Comments on: There comes a time when the yelling has to stop

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 19:26:02 +0000

Yes! After I told Jamis that I would slow down with the yelling he looked at me kind of stumped. With an expression that said the very words my husband had uttered the next day: “How in the hell are we going to do THAT?” So I told him when I felt the need to yell I was going to step away into the other room for a brief moment and take a big, deep breath. It’s something we have always asked him to do under frustration since he was a toddler, so I do believe he understood. And yes, I have practiced it and it does make a difference.

A single breath. A deep, cleansing, re-focusing breath.

It still amazes me that the air I breathe can renew so much if only I am conscious of it.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 19:23:04 +0000

It’s hard to know what we can expect of our oldest and what needs to pay attention to. The simple things–like getting clothes and shoes on and brushing teeth–I don’t have much patience for overseeing. If a child is old enough, that child should just DO IT, right? But it’s the emotional needs that tend to get lost in the shuffle. Especially with boys, and especially with the oldest boy.

That said, your Big Boy is only a wee little thing. And with the close age difference between your guys I think you may see that you’ll encounter much of these parenting dilemmas at the same time for both of them. I think it makes it a little easier. At least, that’s what I’m hoping as the little boys (15 months apart) grow up and into “their own.”

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 19:19:35 +0000

So there it is, right? You try to do something, SOME THING, ONE THING, that you want to do and it takes you away from your kids, and then you pay. In some way you feel like you always pay. It’s the patience and the frustration that I lose. But I have realized that I lose it all when I am trying to fit MY thing into THEIR time. And also? I have lowered my expectations (for all of us) considerably. It seems to help (even as frustrating as it is that I can barely expect us to get dressed some days…).

I know that I will have ME time after the kids are asleep every night. And sometimes that is all I can expect to get. I know that I have to get out of the house and away from the kids to expect any more than that. And if I try to do my own thing while they are around, I have to assume that I will get interrupted fifty times and thus be annoyed.

This is not to say that I don’t still try to do my own thing when they are underfoot. I do. Most certainly. But I DO get interrupted, and I DO get pissed off, and I am TRYING my darnedest to let that go and remember that I am the Mom, they are the Kids, and they NEED me.

I could go on…but, well, you know…

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 19:15:38 +0000

Oh Amber, I absolutely adore that you asked Mr. B. to read this too. Please tell him I think he’s an excellent man for supporting your blog and your words and even the words of a fellow blogger. You two are in this together and if I have learned anything at all it’s that communication is the backbone to the health and wealth of not only a marriage, but an entire family.

As usual, I find you incredibly self-aware–knowing there are good days and there are bad days and that’s okay. And by continuing to ponder this, and continuing to seek new methods and mindsets, you two are well on your way to establishing great routines as parents that will carry you through even the worst of times.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 19:12:23 +0000

Corinne,
It’s just the worst when your own kids call attention to the yelling, isn’t it? Not their own, of course–that would be too good to be true–but yours. My heart sinks a little when Jamis tells me about these things I do that bother him. And yet, I am ecstatic that my big-little boy has the courage, comfort and words to express himself to me. I do feel like I can at least give myself a pat on the back for that one!

By: BigLittleWolf

BigLittleWolf — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 17:12:08 +0000

Oh Sarah. I can only imagine three little boys. I remember these days with just two boys, only 18 months apart, and the unending tasks and squabbles to break up, the need for projects and homework help and idea generation and then everything the house and the “job job” required. Too much to do, too little time, incredible drain. And yelling spills out, even though you know there’s a better way.

I learned over the years – and my sons reminded me, even as teens – to reduce the yelling. It was fueled by fatigue and frustration, and so I learned to take that all-important breath. Those two or three seconds, and it really does work. Not always. But more often than not.

Life is a roller coaster and sometimes we yell. At least our children love us and trust our love sufficiently to tell us what they need. And we cherish them enough not only to listen, but to do our best to act on it.

By: Kristen @ Motherese

Kristen @ Motherese — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 15:18:15 +0000

Ahh, Sarah, this resonates so much for me today. I spend so much time asking and expecting Big Boy to be Big. And you know what? He’s two. So needy for hugs and love and praise. Not able to be patient while I take care of the baby.

I am also so grateful for your discussion of focusing on yourself. So often when talk steers in this direction, it’s all about pampering or just time away. But you are so right: focusing on our emotions and our reactions is critical to supporting our children. Such a wonderful reminder.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 14:43:15 +0000

“Accountability and inspiration go a long way.”
This is perfect. Thank you.

Every word you wrote could have been my own. “Lap too full with littles” and the 6 year old being pushed into more responsibility than he cares for.

Sometimes I feel like I’m swimming along just find, and other times I see the ship sinking and I’m busy, busy trying to find a way to rise to the surface again. Quieting my voice has so far been a delight, a relief of sorts. But the weekend is in full boy swing right now and it’s pushing all the wrong buttons. (Boys are “hiding” under a huge blanket they took off my bed and dragged to the living room. The wrestling has started and the dog is attacking. Cue screams and shrieks and crying.)

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 14:35:47 +0000

I’m completely guilty of staying up too late as well. I DO so cherish the hours and minutes after the kids are asleep. And I’m never ready for tomorrow to begin. So I stay up, up, up every night and regret it every morning. Let’s just say that the resulting tiredness does nothing to add to my patience levels with the kids. And the conclusion: an earlier bedtime would definitely aid my new No-Yelling policy. I need a little discipline here!

By: ck

ck — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 13:08:12 +0000

Personally I find that when I’m trying to make time for me, or focus on me and my needs, my kids get ME at my worst. It’s hard for me to make that separation sometimes. Letting go of myself for them. But then one of them will sit on my lap and say something like Jamis did. And in that instant I want to change. They have such powerful words.