I have noticed lately that it’s not unusual for people to be living in their pasts. Thinking back to their glory days of high school. Or the independence of college. Their single days. The days when they had money (read: before children). There is a lot of this going on. And I’ve just (finally?) put it all together.
I think it took me a while to realize this because, well, I don’t really have high school glory days. College was wonderful but not something I feel I need to revisit. I never really wanted to be single, so when I found true love I held on tight. And money? Never had much anyway.
But, there’s something else. This life? The one I’m living now? It’s the one I’ve always wanted. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. Go ahead. Ask anyone. That’s one of the few things I knew I wanted without ever questioning myself even once. And look at me? Hey. I’m a mother. Three times!
Sure, there are a few people and parts of my pre-family life that I’m still a little bit curious about. There are a few what-if questions. (What if I’d gotten my MFA before I started barfing to my core with pregnancy #1, for instance.) But, for the most part, and on most days, I can honestly look at my life and feel that I’m in a good place. My kids are happy. I love my Sweetie. There’s nothing I like more than spending time in my home.
That’s not to say that looking back on, remembering, even visiting the past isn’t a good idea. I read Heather’s piece just after I’d written this far, and didn’t know where to take this. Her memories of meeting her husband for the first time reminded me that while I don’t want to live in the past, I want to remember––even treasure––the good decisions I made that led me to this good place.
Because I know I’m fortunate to be here. I know that so many people live in the past because they might feel they missed an opportunity. Took a wrong turn. Made a decision that they now regret. Question the big events in their lives and dwell on the what-ifs. Sure, I have my days where I feel down, even sorry for myself. Things could always be easier. But when it comes right down to it, I’m happy. And even on my worst days I don’t question that.
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With Five for Ten coming up (duh), I’ve decided to gear up by taking a break. Does that make sense? See, the thing is, I really want to write my Five for Ten posts PRIOR to Five for Ten, so I can give all of you my undivided attention. (Well, actually, that’s quite impossible, given these three kids of mine. But I’m really trying to set myself up as best as possible.) So, for the next week or so I’ve decided to repost some oldies. But I’ll be back in real time starting May 10. In the meantime, if you need to catch up on Five for Ten, here are the links!
- The post that started it all
- Five for Ten–Round I: Some kick-ass conversation!
- Five for Ten Again–Round II: Are you on board?
- Five for Ten Again – Rules and Regulations – HOW TO PLAY ALONG!
Come on, join us!
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As usual… beautifully said Jen. I definitely don’t live in my past… I wouldn’t want to go BACK for anything. I actually tend to live to much in my future. Worrying about what’s to COME. I’m super happy with where I am, I wish I could just relax and enjoy it more.
You deserve to be happy… you have so many wonderful people with you in your life!
.-= becca´s last blog ..My partnership =-.
I think its great that you are one of the “few” that are truly happy with how your life ended up. Im just not one of those ppl. Even though i have an a amazing family. I also have a disease that will limit my life span. So I do alot of the looking back on the what ifs.
I just dont know how to get out of that funk.
While I am not one for living in the past, I do find that being able to journey to the past (good days) can provide a respite from a present that may be challenging. And I believe that mulling on the past is a bit different from spending time with “what if.”
Some of us revisit the past because we are seeking to mine it for information, for answers we somehow missed, and that we assume will be helpful moving forward.
Somewhere, as with so much, there is a place of moderation – past, present, future. I believe we spend time in each as we need to, even if we don’t always understand the reasons for doing so.
BLW, I love what you said here, esp: “Some of us revisit the past because we are seeking to mine it for information, for answers we somehow missed, and that we assume will be helpful moving forward.”
That’s exactly what I’m doing. It isn’t so much for the glory days because frankly, these ARE the days.
.-= Justine´s last blog ..Clean slate meets open book =-.
I’m pretty much the same as you. I enjoyed my past – hard days, great days – but I prefer not to dwell on it. Since having a baby, I’ve been going back to it more, not so much to relive, but to preserve for the sake of my daughter. Other than that, it’s the future I look forward to and the present I absolutely cherish.
