When I was a kid my brother, my sister and I would hole up in a bedroom or the corner of the living room during the Holiday break and start a marathon tournament of Monopoly. At least, I assume it was winter. I think I remember flannel pajamas, well-worn slippers and blankets tucked around our legs. I know I remember mornings before my parents had risen spent trading Park Place for all of those Orange properties. St. James Place? New York Avenue? I remember the sound of the tossing dice–cheers and grumbles both at the resulting numbers. I remember losing a lot. I was the littlest sibling, you know.
We would start a game and go, go, go until it was time to press pause–for lunch or dinner, for sledding and snow angels, for bedtime even. We would leave the game arranged on the carpet and part ways. We would eat and play and sleep and come right back to the same game until we finished, upon which we’d re-organize the money and dole it back out while lining up the usual suspects on the GO spot: the iron, the shoe and the top hat.
I had forgotten these tournaments until just tonight. As I put the little boys to bed I heard my husband roaring at my oldest boy downstairs. For a moment I paused during my rendition of “The Farmer in the Dell” for fear that the usual impatience and competitiveness had finally broken out between them during their now two day Monopoly match. Instead, however, I heard my boy Jamis cackling and roaring back at his dad. They were having fun. It was sweet music to me. I smiled wide and continued on. “The dog takes a cat, the dog takes a cat…”
The game is now paused for the night. It sits neat and tidy in all it’s organized disarray at the table in the playroom. It sits waiting for its prey, for money to switch hands once, twice, three times in three turns. It is a tangible love, this game. It is smallness and yet so grand, giving joy in the moment and memories for tomorrow, too. At least, I hope it brings warm memories for my kids like it did for me.
Once Jamis was in bed I turned to Dan who sat surveying the properties won and lost in this round, the houses and hotels built up, the imbalanced amount of money left between the players’ hands.
“He’s only a toss or two away from losing,” said Dan.
“Well you better figure out how to throw it,” I said. Dan looked at me askew.
“You better figure out a way to let him win,” I said.
I know. I know. If you don’t know me this probably sounds awful. But he needs it. My boy needs it. To win. To win a challenge with his dad. He is all too often defeated.
We have never been the type of parents who give way to our children and let them win a battle just for the sake of winning. And yet, why not? I wonder. Kids don’t have the knowledge that we do, they don’t have the same skill. It is not a flaw on their part. I mean, they’re only children.
In rarely fixing a game of Chutes and Ladders and refraining from accidentally letting a ball slide past us into the goal I am confident that Jamis has mostly benefited. He is our first and we are guilty of rushing him and pushing him. But, for many years, he flourished. We were lucky and he is bright. But now, he needs something else. He has learned from us the staples of knowledge and strength. He manages his own way in the world: reading far beyond his grade level, computing numbers like a kid three years his senior, participating in league sports like a champion. From us he needs a fair amount of pause from the push. He needs compassion. Trust. Pride.
With two much younger brothers always underfoot, this boy does not yet enjoy the fruits of sibling rivalry during a Monopoly marathon. He is subjected to endless episodes of pre-school Diego and all too often told to “Be Careful!” or asked to get a diaper or a tissue or “help your brother out!” It is time for us to give way a little bit and concentrate on building his pride in self rather than his brain.
The game will resume tomorrow night and we’ll see what happens. I’m not sure there’s even a way to fix it at this point. Jamis is down about 1500 bucks and twelve properties, or something like that. But this lesson here, this one of changing the course of his studies here at home, it will stick with me. And I need to write this because I need to remember. I need to have a place to return to. My kid is a gem. Aren’t they all? But he needs more of me, and less of life and all of its demands. More freedom, less expectations. More compassion, less structure. I am worried that in worrying about all of his potential, I am stunting it in some way. And, although it is pretty uncomfortable to admit all of this, I feel mostly calm because I am confronting the truth. I have not been the mom that my child needs me to be. I have expected my seven year old to forever act older than his age, because that’s what you learn to expect from a kid who’s born at 10 pounds plus, who walks at eight months, who learns how to hold a conversation with the grocery cashier better than you ever could.
