This morning on my drive into work, I happened upon an interview with scientist Stephen S. Hall. In talking about his new book Wisdom: From Philosophy to Science he used the term “emotional suppleness.” I didn’t hear much of what he said after that, because I just kept repeating those two words over and over to myself. Emotional suppleness. Emotional suppleness.
I’ve written about my struggles for time, about wanting to be mindful of my children’s childhoods while also preparing them for adulthood, about the challenges of getting kids into bed, of keeping calm, of not wanting to be judged or judgmental. And what lies beneath these and much of my writing is a desire to be emotionally stronger.
It is easier, I think, to define physical strength. We can run a race, lift weights, do an increasing number of push ups or hold a yoga pose. And we can measure progress or lack thereof in all of these pursuits. But emotional strength? How is that measured? If I raise my voice with my kids out of frustration, how does this reflect my emotional control? I know, of course, that there are sometimes good reasons to raise my voice. So, how do I become more supple in my reactions to things, both outwardly and inwardly? How do I know that I am getting stronger in the ways that I emotionally handle things? How do I measure my progress–or my need for progress?
For the past year, I’ve been feeling my way along in this world of blogging and becoming a writer again, both in practice and–more important–in identity. Writing for me is all about emotions. And growth. It’s about practice and getting better at something that I love to do. I write to find my own strength. I write to work things through. I write because getting thoughts out of my head makes it clearer to me what I really believe. How I really feel. Writing connects my brain and my heart.
And this morning, finding myself transfixed by two seemingly unrelated words strung together, I felt at peace almost. Unified. As if in putting into words what I want to achieve–emotional suppleness–I will have a better chance at success. In mothering. In writing. In other pursuits as yet unknown.
I have some reading to do to figure out if my interpretation of emotional suppleness is anywhere close to what Stephen Hall’s is. I haven’t read any of his books, and he used the term to describe a facet of wisdom. But I’m intrigued enough to explore deeper the way I define my emotions. The ways in which I react to them and express them. A brief look at Hall’s website led me to words such as “humility” and “compassion.” I like the sound of both. Perhaps I’ve found a window that will let a little light into my own emotional development. That will allow me more flexibility. More confidence.
I believe strongly that emotional mothering is something that I will always do, and that I will always strive to do better. And although emotional suppleness is a topic so far beyond my reach that I fear I am even writing about it too soon, I know that if I don’t start writing now, I won’t come to know how I really feel about it. So, bear with me.
Emotional suppleness. Emotional suppleness. Emotional suppleness.
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“I know that if I don’t start writing now, I won’t come to know how I really feel about it. So, bear with me.”
I’ll bear with you. All the way. With this post – and in this bit especially – you’ve hit on one of the reasons I value writing and why I miss it so much when I go a day without writing. Writing helps me process. It helps me understand. Could it be that it makes me more emotionally supple? Maybe. Let me go write about it and I’ll let you know. :)
.-= Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..Raising Happiness =-.
Ooooo. I like this whole train of thought. And it’s a wonderful way of putting it – “emotional suppleness.”
Looking back on 18 years (and what I’m still learning), there’s no question that we get better and the hairpin turns involved in both anticipating and responding to our children – emotionally – with words, expression, listening, putting their actions into context.
Looking forward to where you take this.
.-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..10 Pearls of Positivity for a Tenuous Tuesday =-.
Emotionally supple: intriguing way to think about it. I’m with Kristen on the writing helping with processing; God, what would I do, or have done, my whole life without it!
I think the fact that you’re even thinking about this stuff shows just what an amazing kind of mother you are emotionally already.
.-= Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog .."Wicked Good Post" =-.
“Writing connects my brain and my heart”. Yes. That hits it on the head for me. And I too parent through “emotional mothering”. It’s the only way I’m comfortable although I struggle with it too (if that makes any sense!). I am fascinated now by this term emotional suppleness and look forward to learning more about it through (and with) you.
Thank you.
.-= becca´s last blog ..The Baggage in my Bag =-.
