What defines you? How do you describe yourself to other moms? To other women who aren’t moms? Are you a mother? Blogger? Partner? Are you a daughter? Artist? Financial planner? Are you a toilet scrubber, grocery shopper, diaper changer, chauffeur? What are you? What am I?
What AM I?
I am a mother first. Well, I am a woman first. I was a partner first. And then the kids came and took over. I am a meal planner, a cook, a nurturer. I am a toy-picker-upper. I am an editor. And a bedtime-story reader. I am a hugger and a kisser. I am a blogger. I am a writer. A dreamer of being a better writer. I am a friend. A daughter. A sister. Is that all? Is it enough?
It isn’t enough. I cannot fully describe the me that I know I am–the me that is INSIDE–but that is so impossible to pinpoint. I am more than 101 things about me. But those all are things that are a part of me. That make me who I am today. Except, every day there is more to add. Every day—even the ones that seem cookie-cutters of ones that came before—is a day that offers something new. A new obstacle. A new acquaintance. A new discovery.
I am ever changing. A mother has to be. I cannot know what comes next. I just have to be ready for it. Ready for the illnesses and the anxieties of my children. Ready for the accomplishment. The first words. The smiles and laughs and tears. The funny faces and the alarming comments. I have to be ready for phone calls I didn’t expect and bills I forgot about. I have to be ready for the weather to change and my car to need gas and the coffee to burn. I have to be ready to wear the same pants again.
I have to be ready for anything so that I am at my best. For myself and for my kids. I have to be ready to jump at the opportunity for a shower. Or lunch with Sarah (today!). I have to be ready for a surprise visit from a neighbor. For good fortune. For opportunity.
Who I am is always changing, because the life that I live is never ever the same. Every day offers different challenges and different rewards. That, for me, is so much of what motherhood is about. The biggest and most constant challenge is being able, being present, being open enough to recognize and to fully live the differences every day.
I miss a lot of them. Or I brush them aside. I am too busy. Or too tired. Or too focused on what needs to happen next to see what is happening right now. To see who needs me right now. My full attention. NOW. With four other people in the house who would like my full attention (and, let’s face it, with me wanting my own full attention, too) it’s difficult. What about me?
I spend a lot of time thinking about the big, fuzzy, messy question of how I want to define myself. How I want to present myself to other women, moms. I’m so far from being satisfied. I want a nice, succinct definition neatly tied up with a bow. I want certainty and predictability and stability. I want satisfaction and fun. I want to feel complete and successful and challenged. Is this all too much? Too much to want and be a mother, too?
Because I am a mother. A mother to three young children who depend on me. Me. Every single moment of their precious lives. And everything else that I am is incorporated into the existence of this mother that I am, the mother that I became five-and-a-half years ago. But it’s still not clear. I just don’t feel as if everything is as it seems.
Do you know what I mean?
Who are you?
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“Ah, I have asked for too much, I plainly see.” -Ovid
This runs through my head a lot. I share all of your frustrations and challenges, I really do. I fear I’ve totally lost sight of myself, actually, because when I think about writing 101 things about me I am fairly sure I could not do it.
It’s really hard for me that somebody wants a piece of me, ALL THE TIME. I lose track of what I want and need, but when I put that first I feel selfish and horrible. And then back to the cycle.
I don’t have an answer, but I’m with you in the muddle and the mess.
xox
Lindsey
Isn’t it so hard to go through days feeling you’ve “totally lost sight” of yourself. OMG. This is such a dilemma! How can I go on? But, how can I not? Your messy topics inspired this one. It seemed so incomplete, spewed out on the page. But it seems my messes are resonating with others. Comforting. Truly.
My 30-something friends and I discuss this topic all the time. Often we wonder, why the hell this type of stuff isn’t addressed AT ALL during four years of college? I took Women’s Studies. I had 30/40/50/60-something female professors who had to know about being spread thin. There was nary a mention of what happens to a woman after marriage and children. It would have been nice to give some thought to how to put all the pieces of life together. It certainly would have been more useful than an in depth study of Willa Cather.
