Really. How do I? Any suggestions out there?
Here’s how it went tonight:
B struggles into shower. Emphasis on struggles. Loud struggles.
S into jammies.
Em into jammies.
Me into jammies.
Estimated elapsed time: 20 minutes. Not bad!
B washed and removed from shower.
B in jammies.
Books selected by children.
Bedtime water retrieved by me.
Stuffed friends found by me.
Estimated elapsed time: 20 more minutes. Are we really on track here?
Reading of four stories (two each)
B to bathroom
S to turn on lullabyes
Story told by me with Em trying to nurse lying beside me on S’s bed
Estimated elapsed time: 25 minutes
Then: I left the room with the other two awake. This is not the usual protocol of me staying in S’s bed until both are asleep. But Em was struggling, and B and I had been fighting for more than an hour. And I was tired and feeling the common-of-late sentiment of, “Why does the baby always have to be at the mercy of the big kids’ schedules?!” So I left with Em and told B and S I’d be “back in a few minutes.”
Neither freaked out. (Reasoning here is slightly embarrassing: S probably didn’t freak out because she was afraid I’d start yelling if she did, because I’d been yelling at B on and off since the beginning of the whole bedtime fiasco. B probably didn’t freak out because he was thoroughly afraid that I might just make him sleep alone in a tent outside.) I am not proud of fear tactics, direct and otherwise. I also am surprised they actually seemed to work tonight.
So I left with Em and brought her into our room. Nursed her a bit. Then burped her. Then put her in her crib (aka pack ‘n’ play). She was quiet. I was shocked. I rubbed her back. I left the room. She was quiet. I went into the kids’ room, thinking I better follow through on my “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” They were both asleep.
Estimated elapsed time: 15 minutes.
I came downstairs. Em’s crying began. I sat at my computer. I caught up with some blogs. I checked my e-mail. I checked Facebook. I listened to the crying. My heartbeat didn’t become unruly. My blood pressure felt steady. I even giggled when her crying became little yelps. I looked at the clock every now and then. The crying stopped.
Elapsed time: 27 minutes.
This is the longest I have let Em cry, and the first time I have let her cry at night. It was difficult. But I don’t have another five years of dreading bedtimes in me. I can’t do the fight and struggle every night. Tonight was unusual because I was here alone. But with the nice weather, J will be working longer days and missing more bedtimes, and it’s time for the routine to adjust to another child. We will keep the ritual the same. Bathtime (occasionally), reading, story telling. But it’s time the big kids, as we have come to call them, begin to rely on each other a bit at bedtime. We’ve told them they can talk quietly to each other. That they can “stay up late” if mom and dad aren’t with them. (Neither can tell time yet.) But even when they prick up their ears at a suggestion at dinner, no enticement seems to work when the real bedtime comes. They have been indoctrinated, and it’s our task as parents to set them free. And in the process set ourselves free.
Tonight was hard, but I’m hoping it was worth it. I’m also hoping it will be less hard next time. I’m ALSO open to other suggestions, even though I thought I’d stopped taking advice about sleep matters years ago.
Read More in Jen Writes, siblings, sleep, Uncategorized
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i really needed to read this. and i love how you noted the time, the 20 minute increments of time.
and i love that i have only one child.
you’re incredible.
this is a issue of contention in our house too. those little bedtime things that are SUPPOSED to happen. eat up the night. and it’s frustrating and i just want kids that i place in their bed and they go to sleep. is that too much to ask?
argh.
i’ve come to the conclusion that every kid is different and i just need to figure out what works best for each one. i have no idea what’s gonna happen when (and if) #3 comes along. i’m starting to think the idea of putting the girls in the same room might be a good idea. then i don’t have to keep them company?
i’ll let you know if i ever figure this out. maybe 15 years or so?
more power to you for making it through the crying out thing. that broke my heart too much and it didn’t work for my first. she cried until she got sick and then i had to clean up the bed too. then again … she’s a high maintenance child.
good luck tonight.
We let both boys cry it out at some point. Ben was easy; I don’t think he ever went passed 7 minutes at his longest. Aidan Kai? HA! He cried for over an hour for like 3 nights in a row. I totally doubted we were doing the right thing (for us). By the 4th night, it went down to like a full hour (woo hoo?), and by the 5th we suddenly jumped down to 20 minutes. Night 6? Maybe a minute. It’s been great ever since (most nights). He now puts himself to sleep 9 out of 10 times, and even if he wakes up in the middle of the night, manages to get back down on his own. And the bonus? We know that if he does get riled up, it’s for a good reason: dirty diaper, lost sleepy rag, teething, not feeling well….Hang in there. Just don’t cave or you’ll lose any gains!
With only one child, I have no advice. But a lot of sympathy….hope that counts for something?! But make sure when it’s all said and done, you take some valuable “me time.” phew….
Hi Jen!
Ah the sleeptime. We had three under four at one time too and needed our sanity. I have no advice at this point, all of our children fall asleep on their own now and mostly stay in their beds, unless there is a nighttime potty break or a nightmare. But I remember the struggles to get to this point and the arguments back and forth…to let them cry it out or to comfort them. For us, the best came somewhere in the middle. Sometimes there is a certain amount of wind down time that may require crying, but frantic, no thanks, I needed to comfort them. I also kept reminding myself that it would be unlikely that my children would still require those intense bedtimes when they were teenagers and I would miss these days, which sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t help at all.
As parents, I think we condition our children to certain circumstances without even realizing it and undoing those habits becomes hard. Good luck finding your way. You will, we all do.
And gawd, as much as I love my children, I LOVE that quiet time after they all fall asleep. Time to clear my head, think things through, relax and prepare for that chaos that is tomorrow.