Oh Jen, I can so relate. These last couple of days without writing have been hard, even though we were away and “relaxing”, I felt that a huge chunk of me was missing, because I wasn’t working through it by writing about it…
I like the combination of the words, too. Why is it so hard to be flexible about our emotions when we can be flexible about everything else?
Beautiful and thoughtful, as always…
.-= Maria´s last blog ..Friday Follow for March 26, 2010 =-.
I love this post. (You HAD to be listening to NPR, right? So many great thoughts come out when one is listening to NPR.) I think you put it perfectly when you said you connect your brain to your heart. I spend so much time using my brain, and so much time defending my heart. Writing helps me to let down the armor and show what I’m made of.
.-= Jana@Attitude Adjustment´s last blog ..Spill It!: Stripping Away the Labels =-.
I don’t know how the two of you keep getting in my head, but I really like it.
Emotional suppleness. Lately I’ve been thinking that emotional health of any kind means allowing yourself to truly feel, while staying (what my husband calls) more “even.”
I hope that made sense. Like you, I don’t even know if I understand what I’M saying…that’s why I write about it so much.
Thank you. Again. I love your face off. :)
.-= Heather of the EO´s last blog ..Apparently I’m focused on food =-.
Writing is a recent discovery for me in as a way of expressing myself. All through my life I’ve used creativity as an outlet but never writing. I’ve got to admit that I’m enjoying myself whether I’m good at it or not.
Emotional suppleness in an interesting and very alluring phrase. I must think on it some more and see how it applies to my life. It also reminds me of a phrase that my husband taught me… “Rigid Flexibility.” In other words, have a plan but be aware and mature enough to know when that plan needs to be adjusted. Thank you for something to roll around in my brain today!
I have always been emotional, and I find that every day I struggle to strike a balance between reacting with my mind or with my heart, and the emotions that follow. When I write, I feel I am more guarded, am able to temper my feelings, filter my thoughts, but when I’m in the moment, when I’m not afforded the luxury of time or spellcheck, my emotions take over. But what does it mean to be “emotionally supple”? I may cry at commercials but I have weathered through some difficult times. What does that make me?
And lastly, “writing connects my brain and my heart” – So true. Makes me think about what my writing does for me. Thank you for this.
.-= JT´s last blog ..And so it begins. =-.
Adding suppleness to anything sticky and complex and all-encompassing like emotions, seems like a good thing.
Now, how to do it?
:) Rachel
.-= 6512 and growing´s last blog ..March Madness =-.
I’m sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to find out more about your discovery. I can’t wait for you to tell us more, for I know (or at least think) that I cannot be emotionally supple. I am an emotional weakling, have never had any control over my emotions, am often awash in them.
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..Expectations =-.
I like the sound of those words together too, Jen. I think I need some suppleness in all areas of my being to just raise kids and do the things I do. And if the author’s definition doesn’t match your/my/anyone’s conception, the phrase is too wonderful to give up!
That term is now yours. It doesn’t matter if your definition does not match the author’s definition, because you are giving it the life it needs.
Emotional suppleness.
I can see why it whirled around your brain all day. It is the antonym of emotional starvation. It describes what you, what I, what anyone, is seeking when we analyze our emotions and gather our thoughts.
Whoa. I’m a day late to this post and comment party, and boy am I glad I came back to read this one.
Emotional suppleness. Man, I love that phrase. Even though I don’t fully understand it. Maybe *because* I don’t fully understand it. The phrase holds promise, a state of being reflecting flexibility and strength at the same time.
I think this is something like resilience. Being able to stretch and bend, but still bounce back. Like a rubber band. Having strength to take challenges in stride.
I’m so eager to learn more – keep it comin!
.-= Eva´s last blog ..Adaptation: Cultivating plants and appreciation =-.
What an evocative phrase. It makes me feel soft and warm. I can’t wait to learn more about it (you know, after you do some research and then write your way through it for all of us).
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..The Yellow Park =-.