Oh I wish I had said this. :) It’s so absolutely true. All of those classroom discussions, even the ones that seemed REAL, that we all continued to talk about in the dining halls and our dorm rooms, they were so isolated. Why isn’t the useful stuff taught? But then, how can it really be, until you are in it. I just don’t know. But maybe women’s studies needs to be more inclusive. More real. More MORE. Even though I absolutely adore Willa and wanted to name a daughter after her.
I never know what to say in the space that says, “about you”. I find it interesting that the career I worked so hard to have, spent so many years in school to attain is never even on the list since now I’m “mom”. All the other things that make me “mom” are now at the forefront of the list (chauffeur, event planner, short order cook, stand up comic, etc.) and the things that make me “me” aren’t there. Sad. We definitely need to spend more time remembering who WE are and keeping true to ourselves, the mom stuff will happen anyway!
You’re absolutely right. The mom stuff will happen. It is automatic. We just have to all fight hard to hang on to the stuff that came before mom. I’ve been thinking about all of this a lot lately. Thank so much for your sisterhood on this one. Truly.
Who are we? We should never stop asking this question. Even if the answer will elude us. And always. It’s all about the questions. The grays. The uncertainties. The vicissitudes and voids. Never stop asking.
There are so many questions. And they never stop. And then there are the questions my children are asking me. And THEY never stop. Sometimes I just want a little quiet and nothing to do with it. (Delusions, I know.)
right now, i am a woman walking slowly to balance the heavy load i carry. children, marriage, self, others, life in general; a constant parade of need all the time and it is hot, exhausting work to make the rounds every day.
i look back at the last 4 years and see that for all the times i struggled and broke and fell, i still got back up and continued to put one foot in front of the other. for all the times i just wanted to put down the load and run, i still shouldered it willingly and kept on moving.
it was worth it. it’s still worth it. i reap the rewards every day, intermingled with the yelling and crying and neediness. the further along i walk, the lighter the path becomes.
have i told you lately that i love you?
:)
This is such a beautiful way to look at it. As a new mom (my daughter is almost 6-months-old), I’m inspired by this.
I’m new to reading the blog, and have never commented before – but this one did it. Simply beautiful!
I love the way you describe your reality. The loads. The loads and loads and loads. Literal. Metaphorical. And that you continue to choose them. That is motherhood, right there. The daily choices that we make to continue on. It is worth it. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Really. I mean, I know I sound totally goopy, and like I have the fever that everyone else in my house has, but I truly truly mean it: Thank you.
“Is that all? Is it enough?”…..I grapple with this every day. Word.
It will never be enough.
But, honestly, I was like this anyway, even before Mommydom.
I DO know what you mean. Definitely.
THANK you. It matters to know that even though I don’t make sense to me, maybe I’m making sense to somebody else out there. Somebody great.
I know exactly what you mean.
Phew. Here’s hoping for some quiet time to figure a little of it out, before the me changes again.
Oh, and, THANKS.
This has to be the best post I’ve read in a long time.
“Is that all? Is it enough?”
There is no all, there is no way to encompass all that we are. I have friends who want babies and I don’t even know how to explain the complexity that is my life as a mom. I am just me, Laurie and that HAS to be enough, because anything more would take a series of books to explain.
Thanks, Laurie. I know what you mean about the series of books. It’s so true. And I have to remember to look beyond the surface of everyone else, because I am learning that I am not alone. Everyone is grappling in some way. Somehow it doesn’t seem so impossible to know that the community of incompletely-defined moms is a large one.
hee hee hee… not just a book, but a “series of books”
i love it!
man i’ve blogged about this before. yes, i am a mom but that does NOT define my whole life. it’s a big part but it’s not all i am. i’m so many things. wife. sister. friend. cousin. in law.
