Just a thought (and then I’m sure Jen will post something a little more put-together later on):
I sometimes wish there weren’t such an emphasis on being present. I feel an enormous amount of pressure to enjoy the moments with my kids. And so often I feel like it’s just impossible. Not because of me, but because of the management of life.
It is gorgeous outside right now. The sun is shining its late-afternoon glow. The boys are alternating between snacking and drinking and bouncing on the trampoline. They wander in and out of the house looking for me, needing me, searching out a particular sword or ball or mask. And as much as I want to be out there–with them–I have to be in here–with the food. And the dishes, the messes, the laundry and lists.
As much as I would love to pick up dinner on the way home each night to free up my time and my hands, it’s just not feasible. Nor healthy, for that matter. It’s just not the type of mom I want to be. The every-night-is-take-out mom. But by cooking for my boys, I am the mom who is forced to watch through the window as the dog jumps and barks at the bouncing boys. As the sun casts a long shadow over the yard. As the boys wander in and out of the back door. Looking for me. Or a snack. Or a particular sword, ball or mask.
It’s terrifically hard just to walk in the door at 4:45 pm after a day of work, after scooping up one kid from school, and two kids from the sitter. I have to unload three children, five bags, and a shred of sanity from the car…then march inside and feed mouths, check homework, clean doggy accidents, make dinner, do dishes… The list is long. And boring. And? Common. We all live it. It’s exhausting just to think about what’s on it.
But here I am. Thinking about the list. And being present. And how on earth we are supposed to do it all.
I snuck away from the kitchen, at least, to write this post. I guess I’m enjoying this moment, or am I? Should I have ignored the pan on the stove and wandered outside for a few moments instead? Or would I be half-outside like I am half-typing right now, waiting for the oven to preheat and checking the clock every few minutes, calculating the amount of time dinner will take, and clean up, and bath time, and…when will they close their eyes–and more importantly, their mouths–and give me some sweet, sweet silence?
My haphazard brain is telling me to go ahead and publish this piece unedited, because it may not ever get better than these words right here. And I may never have the time to craft the piece I need to–about being present and being a mother, all at the same time. I often feel like the two are exact opposites. And yet, I am striving to live the oxymoron. It’s the only way I know how to live right now. One foot in two worlds. Waffling.
Have to run, I can smell the pan smoking on the stove…and the boys choking each other from the backyard.
*********
Um, wow. I’m stealing another moment for this post between bathtime and bedtime and realizing that my thoughts are much longer on paper than they are in my mind. So maybe this was a full post after all. It’s still unedited, though, and it’s staying that way. Life is unedited, why shouldn’t I be from time to time?
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I was just skimming over my reading while also making my list that is, as you said,Long. Boring. Common. Thanks for sharing…glad to know I’m not alone. It is, indeed very hard to be present!
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..First Cloth Diaper: Holden’s Landing =-.
I love you. And love you and love you. Thanks for your honesty and your refusal to “bring the pretty” when that’s not what you’re looking at.
I feel that same pressure to be “present”–but shee-it, there’s a lot of stuff that my kids do that I do NOT want to be present for. The picture Miss D. carved into our wood-lined fireplace? The tantrum Miss M. threw because I asked her to use the toilet (her nemesis, alas)? The 3rd game of Candyland?
Sorry, Caterpillars, that stuff is neither fun nor interesting and adds not one bit of happy to my day.
I wish we could have some sort of filter that made us present for all the good moments, a filter that jettisoned all of the daily flotsam and jetsam that peppers our 24 hours.
And with that, I’m off. Because dinner needs to be made. xoxo
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..Hot Stuff: Camarones a la Diabla =-.
Sarah you just put into words my EVERYDAY. I couldn’t have described it better. I think I might read this post often just to feel connected to someone else who recognizes the struggle so completely. People always tell us things should wait in favour of time with our children, but some things just CAN’T, dinner, laundry, groceries etc. So when you have only a few short non-working hours in a day how is it all supposed to get done? Including finding those moments with the kids. Weekdays are lost in a sea of competing priorities.
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..The cliff =-.
“Weekdays are lost in a sea of competing priorities.”
yes. yes. yes.
