Required Reading >> There are few things you must know
Yesterday I was feeling lost. Oh so very, very lost. I could not figure out what to do with myself. And so, with coffee cup in hand, I started perusing my bookshelves for words of meaning and purpose. A favorite of mine sat perched near the edge on its side, left there for easy access. I ruffled through and read several passages of The Parent’s Tao Te Ching, but came back time and time again to one, in particular. So I decided to share it here on the blog.
Today I awoke at 4:30 am and, while again sipping coffee, read words of meaning and purpose in response to the passage I quoted yesterday. While I attempted to draft my own comment, I failed to find the clarity I was looking for. So instead of further muddling the meaning, I turned to the author himself. I found his email and quoted both the passage and the comment left by Kitch (TKW to most), which expressed some uneasiness with the viewpoint of the author and the message.
I am delighted to report that the author, William Martin, has responded…
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Hi Sarah,
I think I understand the quandary that I sense your reader feels. I feel it myself. On the one hand, we know that our children are mysterious and separate from us; that their inner world is their own and that their lives will unfold according to their own rhythms. On the other, we deeply desire to understand, to guide, to influence and to be a part of their lives. We love them, and we care deeply.
Truly living our own lives, we find that we do not really want to escape to an island (well, not all the time). We really want to taste, smell, see, hear, and touch all the marvelous melancholy of life as parents – the joy and sorrow, the gain and loss inherent in birth and death – and we want to experience all of this in its fullness. Bless our hearts, we are on a heroic quest – to live fully and to teach our children to live fully. We get told that we care too much and interfere; then we get told that we don’t care enough and are distant. My only desire is that we look upon ourselves and our children with clarity, compassion, and tenderness.
As your reader said, she is going to be there. That is what we are called to do – to be there. In my experience, I am better able to be there when I can distinguish between worrying and caring. The former tends to keep me a bit distant from my children, caught in my ideas of their life. The latter opens me up a bit more to what is actually going on for them and for me – allows me to engage them fully with a bit less fear and constriction in my heart.
Again – bless us all. We are wrapped up in the great Mystery of life and doing our very best to express our love and care.
Bill Martin
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This is my only response right now: wow. And yes. And wow again.
And you?
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Such a calmness came over me as I read this. Distinguishing between worrying and caring…I never realized just how much I struggled with this until I read that sentence. Thank you.
.-= ck´s last blog ..a journey’s end (part III) =-.
Just caught up with this and the last post. I think his words are wise words to live by.
I think the early years of parenting call for so much understanding and acceptance and celebration of the interconnectedness of our and our childrens lives. This giving and understanding and watching is literally what keeps them alive.
And then, at a certain point, there’s a need to understand, accept and celebrate the separateness, stepping back and allowing their own individuality to blossom. I have no idea how to do this and the letting go scares me and excites me all at once.
Thank you,
Rachel
.-= 6512 and growing´s last blog ..10 things about moi =-.
Rachel,
I adore how you put this: a need to celebrate the separateness. I know your focus with this was on the teen years (maybe?), and call me crazy if you will, but I have always celebrated the moments of separateness with my children. It is not to say that I have not cried or been saddened by their constant growth in stages, but the month I knew they’d finally managed to sleep through the night, or the time they didn’t want me to go into the bathroom with them while they pooped, or the fact that they’d prefer to get dressed by themselves? Those moments are cool for me. And yeah, I think they represent a little bit of separateness, eh? Even if it’s pretty plain and simple, I hope you get the point.
Our children our so completely ours and yet so completely themselves all at the same time–and right from day #1.
Clarity, compassion, tenderness (I think I see a bumper sticker in there somewhere, Sarah) … Seriously, though, these three words say so much and sound so simple. Yet, we all know how difficult it is to have and be all three all day. If nothing else, as he says, it’s something to strive for, a commitment to “our very best.”
.-= Stacia´s last blog ..Me Time =-.
A bumper sticker…yeah! :) I like your thinking, mamasita!