This post will give way to one of an even broader scope in the coming days–about High Expectations and the fool that they make out of me. Stay tuned. And remind me if I fail to remember, if I fail, yet again, my own expectation…
So, I’m not usually a specific question asker, but I wonder … do you let your kids win sometimes? At what? How often? When do you just let the game take its course? How do you explain to them the lessons of winning and losing? I mean, we all lose sometimes, right? It’s an important lesson (maybe most important) that we can’t always win. Do you struggle with this sometimes? Does your kid struggle with failure? Hmm…
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FIVE minutes before reading this, I let Miss M. “beat me” in a race up the stairs. I always let her win. Because she loses almost every board game she plays with her sister, nearly 4 years her senior. And Miss M. still often cries bitterly when she loses.
Because, let’s face it. Losing sucks.
Losing is always a bitter pill to swallow. And there are lots of losses out there waiting for her.
If I have to throw a few “races” so she can feel competent and strong, I will. And nobody can tell me that I’m an enabler or giving her a false impression of this world. Well they can, but I’ll punch them in the face.
I’m with you Kitch. And it does make them confident and strong. There are plenty of losses to come.
Right before Tiny Baby was born, my friend told me that the hardest thing about having two kids is that you feel like there’s never enough of you for both of them. (I can’t imagine the ways this concept twists and turns once you have three.) And she’s right, of course. Already I expect Big Boy (age 2) to be my little helper, always asking him to hand me this and cautioning him to watch out for that. So if we’re going to treat (by necessity, I think) our babies as adults at times, maybe it’s okay to give them a boost in a game or a race that evens out the playing field with their fellow grown-ups? To me that seems not only fair, but right.
I really should give this more thought before posting a comment, but I’ll just put down my gut reaction: we rarely let anyone win….rarely throw a game. (Really young kids, yeah, but older kids know when they haven’t won fair and square, and it must be a hollow victory, right?) That said, we try to do something else: show the act of mercy, which is different than pity, I think. We play a lot of Monopoly here too, and there will be times when someone lands on something and it’ll all be over, and we’ll show the poor kid how deep in the hole he is, and then, sometimes, we’ll show mercy. We’ll cut the rent in half, or let him keep his properties, or something to that effect. And our hope is that it’ll show him the act of kindness without making him feel he’s entitled to win. Because it was in our hands, not his. And he did nothing to deserve it, but it was freely given out of love. And I hope that when he’s bigger, he’ll show mercy too. On occasion. ;)
Sometimes, those firstborns need a boost up. I agree with that. We push them hard enough!
Mercy. Yes. I totally hear you. We DO show mercy, but I’m afraid it isn’t always understood as such. Not yet, anyway. Winning seems to be the grand motivator. And just about anything can be made into a race around here. I’m not sure I LIKE the challenges that pop up all over the place–who can put socks on faster, who can put the wood away quicker–but it gets a lot done. The biggest problem is that the challenges are usually between the seven year old and his dad. Hmm. Cause for concern. And thus the question of letting our kids win from time to time.
Sorry, tangent.
Mercy. Yes. And showing kindness without making our kids feel they are entitled….YES!
Very timely topic for my family- I’m interested to read peoples comments. Our 5yo loves games. And he’s a pretty bright kid so we play some fun games that I actually like to play and even find challenging. But he HATES losing. I don’t mind that he hates to lose (brings back the saying, ‘If you show me somebody who likes to lose I’ll show you a loser’). But I wish he would have some more appreciation for other people when they win. So I find myself throwing a game or two here and there, but not all the time. And frankly he does win sometimes all on his own. He even has told me he doesn’t like when somebody lets him win, that he would rather earn it on his own. So I think we are on the right track, but I tell ya, the tears and absolute disappointment and frustration when he doesn’t win is a bit much sometimes.
“…the tears and absolute disappointment and frustration when he doesn’t win is a bit much sometimes.”
I hear you. And I will say that it DOES get better, in that the tears seem to disappear with age and instead are replaced with attitude or just plain sullenness–which most of the time is easier.