Sarah and Christine, you both described my everyday. I try to start over at 5:00 (which, thanks to especially busy workdays lately, is actually more like 5:20) , think of it as my “day” at home. But four hours is not the same as 10. Especially not when it bridges dinner and bedtime.
I don’t have a fix, but commiseration does help. So glad to be reading both of you.
.-= Leslie´s last blog ..The first dandelion =-.
Being present isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I say that because I spend three days after the one day I spent in the present moment all day, just cleaning up the mess we’ve left from either being on the go (because we don’t have a yard for the kids to play in, I have to take them to a park or playground or elsewhere… which is ridiculously draining to do three times a day…) or being at home playing in a sink full of water instead of doing laundry and cleaning up after lunch and everything else.
All in moderation. I like to be very present after the kids go to bed :)
(we had a ridiculously not in the present day today, hence my rant…)
.-= Corinne´s last blog ..Unexpectedly healing drives =-.
Oh yes, Corinne. I like to be VERY present after the kids go to be. Thank you for this. Thank you thank you thank you. I need to know that other women feel this too, because so often I feel like I’m not jumping on a bandwagon I ought to. I’m tired of being instructed to live in the moment. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Nor, as you say, all it’s cracked up to be. :)
Not all of life is edited though is it? Some things might be slightly scripted, like say, your marriage vows, the argument that never really deviates from the original one. And the same goes for our days. There is no way to edit through temper tantrums, toileting accidents, scorched dinners and fussy, tired children who refuse to go to bed. Because in the editing, you would lose a simple hand holding moment, or a sweet gesture meant to offer relief.
And I think that none of us would want to edit and miss one of those precious nuggets to ease our minds. Even if the surrounding stuff and the endless lists seem to drown us on a daily basis…
.-= Maria´s last blog ..It’s over… =-.
See, I think your noticing what’s going on, both outside the window and inside your head, IS being present.
Maybe I have my definitions wrong.
.-= Lindsey´s last blog ..One phone call from our knees =-.
Lindsey,
Looking at it THIS way gives me some comfort, at least. But how could I NOT notice what’s going on with the children while I am trying to do something else? Something OTHER than constant mothering? I don’t know. I’m so at odds all the time. What exactly IS this living in the moment thing–when there is so much DOING that needs to be done? I guess I have to tell myself to remember that LIVING IN THE MOMENT does not necessarily equate to ENJOYING it, right? If I allow myself this, I think I will be much better off.
I’m just tired. Do you get tired? I’m just so tired. Tired of feeling like I’m failing at everything, succeeding at nothing.
Sigh.
I am with Lindsey. Different definition of it. So much to say on this, but not hear or now. Being present doesn’t mean playing with our kids every moment or being as excited about whatever it is they’re excited about. It’s about taking in your surroundings, acknowledging your senses and emotions, not transporting yourself (mentally) to a different place than where you are. Being present does not guarentee calm or peace. In fact, you can be present through some pretty uncomfortable feelings and experiences. It’s about not escaping or denying or zoning out from where you are and what you’re doing and what’s going on around you.
Ok, I”m going on more than I intended to. I’ll stop for now….
.-= Boy Crazy (@claritychaos)´s last blog ..from my notebook {coffee shop} =-.
Sarah,
I said this in some sort of remark on Kristen’s blog earlier – something about 6 years of no “me” time, and just having to tough it out. That was my situation, and to some extent, was – much longer. But it’s so much harder when they’re little.
I think the emphasis on being present is – forgive my directness – the latest pop “trend” and has gotten blown way out of proportion. Parenting little kids with little help is non-stop fatigue, worry, and feeling like there isn’t enough of you to go around. Are there wondrous moments? Of course. But pressure to do or be something else – like “present?”
Just one more thing we feel we fall short on, or guilty about. Don’t fall into that trap. Good days, bad days. Good hours, bad hours. Nonstop interruptions, our own expectations, and a whole lot of dirt, sweat, and life as it comes – without a neat bow or Hallmark moments.
And still loving your kids, and them – loving you.
.-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Listless =-.