.-= Justine´s last blog ..Clean slate meets open book =-.
I think I’m with Becca: I find myself wondering about the future more than ruminating on the past. But I often find that a future focus can sometimes prevent me from reveling in the present that’s in front of me.
So I admire your ability, Jen, to stop and say: “Hey, this here? This is exactly what I’ve always wanted.” Because that’s true of me too and I need to remind myself of that more often. Thanks to you for the wake-up call today.
.-= Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..Happy, Happy Birthday, Baby =-.
I catch myself there, in the past sometimes and I’m slowing learning to shake it off. It’s tempting to want something of the independence and freedom because for me, it was not empty. But it was not better. It’s good to remember that, remember that the grass is not greener. I cannot imagine life without these little short people I call mine and I’m so thankful for those days when I met that funny guy who became their daddy.
.-= Heather of the EO´s last blog ..One room at a time, a new series of the EO, books, CBC ’10, Listen To Your Mother, and Moving House =-.
I always wanted to be a mother too. Right now I am living in a different place then I have ever experienced–I have everything I could ever hope for! Like you, I don’t live in the past, my past was something I wanted to escape. Escape I did.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Please Keep Me and the Baby Safe =-.
I see trees, rarely forests, so the present is the trail my mind hikes when given the choice. I could absolutely do a better job of enjoying the view, though. Thanks for this reminder!
.-= Stacia´s last blog ..A Mother’s Intuition =-.
This post has struck me.. because I have been living in my past quite a bit lately. I don’t think I have crossed the line between thinking and insanity, but we are in the process of trying to move – back home to CT – and that can send one’s head into a spin of remembering.
The childhood I had is one I want for my own children – and it is something unattainable here in Arizona. Maybe it is nostalgia driving this move, maybe it is grounded in reality – who the heck knows.. but I’ve enjoyed remembering my childhood and then thinking about and planning for my future.. making a full circle, completing ‘the gestalt’ and going home.
Hopefully…
.-= Samantha´s last blog ..I just don’t get it… =-.
I feel similar to you… my high school and college days were fine but the life I have today is AMAZING. I am IN LOVE. I am a mom (which I always wanted to be as well — I wasn’t so sure about the marriage part but I ALWAYS knew I’d be a mom. Funny because motherhood is so much more challenging for me than wife-hood… anyway)
But I definitely get caught up in the future (as has been said), and waste a LOT of time worrying and PLANNING.
.-= Alex´s last blog ..On Our Next Date He Asks How I Want To Die. We’ve Been Together Ever Since. =-.
There is something about looking behind you, at what you have accomplished, of what you have overcome, of what was good and what wasn’t and saying, Here I am. It was good/bad/interesting/impressive and now I AM HERE!
The past always has this haze that might make it look better than it actually was. I am FINE with where I am, because, like you, I always wanted to be a mom. And a mom, I am. And I am happier on my worst day today than I ever was on my best day back then.
Glad to know I let the past fuel me to keeping going forward, for reality checks, and for counting my blessings.
Great post and totally psyched for 5 for 10!
.-= Maria´s last blog ..(My version of) TGIF, Happy Hour! =-.
I know what you mean. There are people who want to live completely in the past, but that makes it very hard to enjoy the present. There is joy in reminiscing, but danger if you stay in the past at the sacrifice of the now.
.-= Charlotte´s last blog ..Broken piano results from too high a love of cacophony =-.
I sometimes reminisce about the past — especially when out with old roommates or hearing reports of what someone else has done with her/his life. But for all the fun we had (and we had a lot of fun), I realized soon after my life changed (aka, I adopted my son) that life was danger in waiting. Who knows where I’d've ended up. Whenever people praise me for “saving” Javi’s life, I correct them that he likely saved mine.
Now, my mother? Mired in the past. Completely and totally mired.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..My Do-Over =-.