As far as appreciation for when other people win…I think many adults I know are still trying to learn that, no? And the fact that this is even on your radar is wonderful. I often think we live in a very selfish world, where people are only concerned of themselves and “getting ahead.” Life is more than this. We are all connected. And. for me, that’s what you are acknowledging when you bring this up, this appreciation for the other man’s win, this acceptance that losing is okay.
So glad you popped in again to comment. I love the male perspective!
I totally understand this, and think you articulated it beautifully:
. My kid is a gem. Aren’t they all? But he needs more of me, and less of life and all of its demands. More freedom, less expectations. More compassion, less structure. I am worried that in worrying about all of his potential, I am stunting it in some way. And, although it is pretty uncomfortable to admit all of this, I feel mostly calm because I am confronting the truth.
As for letting kids win – life is so damn hard as it is, at home, I think they need to learn what winning feels like. We take our cues from them, as they get older (and more capable of context and perspective), and when they seem developmentally ready to start processing a loss in competition with a parent, we recognize it, and start introducing it.
I’ve thought long and hard about this one – it’s tough for any parent – and different with each child. More thoughts here (if you care to read): http://dailyplateofcrazy.com/2009/07/05/competitive-kids-competitive-parents/
As for feeling as though you need to provide more compassion and less structure? Again – you’re probably doing this far more correctly for each child than you realize, and again, each child needs both in differing amounts. I’m guessing if you go with your gut, you won’t be far off.
“life is so damn hard as it is, at home, I think they need to learn what winning feels like”
You are right, Wolf. And you give me a different perspective – which I ALWAYS ALWAYS appreciate.
Life IS hard. Too hard. And too often and too easily we feel defeated, don’t we? I think you are right in that our kids need to taste winning at home, to get a sense of it’s feeling, to understand the feeling of accomplishment.
I guess my hesitance at completely embracing the idea of letting my kid win is because I see far too many parents who has developed this sense of entitlement in their children. Children who later in life seem to have no idea how to stick something out, manage when life gets tough, deal with disappointment.
As always, there’s a balance. A word I absolutely despise. But it’s there. Waiting. Sitting. Wanting.
My kid is a sore winner. He gloats and brags and dances in your face. He shrieks and swaggers and cackles in glory. However, I still let him win on occasion and sometimes he beats me in his own right. His dad never allows him to win, preferring him to experience the hard-fought victory instead. I think this balance works for us. The swagger is much worse when he beats Dad at something, but I imagine that’s because the win tastes so much better.
Our kid is like yours. He’s 9 and the baby is 2, so he does lots of helping and understanding. He can’t hit back, scream back, or say no when she demands yet another session of puzzles. He must bring the diaper, grab the phone, run to the mailbox, etc.
He’s a hard worker and I feel we’ve done a great job of keeping him out of any bubbles, so I don’t mind suffering through this braggart phase. I sometimes think I can see his confidence expanding. He will be a fantastic man.
I love the feeling I get when I look at my kids and think, “He will be a fantastic man.” Thank you for reminding me of that.
We went through a braggart phase over here, too. But I don’t think it lasted very long. Now there’s not a huge reaction from my son over wins or losses, I just tend to worry about his overall feeling of being defeated. We are so very hard on him. I want to be sure we are boosting him as much as we can without either inflating his ego or tearing him down. It’s Tough.
I’VE MISSED YOU GUYS!!!
(I plan to sit with you later and catch up on your posts…I’ve been internet-less and just now had a moment to come by to say HELLO and now I have to go, but can’t wait to sit with you later.) :)
I hope the move went well, girlie! HELLO to you, too! Glad you have the internetz back. :)
OMG, I wanna know what happens… The suspense!
This is a raw and wonderful. Thank you for this.
Bre,
Big Smiles. The game stays in suspense, as the boys were unable to get back to it last night. I will be sure to let you know how it all turns out. :)
I sometimes let Hannah win but then she feels bad that I’ve lost. :) That aside, I know she’d tire of certain things if she kept losing so to keep her interested, I give her a nudge or let her take the win. But I will NOT let her win if she’s cheating, which has happened in games. I tell her she needs to win fair and square and that winning isn’t fun if it’s not done right.
