Bad Mothers, Good Mothers, Really?

Today’s post started as a comment to the article Just Sayin’ – Is “bad” parenting in? I heard it in the car on the way to work and immediately called Jen, who should have been in the car, on the way to work, and she was, but she didn’t answer the phone because she was in the dead zone (topic for an entirely different post). I hate it when she’s in the dead zone and so I left a message. And here we are now, hours later and thinking about this article and all that it means, how it can be interpreted, and what is MISSING from the common thread out there that helicopter parenting is over, “bad” is good, calling ourselves out is now normal, and the internet has become a safe haven for mothers who choose to recognize all of the above. Don’t get me wrong, I have a big heart for other moms who blog about the REAL DEAL of motherhood, but the universal conversation has somehow twisted things to make us believe that we should categorize ourselves. I can’t do that. I’m different every day. And, in fact, I’m a different mom to different kids all on the same day. Each person and each moment needs a different kind of me. I’m not trying to be dramatic, it’s just part of this job.

Here is Jen’s comment to the CNN Article by Carol Costello:

There is so much defensive adult behavior—parents who are insisting that they “schedule” their kids because the kids need it or demand it; or parents who insist that they can’t possibly get their kids to lessons because of financial limits or transportation limits or other schedule conflicts. Or because they don’t believe in too much scheduled time.

Really, can such general terms—bad mother, backlash, over-parenting—be used for all parents. Parents of infants, toddlers, school-age children, teenagers, or, gasp, parents who have all of the above? I have three young children. All are very different. Each has his/her own interests and needs. Isn’t it our job as parents to recognize these differences and do our best to serve our children within our own abilities and the lives and homes we have created for them? Some children thrive in lessons and sports. Some are there because the alternative is being home alone. Some children need only a backyard and a magnifying glass and are lucky to have the parents and the home life to allow this. Children have different needs. Isn’t that the biggest challenge to a parent? Isn’t that what we should all be supportive of?

On another note, I was disappointed to see that one of the blogs you mentioned, “Real Bad Mommies,” has not been updated since December 2006. I wouldn’t say a three-year-old blog that isn’t up to date can be added to a list of those that have “started popping up.”

As a blogger myself, I am grateful for the community of other parents who blog. I also find it striking that in a very short period of time I have found more support and like-minded parents online than I have found on the playground, say, or even at my child’s school, where I have made plenty of friends who are parents. But there is something unsaid online, and I think it is the fact that there is no immediate judgment of each other. We take each other at our word. We support each other. And yes, it is a bit sad that this happens from afar.

That I feel more understood by women who I have never met in person.

Maybe that is what we should be talking about, instead of whether we are bad mothers (parents) or good ones. Maybe we should be more concerned with the fact that we don’t support each other enough in the towns and cities in which we live.

I think we’ll be writing more about this Bad Mother, Good Mother thing. What does it all mean? Where do we fit in?

I don’t want to be judged. I want to find kinship with other women. The blog has done that for me in many, many ways. I read other blogs and feel like the women are in my head and I am home. I get comments on my posts that help me see I am not alone in my struggles, nor in celebrating my joys. We reach out to one another and push the walls back with technology, and find the support that is sometimes lacking in our days and weeks. I wish I could find that on the playground, but it’s just not the same. And I have to worry about my hair, and what it sounds like when I discipline my kids. And so I have to wonder if being  a “bad” mother is not as accepted in public as it is online. Because I know that I, for one, seem to get a lot of sneers and questioning glances when I’m at the grocery store, the post office and the Little League field. Then again, maybe it’s just because I’ve got three kids now, three boys at that, and we’re a loud mess wherever we go.