It was probably easier this way, and much more funny

Let’s pick up where we left off, shall we?

I went back to work much too early after Ethan was born. I don’t know if it was guilt over my absence, or an honest need to get out of the house, but I found myself once again cooped up in an office with a baby carrier tucked away at my feet. In the eighteen months that I held this position of employment I had delivered two babies. On most days I’m pretty sure it was more than my boss could handle and I’m sure he never quite realized it was more than I could handle too. Being at work with an infant. A toddler at home. A kindergartner just starting out in life. When the OB asked me at my six week post natal visit what, if anything, I was going to do about birth control, I jumped at her reference to the IUD. Yup, sign me up. Tell me the specs. No, I’m not sure which one. Do I have to tell you in advance? Let’s just make the appointment.

I hadn’t had a moment of clear brain space to decide which of the two IUDs I was going to get, but I made sure not to forget that appointment. I’m late for everything I tell you, but I wasn’t late on that day. I raced out of the office, Baby Ethan in tow, and met Kelsey at the Starbucks in town. After settling her into a cozy corner with three boys and their cookies, assuring her that Ethan had just nursed and should be fine for at least an hour, I drove down the street and went into the doctor’s office.

Maureen was able to take me right away. I was weighed – oh joy of joys – and blood-pressured and asked to undress. I laid back on the bed and finally started mulling over the pros and cons of my IUD choices. Not for long, my dears, as my phone rang. Kelsey was panicked, but playing it cool. Very cool. Because she is oh so very cool. Ethan was crying. Maxie was screaming. Jamis, I’m sure, was incessantly chattering with no indication of ceasing. They were making a scene at Starbucks and she didn’t know what to do. Poor girl. “Come over here,” I said, “I’m two blocks away. Just bring me the baby.”

Maureen came in to ask which IUD I’d be getting and in one breath I’m sure I said something like, “Just give me the Mirena I don’t want to bleed anymore than I ever already do and by the way my sitter is bringing the baby in because he won’t stop crying so if the receptionist sees a frazzled girl with blonde hair carrying a screaming infant with two other boys following right behind will you please just let her in?”

Moments later there was a familiar cry coming closer and closer. A lovely nurse brought a screaming child to me and I opened my papery gown that covered neither of my full yet flappy breasts in their entirety. Wee baby Ethan hadn’t seemed so content to nurse in days. He latched right on and turned his eyes toward me and gave me a naughty smile. Maureen stood in the corner and waited a moment. “All good?” she asked. I laid back on the bed and the baby’s head followed me down. “Let’s do this,” I said. I mean really, why would I wait? It wasn’t going to get any easier anytime soon. That moment was the easiest it would ever be. If only my kids could be so easily contented by something now. Well, I suppose Super Hero Popsicles do have their place in this house, but they certainly aren’t something I’ll be whipping out in a doctor’s office or in line at the post office. (Why IS that line so long?)

My knees fell to the side and I scooooooched down to the edge of the bed and a wee little piece of plastic was popped up inside of me while the baby sucked and sucked away. Ethan decided he was full or bored or whatever at quite the exact moment that Maureen finished up. Go figure. I rose up from the bed and smiled, probably saying something stupid or sarcastic and shrugging my shoulders. Thing is, there was no amount of funny I could say about the whole incident. If there were any doubts in my mind about whether to get the darn thing, they were washed away as I lay there clutching Ethan so he wouldn’t tumble off me in case I jolted from the procedure or got weak from the amount of laughter I was stifling. Oh the irony.

Having two kids literally back to back like that was something spectacular, I tell you. I didn’t quite understand what Jen was going through all the years before, having B and S eighteen months apart. But then I had Max and Ethan. Fifteen months between them and I swear to you, if it doesn’t start getting easier like everyone tells me it will, I am going to send one of them back. Or maybe I’ll just have another kid so I can find something else to bitch about.

Tagged as: IUD, nablopomo