A very wise reader named Cathy recently emailed me during my dealings with a certain little liar we know. Cathy is a mom to three boys, like me, and had this to say about having three kids:
Parenting my first is an experiment;
I practice with my second;
the third just seems natural.
This sentence caught in my throat as I read it. It cleared the skies and lifted me up. It absolutely defines life with my three boys.
Jamis gets the brunt of me. The crispy edges of my parenthood. The raw material, not yet performed. Everything with Max is practice. And he constantly reminds me that what works with one child so clearly may not work with another. With Ethan my parenting is easy and natural. I have very few fears about his needs and his wants. Very few fears that I’ll mess him up, that he isn’t happy, that he’ll struggle or fail.
I know that the personalities of my three children only help to solidify Cathy’s statement. Jamis is a perfectionist. He wants things to be just so. He wants always to succeed and he’s gotten used to doing so. Jamis is smart and kind and generous, but he has no idea what his passions are. He looks to other children for ideas like I look to my readers for advice. Everything about him and me, both separately and together – is an experiment just waiting for the results.
On the flip side, Max is passionate about nearly everything. He struts his stuff, knows what he likes and most certainly what he doesn’t. He is sure to let me know that many of my parenting strategies may not work on him at all. By constantly pushing his own limits he is also pushing mine. I practice new tricks of this parenting trade with him almost daily.
And then there’s Ethan, oh Ethan…he’s a little ball of love and warmth. He goes with the flow and watches his brothers intently. But he also realizes that he must build up his own character to survive among the madness. Because of this he can get ornery in a flash, and then minutes later wrap you in the sweetest hug. Everything about him seems just the way it should be. And I, in turn, am most natural when with him.
Cathy can’t possibly know how grateful I am for her words and insight. I have struggled for a year to put into words the evolution of parenting three children. Why I love it and why it makes me a little bit crazy some days. But mostly, why I love it.
I wonder if you can relate to Cathy’s wisdom like I can. I don’t think you need three children to feel the truth in her observations. If I had but one child I know I would still nod my head and think, “Yeah, my life with Jamis is a total experiment in parenting.” And with three I just laugh. And the laughter gets me through most days.
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Thank you for sharing Cathy’s comment and your thoughts on it. I so get why it lifted your spirits. I often feel guilty about the HUGE differences in how I parent my two girls. My experimental side and my natural side. Thank goodness I only have two…if I were expected to “practice” with one, that child would really get the brunt of me because I don’t practice, I cheat. HEY – at least I admit it!
Oh, this sure rings true! I have 3 and I always feel like the first got the worst and the best, in different ways of course. Now I’m down to one most of the time, and it is a lot easier and natural. Altho, I also know when to come down now like a ton of bricks without feeling bad at all, the way I might’ve with my first (they’re 22, 19, 15), so in that way she can’t get too much past me like he could’ve at times…
Fun post!
I like this! What about only two? Can I have a two-sentence haiku about that?
Jana, I think the same theory would apply to two kids: experimenting with the first and practicing with the second. However, this would imply that the parenting would never feel natural, which I don’t believe to be true. I do think, though, that the natural feeling comes with time. With Ethan, my third, I felt at ease with him and my abilities as a mom from the get-go. From the minute he was born. That is the difference to me. Everything from breastfeeding to burping to nighttime waking and diaper blow-outs was second-nature. Lucky me. Ha!
I am so much harder on my first-born. I’m so glad I’m not the only one.
“Jamis gets the crispy edges of me…” LOVE this. Made me laugh and smile.
This is so true. Even my kids notice the difference in the ways I parented 1-3 and somewhat 4 and how I now deal with 5 and 6, particularly 6 as everyone seems to think I let him have it easy.
This is reason alone to have a third… so that SOMETHING, ANYTHIN feels natural!
Loved this Sarah. Your descriptions of your sons are so full of adoration and insight. Perfect.
I agree with you Becca, this post is almost my tipping point. I must, must get my husband to read. Will he be convinced? I doubt it…but oh, this makes it feel just like why I want it to be so.
If your husband isn’t convinced by this post I would totally understand. You might want to add, however, that my husband, the man who would be GOOD WITH TWO KIDS, has recently described Ethan, our third, as “a gift.” That’s it. That simple. A gift.
Coming from him, as a man and a father, I am so touched by that simple expression that I don’t think I will ever let it go. I think it is one of those things that will actually escape my mommy brain syndrome of forgetting nearly all the important moments in my life and my kids’ lives.
Thank you for sharing. I only have 2 children, but they are as different as night and day. My first born I was the hardest on, but she is totally wild and a free spirt. By the time my son came along I wasnt a new mom anymore and I could tone it down. Then I realized that my son was one of those self entertainers. Life became alot easier the 2nd time around. God was looking out for me, cause he knew I couldnt take 2 of the same wild kid.
