(i wish i had more for you
but my brain can’t handle any more than this
and i’m okay with that because as jen says
“motherhood is hard, yo”
and these words just have to be good enough for now)
my brain is swirling whirling disappearing and coming back around to itself
there are lists and tasks and chores and goals i have to do and meet and be
the exhaustion is pushed away by caffeine and kid-chasing, but it’s still there
and i get weary of worrying if i’m keeping perspective on life, my life, this life
somewhere underneath it all i am ever-confident
i know that i am more than i even need to be
but the surface tells another story
am i a better mother
better writer
better lover
than i envision myself to be when days are grim
when i feel like i’m failing with every step i take
i am bored of the ebb and flow of this confidence
i am bored of analyzing my emotions
and the actions and reactions of my husband and my children
i am bored of picking life apart and wondering, wondering
if i should make a change
what change to make
how to make it
when
and yet, this is life, my life
and it does not stop
the boredom is nothing more than boredom
my mind perpetuates with fret and worry
with expectations that build and fall when days are good or bad
this blog has become a blessing and a curse
more a blessing, to be sure dear reader
but i cannot milk the time from my life
to make my words what i need them to be
for you, for me
and yet i come here and know that
this is the place where i can be most me
or at least, i think it is
and yet
there are real-world voices that call to me
images that flicker in my mind a story i live in the here and now
my words should tell you that story
but it is often too hard
and i count on the similarities between us
and the universality of motherhood
to bring us together even when words fail to paint clear pictures
but inside our heads and our houses we are all so very different
even when our words ring true to each other
our days unfold in a slurry of little successes and failures
that are really quite unknown to one another
our worries are not as strong on screen as we attempt to make them
our joys somehow more trivial when we write them out
my brain is swirling whirling disappearing and coming back around to itself
there are lists and tasks and chores and goals i have to do and meet and be
and the exhaustion is pushed away by caffeine and kid-chasing, but it’s still there
and i get weary of worrying if i’m keeping perspective on life, my life, this life
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, hear hear. Perspective, sanity, time, patience … I could always use more. That part probably is universal. But so much stays in the realm of the unknown and uncertain. Some days I revel in that; on others I just feel disconnected.
Tomorrow is arriving soon.
I think we’ve all felt this way at one time or another, pulled in a million directions and so busy we can’t seem to get it all done or ahve any energy or time left for ourselves. and once it’s all said and done, it was those millions of little things that were truly the most important (although stressful) parts of your day. Hang in there…after a good night’s sleep, it’s a new day to start all over!
I can completely understand where you are coming from. Sometimes blogging is an outlet and other times it feels like something else that I want to get done in they day. And which things on the list will get done? It is that balance we look for and strive for. It is hard and thankfully there is always tomorrow to start fresh.
Thank you, ladies. I am happy to say that moments like this drift in and drift out. Pass through me and over me with barely time to wedge themselves into my mood for too long. Taking the time to quickly write the words is sometimes all that I need. That and picking up a pizza on the way home for the boys, scurrying about and cleaning my house, and packing for a weekend away from it all! That’s right, I’m headed out of town for the weekend sans kids. It’s a mini-vacation that I’m SURE will satisfy this need to change my perspective, help me relax, renew and refresh!
Twitter: Momalom
I echo and savor every word. What’s also true is that we understand and will be here, for 500 words or one. Your voice resonates in us and keeps us coming back.
Now go enjoy your vacation!
Twitter: millermix
I think that’s my constant concern: will my voice resonate with you even on the days I don’t have the time to to devote to the writing. I don’t want to be so rushed and hurried all the time. I want to take care with my words and my thoughts. But life just can’t always give me that right now, so it’s little ditties like these that will leak out from time to time and make their way up to the screen.
Off to PACK!
Twitter: Momalom
Writing our thoughts out in this public domain comes with the consequences. We write to enhance ourselves. We write to develop our talents. Yet, we find our time dwindling. Kids and husbands, work and housework need our attention. We must learn to prioritize.
Often, though, I find myself coming back. Even when my house was turned upside down (by the Queen), I find peace in my blog. I also realize that I may not write perfectly each time. I also may not write something of substance every day. But, there must be some reward for returning again and again.
Twitter: ambrosiat
Oh Amber, I find much peace in it, too. But I am also in a constant battle of push and pull–coming and going to the house, in and out, over and over again. Making time for the blog is definitely higher on the priority list than cleaning up the play room, but it still falls below dinner and bath time, you know? And I am constantly frustrated that I don’t have MORE TIME to be here, to write, to read all of you. Jen and I can be heard at least one time each day saying, ” We Need More Time!”
Sigh.
Twitter: Momalom
ahh motherhood. I love it and I hate it. But I love it. And then I hear my 3yo asking the same question over and over and over again. Never dull.
Enjoy your trip, Sarah! I presume it involves some running, maybe.
I had two days like this this week – two days in a row. I so understand where you are and hope you enjoy your time away.
Twitter: NickiinNY
I love this post. It explores feelings I often have. I struggle to with feelings of inadequacy and yet deeper down know I am doing the best I can. The vacillation of my confidence is exhausting.
Twitter: latermom
This is brilliant could be the anthem of so many women. You are not alone! I am so glad you put all of this into words.
Twitter: lostsuburbbliss
(oops, I forgot the word “and” after “brilliant” in my comment. Ironic, really.)
Twitter: lostsuburbbliss
You know, I think there’s something quite important about recounting these feelings, these kinds of days, and memorializing them as you have so beautifully here. Our blogs and the conversations they create don’t have to be about the moments of clarity or the moments of beauty; there is real meaning in the moments of life that dominate our maternal landscapes.
Twitter: Motherese
Yes yes, Nicki. Dan and I are off to Austin where we will meet my brother and his wife – and I will struggle through a half-marathon on Sunday. Haven’t trained, will run slower than I ever have, but 4 days free from the ordinary is really the whole point and purpose. I am in the airport now. Woot!
Twitter: Momalom
Damn, I just wrote this great comment and it went into space somewhere…
Anyways, damn girl if this is “all you’ve got” today. Damn, girl. What the hell do you mean “this is all?”?!?
Blogging…YES…a blessing and a curse. I thought it was only me.
And this: “but inside our heads and our houses we are all so very different
even when our words ring true to each other
our days unfold in a slurry of little successes and failures
that are really quite unknown to one another”
This was my favorite. I wish I had more time before I had to pick the class up from PE…sigh…the responsibilities of work….harumph. Have an amazing time and think of me while you’re runnin’! I’ll be cheering for you from MIA!
This post was Amazing. The whole thing. So much of it I thought was “just me ” but apparently not. So listen her, enjoy every single moment of your get away. Even the exhaustion after your run! Can’t wait to hear about it all… Especially the Texas Two Step I’m sure you’ll do while you’re there!
Twitter: dramaformama
Unbelievable how wonderful it is to have met up with so many women who form a supportive, loving community and yet all we want to do is spend time with them – and that involves reading and commenting and writing, and, of course, we have no time for that.
I got home an hour and a half ago with my family, plopped down at the computer, and haven’t moved an inch. Another night spent among friends, but, yes, isolated from my family and the grand opus? Still in my computer…
Have a great trip!
Twitter: barmitzvahzilla
a little behind here…
this post leaves me weeping because i feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY and it gets all muddled and confusing and intertwined and though i want perspective and to take a step back and do one thing at a time it’s just damn near impossible and then i just crumble realizing that i cannot get it all done the way i want it to be done, the way i need it to be done.
so thank you… that was a good cry. i needed it.
Twitter: mybottlesup