There are few things you must know
to become a wise parent.
You must know that you are going to die,
for then you will be able to truly live.
You must know when you have enough,
for then you will be content.
You must know how to laugh,
for then you will find healing.
There are many things you need not know.
You need not know everything your children think or do.
You need not know their secret dreams and hopes.
You need not know how life will unfold for them,
or for yourself.
**
Live your own life,
with all your heart,
with all your mind,
and with all your soul.
There is no need to live theirs.
They will do that wonderfully
by themselves.
–from The Parent’s Tao Te Ching by William Martin
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So easy to read, so hard to live by. Thanks for this today.
.-= Stacia´s last blog ..Spring Chicks =-.
I was thinking the exact same thing. Especially about their secret dreams and hopes…
.-= ck´s last blog ..a journey’s end (part III) =-.
But wait?! I need to ask William Martin a question!
How can I live my own life, with my own mind, with my own heart, with my own soul, when my children are still so small that anything bad that happens to them will be blamed on me? When they are still so small that they aren’t fully-developed souls, and that job falls on me?
Do I just live my life, the way I want to (in Aruba, drinking it up, writing without interruption), and expect for them to organically grow up okay? Children aren’t wolves, Willy Boy…although I wish they were so there’d be a pack to raise them, instead of just me and sometimes my husband.
There is sacrifice. There is hard. There are years where you cannot count or be the way you want to or need to.
Maybe William trusts his kids to flourish without worry, without anxious watching. I understand his point. I do. But I cannot live by it. I will not squash their dreams, will try not to hover too close. But I am there. Watching.
Because what they think and do? I want to know that. And I don’t think it’s wrong. A child who has parents who don’t care what they think and do….?
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..Hawaiian Vacation: Then and Now: Part I =-.
Jeesh, Kitch spends a week in Hawaii and she comes back full of big questions and deep thoughts. :)
But I think she makes a good point: isn’t there a way to help pave the road for them without helicoptering in too quickly?
.-= Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..School’s Out =-.
There are years when you cannot count on or be the way you want to or need to be. – God that is so true. I’m feeling it intensely right now.
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..The perfect day =-.
This is intense, and so, so hard to live by isn’t it. I have trouble not controlling everything in my life. That, unfortunately translates to my children. “There is no need to live there’s”. In my head I know this, in my heart I hate it.
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..The perfect day =-.
I can’t even respond after reading TKW’s comment. Too much to think about now – my head is spinning!
.-= Jane´s last blog ..Out Of Touch Mom Gets Lesson In Pop Teen Culture =-.
Typical man, not understanding the heart of children. One of the most important things I do as a mother is knowing the thoughts and dreams of my kids, also their crazy misconceptions and misinterpretations of the world. So, though I think this reads well on paper, it’s not my credo.
.-= Linda´s last blog ..Graying at the Edges =-.
Maybe I’m just too tired to read into things but I enjoyed the poem and simply read it as such:
You don’t need to do everything for your children
Or know everything about them in order to love and teach them;
Live your own life to the fullest;
If you live, love and laugh well
They will see that, and they will do it too.
Or am I way off the mark?
Either way, I agree with Stacia; it is easier read than done.
.-= Justine´s last blog ..I’m it. =-.
Jet-lagged and up with a sick kid…Justine makes a great point about the use of the word “everything” in the poem. It’s true–everyone deserves a corner of themselves to keep private. And yet, I think, with young kids, I’d rather keep them close–because what if that private corner is something a child isn’t capable of handling on their own? Maybe that private corner comes with age? And the knowledge that if your private corner becomes cumbersome, you have somewhere to go?
I was molested as a kid. Kept it to myself for years. What would old Wills say to that? I don’t want my daughters to keep quiet. But I am also afraid that I err on the side of over-parenting.
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..Hawaiian Vacation: Then and Now: Part I =-.
Wow Ladies. I didn’t think there would be such controversy over these words.
I think that the emphasis is being pulled from the heart of the message and placed here:
“You need not know everything your children think or do.
You need not know their secret dreams and hopes.”
