I know, I know, this Liar Series is turning into quite a to-do. But here’s the truth: I need to write about this. I need to write about it here on the blog. I need your comments, insight and perspective. I am not shy one bit when it comes to telling you that my life is chaotic, I don’t know what the hell I am doing, and I love to hear suggestions and advice from others because, did you hear me, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING AND I’M NOT GOING TO PRETEND THAT I DO.
So, today’s update. I’m at GG’s right now. I am alone. The kids are with Dan. I called this morning to check in and spoke briefly with Jamis. And this is how the banjo played:
-Hi Mom.
-Hey, whatcha doing?
-Bringing Daddy a picture I drew for him.
-Oh yeah?
-Yeah, I made it with the new markers.
-The new markers? (Are you freaking kidding me? This kid is freaking gutsy!)
-Yeah, Daddy brought them in from the car.
-Oh.
-Hey. Remember you were going to talk to me? You never got to talk to me after school yesterday.
-Yeah, I know, Honey. I came to GG’s. We’ll talk about it tomorrow when I get home.
-We can talk about it now. (Imagine the sweetest little boy tone you’ve ever heard in your life. OH INDEED.)
-Not now, Sweetie. We’ll talk tomorrow.
-Okay.
Um, I think it’s safe to say we can move from planting the seed to cultivating the seed, yes? And as for the markers, remember those? Remember that they were the lone package of Crayola goods that weren’t doled out, that had remained in the car hidden from view? Well, I had to figure out if my kid was gutsy or stupid or what, so I got Dan back on the phone and…
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Jamis told me he drew you a picture with the new markers?
-Yeah.
-The markers that were in the car and a part of this whole lying thing?
-Oh. Yeah.
-He said you brought them inside?
-I didn’t bring them inside. Max brought them inside. And then Ethan spilled a glass of soda on them and the box disintegrated and I had to take them out and wipe them down and they were just sitting on the kitchen table.
-Oh. Okay.
Seriously. I was about to question if Dan had paid any attention whatsoever to the whole sneaky lying incident. I think in this instance Max and Ethan have only helped, not hurt, my attempts at cultivating a seed. Seeing and using those markers surely jogged a boy’s brain, dontcha think?
I hate to drag it out another day, but I guess we’ll see what happens tomorrow. Is it wrong that, thanks to the blog, I’m kind of now enjoying this whole dilemma?
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No, it is not wrong that you write about this on your blog!! That is what a blog is for, right? A place that you can go and write when you want and what you want.
All these cliff hangers are making me feel antsy…
And, here it is. Parenting: Exposed. You think you have this one dilemma, involving one child. And then, all of a sudden, everyone is involved. Spilled-on, wiped-up markers. A disintegrated box. Three boys making art. Is there a life lesson in here somewhere?
Life lesson: No, I will never have it all figured out, nor under control. And the messes? Inevitable. Unavoidable. Unending.
I think the only life lesson is that parenting is messy, changes constantly, and you fly by the seat of your pants. Markers and all.
Glad you got a little time to yourself though. I’m thinking you’re not coloring. (I suggest that style makeover. Pull out the Cosmo Mags, the Elle mags, the Style Mags, and take a few digital pics. Let’s get cracking on another art project!)
I know, I know, it’s distraction for grownups. (Is that bad?)
If the only other option is to let it eat your guts up from the inside out, then I think enjoying it and writing about it is much preferred!
Oh no! He used the Daddy manuever on you!! Slick! Get your game on girl and be cool tomorrow…Calm and quiet ALWAYS outwits them…
I will be thinking of you and sending parenting power!
Hugs…
I’m actually loving that this has become a whole series about the lying incident – and how to address it. It’s fascinating to read all the parenting advice from others, and to follow the saga with your family. (I know, that didn’t sound nice – that I’m getting entertainment from your family’s pain. That’s not what I meant, just that I’m learning a lot.)
There are so many smart mama’s here!
The “Daddy brought them in from the car.” part might not be a lie so much as an assumption. Sometimes when I ask my kids “Who did x?” a name will be named and I have to ask “Did you see them do it” and the answer is usually “no, but I know I didn’t do it.”
Maybe it isn’t ideal that several days have passed, but it is what it is and you are dealing with it to the best of your ability and that’s way better than doing it when you were sick and knew it wouldn’t go well or over the phone when you can’t be sure he’s really listening. You’re doing a good job and more than likely you’ll get another chance to have the same conversation in the future. ;)
We’ve had to deal with little lies here and there, too. But this morning – after having read the other lie posts last night – my husband found a ziploc bag with a note to me in the kitchen. When he came into the LR with it AT (6yo girl) jumped up and down “No, no, no, Mommy isn’t supposed to see that!” Taped to the note was a lock of hair that my daughter had cut off during school. She put it under the fridge “because [she] didn’t think [I'd] ever find it under there” Normally, I probably would have been quite angry but I remembered the comments from you and your readers and we had a calm conversation about the whole thing. So thanks everyone!
I had actually noticed a chunk missing from her hair (it wasn’t that big) but thought it was from when we had to cut out a Zhu-Zhu pet so I never asked her about it.
