Every day is a new day, and yet the same in some way. Some often truly annoying way. Max wakes up at 6:00 or 6:30 or, these days, 5:30. He comes to our room, his arms full with his fuzzy blue blanket and his doggie. He crawls in our bed. He says “Wake UP!” a whole bunch of times. One of us struggles to put Noggin on – something, anything to keep the beast tame just a little bit longer. We went to bed too late. Sometimes by choice, sometimes not. Me: by choice. Dan: fifty/fifty.
The little shit can’t just lay there watching the tv, slowly waking up. No, no. He positions his body horizontally between us. One of us is fortunate enough to have his little feet pushing against us. Fortunate, I say, because the other one of us is subject to head-butting, and hand clawing. He talks to Diego, answering those annoying little questions. He throws his doggie across the bed and then, wanting him back, yells “Doggie” and scrambles over our heavy bodies to get the furry lovey.
At some point one of us declares that enough is enough and it’s better to get up with him then continue this way. We alternate mornings, for the most part. It’s a schedule that we fell into years ago and now continue, unless of course one of us is sick, hungover, or stayed up so late we don’t even feel Max’s little toes and Max’s little fingers pushing on us all over. “Wake UP!”
This morning: I’ve made it downstairs. The kitchen was actually cleaned, in full, last night so getting my cup of coffee was pleasant. The toys, however, I did not clean up. They’re strewn all over the floor and will stay there until I get home this afternoon. I keep glancing at the clock. 7:02, 7:14, shit! it’s getting closer and closer to 8:00.
Jamis should be eating breakfast, but he’s watching tv in the basement. I am not going to call him upstairs because Max has mosied down there which means I have turned on the Today Show up here, only a monthly occurrence these days. As the minutes tick by I know Ethan will wake up soon and everything will get that much more difficult. Milk, food, dirty dirty diaper. He’ll steal Max’s juice, Max will hit him on the head. Jamis will hit Max. I’ll shake my head and walk away. The day has begun.
And even though it’s the same string of events every morning, I can’t help but sit here, in this one small moment, and think IT IS A NEW DAY. Because it is. And I am optimistic. And I never knew what an optimist I was until I had children. Until, in fact, I had three children. When there is chaos in your house all the time, it takes a certain optimism, a certain calmness inside, to make it through a day, or a particulary rough tantrum for that matter, without unravelling. I’ve found that optimism, that calmness inside, and am so glad, because once I unravel, the rest of the day is shot. And breaking down at 6:15 am when your toddler is kicking you in the head and you want to put him in a straight jacket already? Yes, that’s not the best way to start the day.
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It is chaos. And it is familiar. And it is routine. I don’t know how, but somehow it all adds up to being comfortable and secure. And it is unnecessary to wonder how I can love it so much.
So I beg of you: is there a way to find this optimism? This method of NOT unraveling? Because I unravel. A lot. Often. I don’t know how not to….It is absolutely my biggest parenting problem. I read about your calmness inside…oh, what I would do for that!
Wow, it’s so weird for me to read these words from you because while YES, I wrote about my optimism, it’s still sometimes hard to see. Mornings are the best time for it – afternoons and evenings, not so much. The kids are wild and there’s the dinner rush and the bath ordeal and the clothes everywhere and…. I just want to lose my mind and give up a lot of the time. I’m starting to let go more and more everyday. I think it’s helping, even though on more nights than not the dishes aren’t done and I’m searching for clean jammies. But I just keep reminding myself that the kids don’t care. They care more that I remember to put on some music and have family dance hour in the living room, eat dinner WITH them at the SAME TABLE and laugh with them at the stupid, silly stuff.