Whenever I have one of these moments with my kids I often wonder whether I’m doing better by continuing my work or by going outside with them. I think by finishing whatever task I have to do no matter how much I want to be with them teaches them to prioritize. I’ll let you know in about 10 years whether or not it worked!
I just hope I’m teaching them to be determined and focused.
.-= Kendra´s last blog ..Poor Decisions Plague Great Dramas =-.
this is so hard to balance, isn’t it? my kids are so little that i want to hold on to every minute with them. why? because never again will they give and show their love so freely. this is the only time i am going to be able to hold them on my lap and smell their smells and pick dirt and chunks of food from their hair.
my oldest is going to kindergarten in september (it’s ok, just stick your head between your knees and breathe slowly..breathe..) – that is the line in the sand; once that line is crossed, mom and dad are not the largest part of their lives. school and friends and learning and a million other things come in to play. it’s a tough adjustment to let go of the little kid and let him become a school kid. i’m still adjusting to him growing out of the baby stage, and now he’s going to school?
on the other hand.. i agree with tkw, there are certain things i am happy to not be present for. the giant messes they create are top of the list.
.-= Stone Fox´s last blog ..Kids =-.
Your schedule sounds like mine everyday, except I only have one kid, and even that can get exhausting, so I can only imagine what you’re going through.
I feel guilty that the evening hours after work is the only time I have with her and yet that’s the time I need to get dinner ready, and get her ready for bed (bath/books/etc.) so everything has become routine, even automatic. I long for spontaneous moments where we can just run to the park or hang out discovering a new toy together without having to watch the clock to make sure we get everything done within those two hours: eat/time for quick bonding, if possible/if not, it’s bathtime/read a book/sing a lullaby or two/tuck her in bed/Kiss good night. And I don’t see her again until about 22 hours later.
I want to be present, but I’m not quite sure how myself, so thank you for your honesty. It helps me knowing that there are others who struggle as I do, especially during this witching hour.
.-= Justine´s last blog ..The day I lost my train of thought. =-.
And this would be why I find myself catching up on my blogs in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping (and being very, very present in my dreams). Oxymoron, yes! (Or maybe, for me, just the moron part.) =>
.-= Stacia´s last blog ..Facing the Music =-.
Sarah –
My boys are a bit older so I can honestly say “been there, done that.” Things do get easier as they get older and they can help with the evening chores: feeding the dog, setting the table, putting the laundry in the dryer, etc.
As for living in the present, you are doing it by watching the boys through the window, making them a healthy meal, recording and sharing the moment on your blog. Trust me, they will appreciate this in the years to come.
.-= Erica@PinesLakeRedhead´s last blog ..Registration =-.
I love the idea of being unedited sometimes. I edit myself excessively, both in my posts and sometimes, unfortunately, in life. I’m working on that. As far as the one foot in two worlds? I am CONSTANTLY multi-tasking. I even find stuff to do at red lights (usually tweeze my eyebrows). I am constantly feeling torn between the must-dos and the wanna-dos and the should-dos. Often, it’s very hard to even distinguish between them sometimes.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Sorting it all out (but perhaps still not making sense) =-.
Maybe when we are truly living in the moment, we aren’t thinking about it so much and wondering if we are really enjoying it or not…we are just soaking up the moment subconsciously, without an internal photographer or writer in site. (Easier said than done for me–turn off my freaking brain, please! And put down the damn camera.)
I think BigLittleWolf makes a great point, though. The idea of being present and giving yourself fully to your kids is one of those ideas that sound great in moderation, but is easy to take overboard. I’m trying to embrace even the chaos of my life lately…just take it all in, instead of trying to fight myself and the constant tedium of motherhood and life. (Again, not always easy but it’s a goal!)
Another thought: our “being present” moments may not be the same “present” moments that our kids will cherish. They just might grow up with vague, warm memories of Mom cooking in the kitchen while they jumped on the tramp…and they will feel your love and presence.
.-= Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole´s last blog ..The littlest monsters =-.
I read so much about being present and I realize I don’t even really know what it means. All in all, I think I should try not to think about it quite so much – because the more present I try to be, the more absent I usually am.
My new goal is not to try to be anything or anyone else other than who I am. Sometimes I’m here, sometimes I’m there. And I’m doing the best that I can.