Once, when I was about Jamis’s age, I pulled a single green grape off of a stem in the grocery’s produce aisle just after my trip to the dentist. My mouth was numb, and I wasn’t supposed to eat for an hour, and I hid that grape in my fist until I could safely sneak it. I felt guilty–though not guilty enough to confess before enough time had passed to render it laugh-worthy.
My little brother used to take our Christmas money, and I remember my parents debating whether keeping it in plain sight presented unnecessary and insurmountable temptation (Dad) or a valuable standard of honesty and trust (mom). Today he’s totally trustworthy.
I had my own liar issues today, not with my son but with a student (he’s a thief to boot). The fact that he’s much older than seven, much more experienced and completely aware that what he’s doing is wrong made it easier to talk about but more concerning overall. I think it’s hard at any age to want what you can’t have, but eventually most of us learn make peace with that. I think the seeds of honesty and understanding that you’re cultivating with your son will help him learn how.
(Now, what to do with a teenager who never did?)
Arrrgggh! Bhrwaaaaaaa! Cuss it all!
I do, however, think your plan will work.
I have enjoyed following this “series.” It’s helped me to not feel so alone. My 6 yr. old has recently started “But I didn’t know” said in the sweetest voice possible — said when he clearly KNOWS. I chaperoned a field trip last week and discovered the source – his new “best” friend pulled that with the teacher and as he walked away she said in hushed tones, “Watch out for that one!” Uh-oh.
I am tuned in. This is better than any mini-series. :)
Glad you got away! I am interested to see what why the younger one got the markers from the car. Prodding? Sudden memory?
Have a great week, Sarah!
I just wanted to let you know I referred to you in a recent blog post, in a good way. :)
http://3kidsin2yrs.blogspot.com/2010/03/its-about-writing.html
I think your doing a great job. I have enjoyed reading how your handling this issue.
*banging head against the kitchen table*
Well, shit. Now Max and Ethan were allowed to use the markers, right? Or not, since they were in the car?
Ah, the plot thickens. Add wine and stir.
OK, I just read all the liar posts so that I can be up to speed. Ironically, I sort of wrote about this today, well, the punishment part. And the reason my kid needed a punishment was because she lied. It’s not the first time, and I would be naive to think it’s the last. The worst part is that she lied right to my face SEVERAL times over. No matter how I posed the question, no matter what threats I gave her about lying, she held strong. Finally she broke, and when I grounded her, she became mad at me.
Long story short, we had a serious talk about lying, and how it can just lead her down a road that she wished she had never taken. She did tell me that the reason she lied is because she knew I wouldn’t understand the truth. Although that isn’t entirely true, there was a leeeetle bit of truth to it. I probably would have overreacted to what she had to tell me. So, I need to revisit my reactions to her, so that she knows that lying to me would just be worse than anything she could tell me.
Sorry for the long comment all about me, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone. Sigh…where’s the pinot????
Gibby,
This part of your comment has stuck in my mind for the last 24 hours: “I probably would have overreacted to what she had to tell me. So, I need to revisit my reactions to her, so that she knows that lying to me would just be worse than anything she could tell me.”
I think this is the major problem in our world right now. The SIZE of our reactions to Jamis’s “doing” and “wrong-doing.” Or, as I like to think of it, “NON-doing.” Because usually he was supposed to do something that just didn’t get done, and therein lies the problem.
But I need to keep our reactions in check. Well, mine. MY reactions. If only I could control my husband’s. Sigh.
And I also need to institute JAMIS TIME. He doesn’t get enough of us. His time has been trampled on since I had not one but TWO little brothers in a span of two years. I’m exhausted, but he’s deflated. And I think the effects are really starting to take their toll. So, I’m not sure how we are going to do it with my husband’s crazy work hours, but I want to give Jamis one night a week, preferably OUT OF THE HOUSE, with ONE of his parents.
Thankfully I haven’t told him yet so I still have some time to figure out the details. Or, I can just sort of start it spontaneously (which is pretty much how I work anyway)!
Sarah
You have me hanging…..what happened when you got home? I feel like I’ve missed my episode of As The Liar Turns…..
If only my life were THAT exciting…
He’s either the smoothest criminal out there, or completely oblivious. How on earth can you tell the difference? And how do they get so damn good at this so young?
(PS: It’s taken us a week of constant T-15 for each lie and she FINALLY caught herself tonight. And then stopped and corrected what she was about to say. And we celebrated. And then I realized that we were whooping it up because she did what she was supposed to in the first place. That’s it. Nothing more. Seriously? Is this what it all boils down to? I think I want to be a kid again…)
Oky dok, gals and gal-lets…Liar Update (conclusion?) has been posted…Thank you for your continued love and support. I’m not kidding in the least when I tell you that I really love the fact that I can get so many comments, ideas, and pieces of advice here on the blog. And that many of your remarks flashed through my mind while I was talking to Jamis and yet again, making up what I was doing as I went along. Cause you know, it wouldn’t be like me to have a REAL plan before we sat down to talk.