Oh, Cathy, thank you for this wise tidbit. And thank you, Sarah, for sharing it and reflecting on it in terms of your boys.
I think it was at Lindsey’s that I was just saying how I put monumental expectations on my older son, even though he is only 2 1/2. But I like this image of our relationship as an experiment, with him getting the “crispy edges” of me. (Perfect, Sarah!) I don’t necessarily like that I do it, but I like that I am not alone.
I think my oldest is definitely my experiment. I feel like my youngest is the result. She hears and sees and absorbs while he and I are in the thick of it. We’re the movie and the moral while she’s the intent observer waiting for the message.
And we call her Evirella … so just what are we teaching her?!
This does seem very wise. My first was by nature more demanding, and I expected much from in, partly because of that. I also expected so much more of myself. My second was different in every way, and by nature “easier.” He’s also more mysterious. It’s called for very different handling. I think we learn on the first, and relearn as needed on the next.
I still don’t know how Nicki’s even standing, after 6!!
Learn and re-learn, as needed. Hmm, this works, too. Morphing along the way as ALSO needed, no?
Different children, different personalities that shift over time. Same too we parents: same external, shifting internals. Constantly.
This post rings true with me, also. I loved it so much I read it aloud to my sister over the phone (who has three children spaced 2 years apart). We were both commenting about the amazing truth with the first-born, middle and youngest. You’re in very good company, my friend!
Oh SISTERS. And talking over the phone. AND SISTERS. Is there nothing better? Than the phone and your sister? And sharing truths about motherhood. Frustrations and joys and stupid silly facts like going to the dentist at 5:00?
I.love.it.
And yes, Jane, good company. Very VERY good company. :)
My third’s arrival is imminent, and I cling to the hope that this will be the same for me! My first one knocked the equilibrium out of me for a loooooong time; with my second, I wasn’t afraid to trust my instincts, at least a little; and with my third? Having it feel “natural” sounds lovely.
Oh yay! The third is ON THE WAY! How exciting. In so many, many ways. A new little bundle of love (yes, I have some baby-envy).
And this feeling of my mothering being more “natural”? Yes, tis true. I hope you feel the same, and that you let me know how things are going once the little bean arrives!
Good Luck!
That Nicki cracks me up applying the complicated math to six kids!
Um, I think some days I kind of suck with both kid one and kid two. And I’ll say that I get better as they get older. When I ask them they both say that I’m an easier parent to the other one. Typical.
As a mama of three…all I can say is YES!!! I think I needed to hear this too. Especially with my first baby. Wow. What you wrote really hit me. Is this why firstborns are always perfectionists? Or tend to be? Because they are trying to balance out the uncertainty they see in their first-time moms? They try to smooth out the edges? So interesting…..
I am the most natural with my third too. I am relaxed about habits that need to be broken because I know by now that things will evolve….just the way it goes.
Thanks for this today. Great post.
:-)
Lee, it’s such a relief and so satisfying to hear these reactions today. I have struggled for so long to put into words what this life with three kids feels like. It is chaos, yes. And messy, of course. I am winded and worn on most days. But I love it nonetheless. Many would say I thrive in the chaos, but I don’t know if that’s it, really. And now, I just can’t see my life in any other way, so it doesn’t really matter.
But these words from Cathy really hit that nail dead-on. My kids have become who they are partially from the parent that I have been to each of them, and partially because they were born with their distinctive personalities. Nature vs. Nuture, I guess you could say. But that sounds too scholarly or something.
I just like to say that the parenting is easiest with number three. And still, always, it will be most difficult with number one. This makes me sad for my oldest, that he is our little experiment. But it also brightens me, as maybe I’ll be most perceptive of who he is if I can only keep my eyes wide open and adjust my goals and expectations along the way.
And you are right…things evolve. This is a lovely way of putting it. The kids, their habits and problems, their fads and passions, and my own.
Jumping in up here instead of at the end because Lee is one of my favorite people. :)
Just wanted to say YES. EXACTLY. To you and Cathy, both. I have explained it that with my third, I don’t have the worries or anxieties or learning curve, and so it frees up all my energy to just love him. You know?
When #3 was teeny tiny, I commented to someone how easy he was and they were quick to point out that half of it (or more) was probably due to *my* confidence and comfort this time around. That honestly hadn’t occurred to me until he said it. But of course.
And sure, the firstborns have to deal with our steep learning curve, but they get benefits the others don’t. They are, afterall, the ones who made us Mamas. That’s a pretty special feat to claim.
Love your voice, Sarah. Always.
x0 elizabeth
You always make me feel calm, Elizabeth. You make me see things that I know I’ve seen, or know I know, but forget to express. You make me feel better about being the mom that I am.
I know it sounds gushy and probably over-the-top, and I post it here on the blog instead of over email because I don’t mind if anyone else reads this. I admire the voice that you have and the perspective that you carry about your life with your boys.
When I read your words it rings true for me as the words I forgot to add to my post. Er, something like that.