.-= Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..Parenting Books Really Aren’t That Bad After All =-.
Sarah, you must have read my mind.
The other night I had a conversation with my husband (via google chat) about this whole parenting gig. While I would love to have a few more children, I often wonder whether I am cut out for this! For pete’s sake, I am drowning under the enormous amount of pressure I already feel. Cooking, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, diapers, messes, and everything else add together to make the daytime cluttered and unorganized.
Frankly, during the day I am doing my best to not lose it! With a husband that is gone most of the day (and the night) I am responsible for doing all the chores. It is not pleasant and is stinking hard. (My husband is tired of it too.) So, being present? Not gonna happen. I think that I will go for surviving.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Here, There, and Everywhere =-.
Thank you for this Sarah because just this week I honestly started thinking, “Fuck being present”. I was getting upset about not taking enough pictures, not video taping enough of the craziness i know I’ll want to remember and I started freaking out that I wasn’t documenting enough and that it would all be gone and forgotten. But it’s impossible to be documenting it, appreciating it, living it, noticing it, enjoying it, AND LIVING all at once. Sooooo…. I decided to just Live. And some days I’ll live IN it all, some days NEAR it all and other days, well, they’ll just pass and I can hope that at least SOMEONE was present for it. It just can’t be me all the time.
Thank you Thank you. You wrote this better than I was even thinking it. xo
.-= becca´s last blog ..I found my Happy =-.
I have only ever heard one being described as being present all the time. That omnipresent being was not human but God.
We are only human. There are only so many hours in a day. There are only so many places we can go at one time – usually just one but I have seen a few “super moms” make it to two places at one time. We need to measure our lives by our yardsticks, not by a professional’s or by someone else’s.
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..Sex and the City 2 =-.
Life unedited and imperfect is Life constant and honest.
.-= Natalie´s last blog ..bad-mouthed review: books =-.
This is so timely. Just yesterday I cried because I can’t remember what Javi’s toddler voice sounded like. No video, no recordings, no sound memory. Was I not listening? Was I not present?
I don’t know how to be present all the time. I do know that I took another video of my now-big kid because, dammit, I’ll have audio of THAT voice — and that has to be enough.
Oh, this one is so hard. Just being too tired for anything at all. Too tired to be present with any of it. I’m so over being tired.
.-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..9 years 11 months =-.
The best thing anyone ever said to me when I was pregnant with my daughter was: “20 years from now you won’t care about the fact that your house was a mess or dinner was late.”
And judging by the state of my house, I’m taking that to heart ;-)
In all seriousness though, I think ‘being present’ is just the new buzz word for our parenting generation. Honestly, my mom was busy with cleaning and cooking dinner, and I would never have called her an unattentive parent. Do your kids know they’re loved? Than that’s half the battle right there.
If you do want to free up more time, what about meal ideas that won’t leave you stuck at the stove? A crockpot so dinner is ready when you get home? Or cooking a weeks worth of dinner on Sunday and freezing them, so you can just heat them up?
.-= PrincessJenn´s last blog ..In A Good Place =-.
Yup, “present” = buzz word, for sure! To be absolutely honest, it has driven me up a wall for the last few months. Every blog I visit, every book cover I glance, every morning talk show is talking about being present. Talking about it so much, in fact, that it seems to have cheapened the very idea.
This unedited post of mine probably would never have gone up if I had taken the time to craft the moment or the thought to my liking. But up it went. And I with it. Realizing, by way of a few of my commenters, that I am one very present woman/mama. And that being present does not in any way have to equate to enjoying the moments.
I know my mama would say the same exact thing, and I hope that my boys will never feel a lack of presence on my part. And oh how I hear you on the crockpot meals. They save me from time to time…that is, when I can make the time to get them in that darn pot!
Thank you for being so honest. I feel this way everyday. All of the doing and planning, packing and unpacking, ugh. I make pretty decent meals and they end up on the floor. And I think what was the point?! But then there’s the night they gobble up all the good for thems, they tell me all the time that they love me and their dad, and I know they appreciate all we give. Hang in there and know there’s lots us hanging with you.