Kids have so much pressure on them these days. It only can help them to feel good about themselves from time to time! I’m already picturing having to explain to Hannah that Luke will need to win sometimes too as he gets older. That should be interesting!
Oh Becca, you are right. I hadn’t even thought about the fact that Jamis will have to learn to take a loss so the little boys can taste victory–when they get old enough to actually JOIN in the games, that is.
I think that your comment solidifies for me that there is a definite difference on this issue between boys and girls. In Hannah’s case, since she feels so bad that you’ve lost when she’s won, I would think it even more important that she learns to appreciate winning. In my neck of the woods–aka BOYVILLE–I have noticed that boys need no guidance when it comes to feeling good about the win. Of course, another topic to explore. :)
Now I feel like crap because I haven’t even attempted a single game w/ my kid… {though, he’s three… so it can wait… but still…}
I think it’s necessary at times to turn your head and let them win now and then. Because they need to know they can do it – otherwise, really, they could go without winning a game for a very long time if we play by the rules and outsmart them every time.
{that’s not meant to sound harsh, I’m just at a loss for words tonight. I hope you catch my drift!}
I totally catch your drift. Luckily, however, there are games like Chutes and Ladders that are total chance and luck. These are basically the games that they start out with, so it’s about 50/50 who wins. I always tell people how surprised I am that parenting gets SO MUCH HARDER the older the kids get. At 7, Jamis is playing games with strategy involved…ahem, Monopoly, and this is where it gets REALLY tricky.
Rest assured, we do let him win from time to time. But not without teaching him along the way. And not when he can TELL that we are doing it. The game of Monopoly still sits in waiting at the table, tempting tiny 2 year old fingers with it’s little figures and paper money. I’m hoping there will be time to wrap it up tonight!
:)
I think most of the comments have said how I feel, but I will still chip in. I do think it important to allow children to read. As you, and other readers, have put it, we are adults, they are children. They do not have the understanding we have. Especially at younger ages. Competition is so hard when children are developing their sense of self. As they begin to compare themselves to others, they may begin to feel inadequate. I feel inadequate when I compare!
So, I think it is awesome that you are letting your son win. He deserves it.
To be honest, Ambrosia, it makes me uncomfortable to give the gift of winning just so my kid can feel good about himself – or, more accurately, can feel good about NOT LOSING. That said, I do think I recognize the importance of allowing it to happen from time to time. What I don’t want to instill in him is a feeling that he will always be champion, that there will never be defeat, that he will always be on top. This will be hard, with a first born, but then again, I find it hard just to let him win a game from time to time, so I think we are pretty much on track with acquainting him with the whole “Life is Hard” theme. Ha.
:)
Thank you for this thoughtful conundrum. My son is only 13 months old, and he is our first. So we haven’t arrived at this bridge yet. My husband believes in creating situations that are designed from the beginning to allow them to achieve victory on their own, rather than merely “throwing” a game or race. I hope that my perspective on this issue will become more crystalline when I get there. In the meantime I am acutely aware of how smart and intuitive children are. I think the risks are greater in being caught condescending to your child than they are in letting the child lose. If you can pull it off without being made, then there are some real potential benefits and it’s a tougher needle to thread.
Thanks for your thoughts on the topic. Check in with me in 5 or 6 years. I may have additional insight to offer then.
:) I love that you recognize you’ll be waiting for your perspective on this to become clearer…but it will come sooner than you think, my dear. A 13 month old? I give you 3 years until you are battling it out over Chutes and Ladders. :)
You are right in that if a game is going to be thrown it needs to be pulled off well, with no indication to the child that it was FIXED! And I am still hoping that my views become crystal clear…every day I long for this. The truth is that every situation, every child, every day is different and can require subtle changes in how we interact with our children. It’s exhausting. :)
Raising Miss Whiny Sore Loser (my daughter) meant that when she was younger I had to throw a lot of games for her. My husband, who is rapidly competitive, never understood mercy, even when playing Candyland with a 3-year-old.
Now that she’s ten she’s a worthy opponent. On vacation she whipped my butt at M&M Monopoly (do you eat it or play it?). I play like a tenement lord, collecting rents of, like, $11, while my savvy daughter buys up the utilities and bankrupts me.
