deli, I was already running up quite a bill and starting to feel better as the food piled on top. My mood and my cart coincided, filling up. All about Aisle 12 someone stopped me and remarked on my brimming shopping cart. She offered me a 5% off coupon on my entire purchase. I smiled big – BIG – and told her that was the very coupon I wasn’t able to find when I left the house. And then I turned the corner and passed through the pasta aisle, where an older gentleman joked with me and told me I better “take out some insurance on that cart.” I grew lighter and happier still. When I turned down the next aisle I met with the coupon angel again and she said, “Give me that coupon back, I’m gonna switch that for my 10% off. I’d rather see someone save a lot of money instead of the few bucks that it’s gonna give me.” I was amazed. When does this happen? It doesn’t.

But apparently, it does. And of course I couldn’t thank her enough. But I tried. I was tickled by the kindness of a stranger, and already nourished by simply buying food for my family – a thing that is a necessity, and should be just another thing that we do. But for me, it never is. It is always difficult. With three kids, it’ll never be easy. But I was never good at it when there was just one kid.

So while the early part of Saturday was really shitty, and I still can’t tell you why, I can tell you that it didn’t last through the night. I reigned in my bad mood at the store, and when the babysitter arrived I could happily chat with her, and feel the relief of another pair of eyes to watch, arms to hug, hands to help in my home.

I have to write a bit about our babysitter, whom I’m not sure I really like calling a babysitter, because it seems so trivial. Sure, my kids are my babies, and she sits with them, but she does so much more than *watch* them. She laughs and laughs and laughs and I hope it’s okay that I use her name here, because Kelsey, you are so damn terrific and have become a part of this family and I am so thrilled that you are back from college and with us for another summer. (deep breath) I wish I could pay her more and more and more, because she gives my kids something that I can’t give them on a lot of days, on most days: her attention, her smile, and her bright, shining light.

When Kelsey arrived the funny banter between me and Dan started, as it often does with others around. We playfully mock one another, saying things out loud that make other people open their eyes wide with a little bit of shock and a little bit of embarrassment. Everyone laughs. We somehow show our love for one another through this catty banter, stomping on and then lifting up our relationship with each little detail we reveal, like it’s a game. Which it is. Marriage. A part of it has to be playful or we won’t get through it. I have to remember to keep a sense of humor; it’s so easy to take offense. But when Kelsey is around, everything feels light and funny and Dan and I do this playful thing. Maybe it’s because Kelsey is young and we want to feel young around her, so we do this. But I think it’s probably just who she is – light and bright and full of sun.

It’s the kindness of others that brings me around to the now.

I saved $38 dollars at the grocery store.
Kelsey came and dropped glitter on everything around her.

I’m positive my family was grateful for the kindness of others as well.
I got happy again.
Everybody smiled, because it never fails that mom’s mood sets the tone.
Dan and I went out for Margaritas.
And then for a too-pricey, totally yummy Italian Dinner.
And talked and talked as we do when we sit and eat at the bar and drink and remember that we can do this, we can be free again, of spills and wrestling boys.