Exercise isn’t just for athletes

Today I went swimming at lunch.
Which means I am no longer pumping at work.
Which means that this is likely my first post in which I actively mention GUILT. Sarah, you no longer are alone.
I have wanted to start swimming again for a while. I love it. It’s something I can do at lunch at work. It doesn’t cause severe pain to my body. And I can self-motivate myself to swim better than any other sport or workout.
Over the past six years, my exercise regimen has been spotty. The demands of pregnancy, childbirth and mothering young children have left little time or energy to get the work done. I have had the inclination often enough, but I haven’t made it a priority, or circumstances weren’t in my favor. As was the case until recently. Recently, as in last week, I decided that I needed to swim more than E needed me to pump. This is not easy for me to admit. And as I type it the guilt overwhelms me.

I don’t want E to grow up faster than her siblings. And I want to give her all of the attention and opportunities that I have given my older two children. And the question of how long to breastfeed is a biggee for me. I strongly believe in breastfeeding, and I enjoy it. I was looking forward to nursing another baby when I was pregnant with E, and I am sad that she will be my last to gaze up at me as she happily enjoys a slurp. She nurses well, but as she’s begun to crawl and creep and navigate the world more on her own, she has become somewhat of a circus performer when attached to my breast, as if she’s afraid she might miss out on something better than milk. This makes the nursing experience a little less tender and warm and a lot more painful and inconvenient (especially in public).

While I was thinking about this the other day I realized that I feel like I am missing out a bit. On something for me. It’s time for me to embark on a search and locate mission for my abs, quads and glutes, those muscle groups I used to have and take for granted. (Oh, how I miss them all.) Spending a week on vacation and seeing everyone else run and bike and generally be active made me miss being fit and the act of exercising itself. When I got on my bike, it felt so good. I also just recently signed on to row in a regatta in October. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a boat, and the race gives me something to work toward. A goal to attain that is all mine.

So I went swimming today. Almost 1.5 miles. And it felt great. I’m tired, and my skin smells like chlorine, and I have a kink in my neck because I am more comfortable coming up for air on the right side. But I feel good. Clear headed. Calmer, even. Mildly sore in a way that reminds me this body is not just for making babies.

I will still nurse E. And there is enough frozen breastmilk to get her through the days I am at work at least until she turns 1. But it is difficult to put myself first. It’s been a very long time. I just have to remind myself that E is thriving. And accept the reality that I can be too.