My husband sounds like yours. He naturally sees little purpose in allowing a kid to win–even a 3 year old playing Candyland! He looked at me all backwards and upside down when I casually suggested he let Jamis win. Now, to be clear, this is something that I NEVER do, and I’m not exactly sure why I did in this situation. I just feel like the kid needs a boost. We’ll see what actually happens; the game is still paused.
i used to let my kid win, mostly at go fish and only because he didn’t know his numbers yet and i had to look at his cards. i felt like a cheater so i would let him win to balance it out. now we play bakugan and the rules change constantly so i *never* win. also, i purposely lose footraces because i like to run behind him and pinch his bum.
You? Are too darn cute.
1. I’m not a big fan of gold fish
2. I loathe playing bakugan!
3. pinching bums is one of the top five reasons we have thumbs
I remember this point in the life lessons with my kids. Because I had so many children so close in age, it was difficult to let one win when we played together. When there was that elusive one-child-one-parent time, it was much easier and was done on occasion.
As the children get older, they do see what is going on. They dislike not winning on their own merit. It hard to put an age on when that happens but it does.
I believe we have an obligation, as parents, to teach our children to lose gracefully but also to win with compassion. I have seen way to many teenagers and adults that cannot do either.
I agree, Nicki, I have seen WAY TOO MANY kids AND adults that can neither lose gracefully nor win compassionately. And, to be honest, it astounds me. To see a grown man throwing a fit on the tennis court, or a kid (teenager) sulking over a friendly game of checkers at a birthday party and then calling for a ride home…or something like that!
Merit. Yes. Learning from their merit. Recognizing their worth.
I love what a PP said, “to lose gracefully but also to win with compassion.” This would be what we try to teach the children. Your oldest sounds like mine: advanced beyond his age and so we have come to take all his “wins” in life for granted. There is a fierce, unsaid, competition between him and his father also, in addition to love and respect. I am grateful for this post. I don’t know how to answer your question simply: it depends. I still let my youngest win in games because he is not confident like his older brother. And he knows when I chose to NOT kick his pawn back to the base. If your pawns are trapped at “home” after the 10th throw in a game of Parcheesi, it is frustrating to anybody no matter the age. When it is the throw of dice or the draw of a card, I don’t see the harm in making it seem like Good Fortune is smiling upon him.
In our house, no matter what, even if the loser is in tears, everyone has to shake hands at the end of the game and say, “Good game. Thanks for playing.” It’s totally dorky, but it makes me feel better about the whole competition thing.
Seems to be kind of a theme going on here about husbands having a different point of view about letting kids win? Why are they such sticklers, I wonder? Mine is, too.
I admit I let Ben win about 50 percent of the time…at least in strategy games (I am so sick of Tic Tac Toe). Yes, he needs to learn how to lose, but he also needs to learn how to win. And then he needs to learn that winning isn’t everything. How come even game-playin’ is exhausting for parents??? We are a pretty competitive household with Hubby’s bike races, my runs, and all that…so we simply repeat over and over again: “We had fun.” As in: “Hey Mama, did you win the race?” “Nope, but I had a blast.” We were worried when he started soccer last season that he’d spend the entire game throwing himself on the floor and whining in frustration that he was not the fastest (as he used to do at home when playing), but turned out: he did not do it even once! Not ONE issue of sore loser, not one issue of no goal, not one issue. Just fun. Perhaps it’s sinking in???
Good thoughts all around. I just want to say that I have let my kids win at games before, but never at Monopoly… because my older son always, and uncannily, wins at Monopoly no matter what I do. My big problem is with the game itself, a hit in the last depression, it is a virtual tutorial in what’s wrong with our culture—a “game” in which one person will become rich and everyone else will be inevitably poor. Why not call it the prequel to the French Revolution?
Along the Monopoly way, I can’t help but give my younger son a little play money or a property here or there to keep him alive when he’s nearly wrecked, but isn’t giving our kids money and property natural to parenting?
When it comes to Chutes and Ladders, however, I like to play ruthlessly with a take no prisoners Great Santini style. It’s character building.