So let me give my two cents. “Everything” is a big term. It means a LOT. EVERY THING. The author is not telling us he doesn’t want us to protect our children, to keep them safe, to know what they are thinking and how they are feeling and even, what their goals and hopes are. My interpretation is that we just don’t need to know it ALL. That our children–even at 2 and 3 and 10–need a piece of this Earth that is theirs. They need to find their way in it. How can they become who they are truly meant to become if we are always thinking and doing for them? Must they not learn how to work through conflict on their own? Deal with the world without us when they are at school? Manage to brush their teeth in the morning because they know it’s the right thing to do, and thus we are able to trust that they have done so? “Everything” encompasses a LOT. I encourage you not to think about the big things here, but about the small. I don’t have room in my brain for every itty bitty thing my kids do or think. I will always keep tabs on my children and I will always make room for the big things, however. And I will enjoy as many of those little things as I can, as I have time for, and room for. But the exact details of the chapter book you read last night? I don’t have time to sit and listen and smile while I’m hopping in and out of the shower and dressing the toddlers. I’m sorry. But it’s true. And that book? It’s helping you to become somebody, so I don’t exactly NEED to know, either. It’s your thing.
(Okay, this is already much longer than I intended. So if you are still reading, thanks.)
Second line about hopes and dreams? Don’t forget the word “secret.” That word puts a spin on things, doesn’t it? Maybe just a little bit? Are there things that you hope for that you don’t really share with anyone else? Dreams that you have that are either SO big or SO ordinary that you don’t give them much airtime? Or what about dreams and hopes that you feel might vanish if you speak their words? I think that even children need to hold onto something. And dreams of becoming a rock star or hopes of becoming a doctor are not quite the same as that “something.” Yes, we want to know our kids’ thoughts and hopes and dreams. We want to help them to pursue them. To become the best that they can be. But what about that quietness that is within us? That place where things seem more true, but we can’t exactly put it into words. I think kids have that, too. I think there is a way to look at secrecy that makes it okay. Secrets to ourselves, even? I don’t know. But I don’t see it as bad. There is hope and light and love in this message for me.
Now, I am far from an over-protective mama. In fact, I’m sure my boys could, at times, benefit from a more watchful parent. Regardless, this message does not tell me that you are supposed to watch or not watch your kids. Protect or not protect your kids. To me, this is a message to help us remember that our children are their own special beings who will, one day, be in our same shoes. Their lives will move and bend and shift in ways that we can not control and can not change. We must parent them in all the ways we know how but by also living our own lives the best we know how. With all of our heart, and mind, and soul. After all, we are the example, aren’t we? We are the first stepping stone on a path that will become their long and happy lives. We are their everything already. It is a cherished and blessed role to play. I, for one, am thankful for it. But I will not take it for granted. I will not suck freedom and independence from my children. I will teach them as best I can with the tools that I have, but I will always know that they are their own little beings. Who can forget, really? They are, at times, so different from me. They speak so loud and so clear about what they like and don’t like. They are fierce in their determination.
I will end it there. And we will move on.
And I will say again that I was so surprised to see the “arguments” here. But I like it, ladies. I like the thoughts, the discussion, the dissecting and such. It is a part of me that I miss a lot of the time–a mind that goes deeper and makes sense of things (for me).
Thank you.
Sarah
I have to tell you that a point in time will come – those of you with little ones – when you will NOT want to know everything your child thinks.
I was so drawn to this and thought it was wonderful. Then, in my not totally caffeinated mind yet this morning, I read the comments and thought….now I am just in limbo.
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..Can Anyone Say Chauffeur? =-.
Wise words. And I’m leaning toward Nicki’s perspective here. The older they get, the more space they need, and the less they tell us anyway. Still, in the teenage years we need some good detective skills – from a distance.
:)
.-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Mini-skirt. Hard news? =-.
“You must know how to laugh, for then you will find healing.” So true for all of us, parents or not.
.-= Eva´s last blog ..The (Questionable) Value of Facts and Figures =-.
Wow. When I read this, I totally just thought: YES! YES!
“Live your own life,
with all your heart,
with all your mind,
and with all your soul.”
Because I see so many of my mom friends who don’t. They have their children, and then they stop living their own lives. You all know…this is my Big Thing. But I do think, I can live my own life, let them live their own, and still be a great parent. There can be protection within the separation.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Hyperconnected: Somedays I just want to be unplugged =-.
in-cred-i-ble!
Nell