A commitment to our very best? Yes. All the while knowing, understanding and accept that our “best” may just shift from day to day. This I have much trouble with.
To distinguish between worrying and caring – I am embarrassed to admit that up until now, I thought they were the same. And he described it beautifully how distinctly different they are, and it makes me want to be able to do that for my little girl. As a born worrier, it will be a monumental task. But then again, when it comes to doing right by your child, what isn’t?
Thank you for this.
.-= JT´s last blog ..I’m it. =-.
There IS a difference between worrying and caring. I can easily think of parents I know that practice one or the other.
When I read the poem I didn’t have the same reaction as most. I understood it as nurture your children and let them become their own selves. We all must have faith in the way we raise our children. We have to trust what we’ve taught them. We have to let them be them.
.-= Erica@PinesLakeRedhead´s last blog ..Photo Challenge: Week 14 =-.
That worrying and caring are two different things…Whoa! I’d never thought of it like that. I’m not sure I completely buy it (because what is worrying but perhaps “caring too much”) but I love the idea. I need to sit with it for a while. It’s a powerful concept.
What an eloquent and wise response he wrote.
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..Hawaiian Vacation: Then and Now: Part I =-.
Wow, you made me go back and check out both the poem AND the comments, you tricky girl. Good stuff. I just took it as let them live their own lives, but I definitely see TKW’s point. And besides, I WANT to know my kids hopes and dreams, at least some of them. Geeze, who doesn’t!
The difference between caring and worrying. I think the Venn diagram of these two things would overlap soo much in the sense of parenting. If I worry about you, odds are 100% I care about you. If I care about you I’m not always worrying, but eventually it may happen…..
Great post!!
.-= Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog ..Where’s My Horse?? =-.
I am stuck on the fact that you e-mailed him and he answered. That is another blessing of modern technology!
Back to this and your last post. Distinguishing between worrying and caring is a hard line. Often I think I am caring when I worry about little things that I’ve done wrong. Yet, this is not caring. This is getting hung up on the little things. I think I am slowly learning to not allow myself to become easily caught up on my mistakes, but vow and actually DO better than the day before.
Of course, this is easier said than done.
Thank you for sharing the poem and his response.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Easter With The Family =-.
I’m not sure I have much to add beyond what several others have commented. Of course this struck as did yesterday’s post, the part about worrying and caring is significant. However, as mothers, I think both come naturally. It’s just in us to do both. I can see what he’s getting at by saying that worrying keeps us distant from our children’s lives, but I’m not entirely sure that I would say that’s a negative. Perhaps that’s because I think the one necessitates the others. I’m not sure, but I think as mothers we are meant to do both. We can’t always be present in our children’s lives, sometimes they need us to be distant and perhaps just the voice of reason. They might not like it, it might feel uncomfortable and preachy, but I believe sometimes that’s our job. In the end we have to allow our children to be individual of course, but who would we be if we didn’t worry and try to help them along? I suppose the difference between worrying and caring is very fine. I think I need to think about this more, but I certainly enjoy the opportunity to do so. Thanks for continuing this interesting discussion.
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..The perfect day =-.
Totally cool, Sarah! How amazing that the author answered our worried mother comments! And how amazing you are for going that extra step to contact him. Wow. I love that his answer is so peaceful and so full of equanimity.
Maybe Kristen wants to assign his book for our second book club? :)
.-= Linda´s last blog ..Graying at the Edges =-.
This really resonated with me. As someone who has a child with a neurological disorder, I worry so much … about everything. I think he’s right that I should care more and worry less. Worrying keeps me trapped in the “what if” hypotheticals while caring allows me to focus on the “right now” actualities.
Now, is there a guidebook somewhere? Because I’m gonna need it!
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Fun with puzzles =-.
I gotta second the “Wow. Yes. Wow.” How awesome that he wrote back.
And I really love this quote: My only desire is that we look upon ourselves and our children with clarity, compassion, and tenderness.
I just found your blog and am so excited to read through your archives!
.-= Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole´s last blog ..Boys vs. Girls. Case #212 =-.