So thanks. For all of it. I think you freed up some of MY energy just now. Crazy, I know.
Hi there. My girlfriend emailed me a link to your blog today, and I honestly can’t stop crying. Thank you for this beautiful post. I am due to have my third boy any MINUTE and while I can’t wait to hold that little cherub in my arms, I am so scared and nervous about what the future holds. I feel so much better now. :)
Lisa, Welcome! Oh the life with three kids. It changes everything. And three boys? I know this life. It is full of love and joy and action. Lots and lots of action.
Anyone who reads this blog knows that Jen and I are nothing if not honest. And you, too, can be sure that what I wrote today is exactly how I feel. Having a third child does indeed tip the scales in a way that I have not ever been able to adequately express. But this comment from Cathy that I refer to, and my thoughts as written here today, come very, very close. Because while the third child shifts every dynamic that your family has known up till now, parenting him does indeed come so much more naturally.
I’m sure you will weather the arrival of your third with beauty, strength and grace. The future is bright, if messy from time to time, and you are expanding your family in the best of ways. His chubby little arms will carry you through, hold you up, and help you along.
Well wishes to you and your new baby boy. I hope the delivery is smooth and that you find the time to come back and read more on the trials and tribulations of mothering three kids. While it is not always the focus of our posts here, it is often enough that we attempt to put into words our daily thoughts on life with three.
Sarah, you hit the nail on the head. With my oldest, I am literally flying by the seat of my pants. I have no clue what to do, how to do it, and he doesn’t know what to do either.
With my second, and especially my third sons, things just fell into place. I couldn’t wait to get home from the hospital, to get on with it.
Your description of your sons sounds eerily familiar. Thank you for putting into words what my heart knew, but my brain needed words for.
This is how I feel with my two. My first was hard. So freaking hard. I thought I was the worst parent. I still have nights where I lie in bed, covered with guilt. With my second, though, I feel so much better. It is just easier.
A beautiful way to describe parenting, I think.
It’s great to see so many comments. And Sarah, I agree on the whole nature vs. nurture thing. My oldest so hard to parent because each event is new, but he is also who he is. He, from day 1, knew exactly what he wanted and “don’t you even…..”!! In thinking about this more, I think I’ve learned somewhat to pick my battles and keep my mouth shut until I really know what I want my answer to be. At least, I try to do it like that!
I can completely relate to those words, and I see my own children in your description of your own boys, with this exception: My first is very specific about his passions; baseball, baseball, school, music and baseball. *He is nearly 11, going, most days, on about 17* It is my middle who claims to not understand or identify his passions, although if he asked any onlooker, they would be able to spot them in a heartbeat: science, science, food, his brothers, and science. But my middle is, in typical ‘middle’ fashion, the peace keeper, the one who is willing to sacrifice for the common good, the most unbelieveably generous little spud you’ve ever met (when the mood strikes) and my comic. My youngest is really TOO young for any of these finer details to come through but he has carved out his place… my oldest will out run his brothers, my middle will out smart his brothers, and my youngest will outSCREAM his brothers. Each with their own space, their own path, amazing us every day.
The way you describe your 3 fits mine as well and when I think about it, it fits my siblings and myself, too. Guess that whole birth order thing might be onto something. HAHA!
However, I don’t necessarily feel like my parenting with my 3rd is more “natural” than with the other 2. His personality, and gender, is so different from #’s 1&2, that I still feel like I’m always searching for the right way to parent him – just as I am with his sisters.
what a perfect description of the having of three children. wow. that really hit me today. thank you for those words.
At long last, I must finally send a heartfelt “thank you” to both you and Jen. I welcomed my third boy six months ago and find myself still trying to find my new “normal” with three children four and under. It feels like I have three giant spotlights on me now – watching my every move and mood – I have to dance as fast as I can all. day. long on five choppy hours of sleep – entertain and engage mindfully with my “audience” – all while the noise and chaos jackhammers away at my mind and my desperate need for quiet introspection. I never knew it would feel like this. Honestly, your blog and thoughts are helping me through it.
This post is incredible – I’ve been walking around feeling like my third is my salvation because I am so much more relaxed with him and wish, oh how I wish, I knew what I know now when I had my first and second. I cringe at my perfectionist first and wild second – did my parenting make them that way? I’ll never know. I so love this new way of seeing them all and my parently generally. Your posts constantly help me to quiet all of the questions I have milling about my brain about myself as a mom and how to grow and nurture three happy little souls. Thank you. Thank you for giving me some peace and camaraderie along the way.
DebraAnn,
And at long last I am finally taking a moment to respond to this, the most amazing comment I think I have received to date. You have managed to described the life of mothering three perfectly. Well, at least my emotions revolving around three. I connect so well with your words that I am tempted to make another post out of a comment.
Thank you for reading and for your voice.
You can’t know how much it is appreciated.
Sarah