Yes. That’s it. It’s does not define your WHOLE life. Yes. So simple. And yet …
I am….exhausted. Some days, defeated. Others, inspired. And always, always…striving for more.
Don’t stop striving. :)
MAN ON THE FLOOR!….Ha
I think everyone struggles with this. I am always trying to figure this out. I never thought about it until it became bigger than me. The wife, the kids, my job and everything else…where do I REALLY fit in? We may all be happy with our lives but not always happy with ourselves or vice versa. Is it the uncertainly of it all? Is it the complexity of not being able to describe what we are?
No matter what..if you are there for your family and friends they will be there for you and whatever you are that day…they will accept and love it. Some times it isn’t worth the headache in trying to figure it out but we all know that doesn’t work!
You know, I think the people who I just cannot have a conversation with are the ones who AREN’T trying to figure this out. And somehow, Mike, you just made me realize this. So, keep figuring it out. And, thanks for the encouragement. Because you’re right, if you are there for your family, that’s the important stuff.
After 12+ years of Motherhood(can I count the 9 months of pregnancy that started this whole “thing?), I feel much more content with myself than ever before. And yet, at the same time, TOTALLY lost.
My kids are no longer little and constantly pulling my shirt. Or slobbering on it. Or swiping a marker across it. But now, after all this time, I have no idea how to change this shirt into a new one! So now what? No who am I? I’m still a mom, they are still here in this house. They still need me. But they don’t, at the same time.
I just feel lost.
And content.
So fucking weird.
You are ahead of me in the years of mothering, so I can’t pretend to know what it’s like NOT to have food smeared all over myself all day long. But I guess I’m not surprised that it doesn’t end, the WHO AM I question. Because it is always changing. And I expect that my kids will need me. I sure hope so. And I, too, am content. And, sometimes, a lot of times. lost. Weird. But glad to have you lost with me. :)
I really know what you mean. The mix of roles, of duties, of needs, of personalities, in a way… how to make them all fit in together? How not to feel guilty for choosing to indulge in one part of us, and let the other ones go for a day, or a few hours? Balance is utopia :-)
Hmm… utopia. Is that what I’m after? Sounds perfect! Yes. Balance. What an ugly word these days. Thanks for understanding. It does help to find other me-searching moms.
Methinks you are in the blur period. It does last awhile.
Let’s try this on for size: why define yourself at all? To anyone? Yes, we learn to do it in the corporate world and in our social circles (and certainly, at school, during each phase, we are “Jimmy’s mom,” or “Alison’s mom”) – but – what if you cast off the shackles of the 90-second elevator speech, and traded it in for the 8-armed, 6-legged, dual-brained master of all trades and juggler of fun?
Funny… when I’ve lived abroad and met people, they don’t ask “what do you” in the first 30 seconds of meeting. In fact, we just engage, discuss, respond verbally and non-verbally. Eventually information seeps out – things we love and do, people in our lives, marital status, names of those who have passed through our birth canal. But the race to place a label on our heads just isn’t there.
I am a woman – and everything else. Aren’t we all, who aren’t men?
Welcome! And, the blur period! I like it. (I mean, I like calling it that.) I think maybe you are braver than I am. Not define myself? Yikes. But maybe I’ll give it a try. Maybe it will be liberating. So, thanks!
Hello Wolf. I have heard similar assessments from other people who have spent time abroad – that people don’t ask what you do, what your job is, in the first moments of meeting you. That work and career do not hold the key to who you are. I would love someday to experience this. I am sure that it is liberating to know that when you are first making acquaintances you don’t have to feel any certain way about any certain thing that you are or ARE NOT.
It seems that in this country our whole life is defined by where we are going until we get there. And once we arrive at that job it is the final definition of our self. But what about all the people who get somewhere they don’t want to be? Or stop somewhere along the way to their end goal? The people who hang in the balance.
Big questions. And there are more. But it is too early for me to think them all through. So I will end my reply there. Hmmph.