HOW SAD! What world are we living in that there are laws about buying food for someone. Much less that the burden of the law falls on someone like Jane? Sad.

Sorry, Jen. I won’t make a habit of that. I promise. Just got niggled is all…

Hmm. I’m clearly still thinking. Haven’t worked this thought through yet so I’ll stop there. But…

…I would say that lately all I am focusing on is “appealing to my better self.” You hit a nail there, my friend.

I’ll be back on this. Some coherent thoughts to be had. For sure.

I had a thought about this: “So I understand sending off the vibes, the boundary vibes. Thing is, I’ve always hated that about myself. Mostly because it’s not what I intend.”

I am, among other things, a self defense instructor. Sometimes I think the work of my life is teaching women how to set boundaries. It’s incredible how many of us grow up without this skill.

But another really important skill for self protection is the ability to make choices. That is to say, the ability to respond to things in the actual moment rather than out of habit.

So, I thought: Can you honor your ability to easily send the “back off” vibe? It’s a great thing for a girl to have in her tool kit. You’re damned lucky to have it and I bet it’s gotten you out of a few scrapes.

And, can you cherish your willingness to not always respond with that vibe? You are really appealing to your better self.

That’s what your post has me thinking about.

While visiting Savannah, GA last spring on vacation I was in a specialty food shop that had a deli. A man was begging money off people to buy a meal – but I didn’t know that. I thought I was special, him asking ME for a couple dollars for his lunch – and I said, sure, I’ll buy your lunch. The man behind the deli counter said I couldn’t do that. I said, no, I’m just buying my friend’s lunch. Exasperated, the deli man filled the take-out carton, told the guy to never come back and told me I had just broken the law. I was stunned.

So maybe that’s why I would have felt weird. I’d be worried I was breaking some sort of Good Samaritan law!

With these things in our hands and in our spirit I really do – REALLY DO – believe that anything is possible.

Point is, I guess, that it’s moments like these that tell me who I am underneath. I was so distracted. We’re talking THREE kids, three BOYS, at the grocery store. Um, distracting? YES, INDEED! (tired of the caps yet?)

I’m thinking about your use of “arbitrary priorities.” Sometimes it’s just sooo hard, isn’t it? To get outside of ourselves. To realize that what we are doing is just as small as it is important? To think about where we are. To remember that we are surrounded by so many many other people. So other, in fact, that they are scanning my hands as I take out some cash and working up the nerve to kindly ask me for it.

Thanks for coming back.

I think you did the right thing. If you’re a chump, you’re never going to know about it, so it doesn’t matter. The generosity of spirit you showed your children is the true thing that stands out.

First of all, I have to say “thanks” for stopping by my blog a few months ago and leaving a comment. It got me to check out this blog which is wonderful, even if I forgot to tell you.

I would have made a very different choice in this situation. I feel so vulnerable in my distraction when I’m with my kid at the check out that I would have iced the guy from the beginning. I’ve made so many mistakes at check out since I had a kid–failed to get things into my bags, gotten the wrong change, etc. etc. I’m just not bright enough to keep all the plates in the air at that particular juncture.

(And of course the kid has an infinite number of new ways to distract and harass me–a new one every week! Which are inevitably charming to the cashier and bagger, who encourage her to sing a song, help with the bagging, recite a poem, run the cash register, run the debit card….)

So, kind eyes or not, the guy would not have gotten past “Are these your rice cakes?” with me. I would have been putting out my evil New Yorker “leave me alone” vibe.

I hope my kid sees this as stellar boundary setting skills, which are an important safety competency in my parenting book. But it might just look mean and bitchy. I hope I cultivate other opportunities to demonstrate openness, compassion and generosity but I do worry that the pace of our life and my tendency to stay hyperfocussed on my own arbitrary priorities might undermine that.

Nice post, lots to think about.

I had originally written in that he could’ve used the money to buy gas or he could’ve used it to buy drugs (or booze, as you mention) but I took it out. I’m not sure why. But that’s where my head was at. Maybe he needed a fix. Maybe not. Maybe I was just injecting my own personal experience into it. Maybe the poor dude just needed some gas. To get to work. To make his own cash.

I don’t know. It was just such a strange circumstance. Grocery shopping with three kids is difficult enough, you know?

And as far as being the change you wish to see in the world and showing that to your kids? Um, yeah. How hard is it to be consistent with THAT one? Ay!