Today, you can

Yesterday was hard. Hard hard hard. The kind of hard that is actually pretty simple, but you feel tested every second of the day anyway. Like someone is asking you if you can handle it. The mundane. Another nap time. Another meal time. Another cross-your-fingers-that-the-tv-works time.

Ethan woke up at 1 am on Tuesday night — or is it Wednesday morning? — and never
went back
to sleep.

So every little bitty thing about the day was hard
just hard
the exhaustion was real
my heart was lost
left in the bed where my sleep was robbed of me
I did just enough to get by
resentful of a child’s need to scream and cry for hours on end
in the dark of the night
and guilty for being so resentful
he’s just a child
and I, his mother

It is my job
to console
to detect
to conclude what is wrong
to deduce, to diagnose
but I couldn’t
didn’t care
just wanted him to sleep
sleep child, sleep
but he wouldn’t
and in my mind I wept
fruitless
waste of energy
I got angry
fruitless
waste of energy
I fought back
and won 20 minutes of slumber
but that was all
that was all

So yesterday I was tired
too tired to do anything but watch the clock
and stand in a fog
“can it really only be 12:00?”
“can it really only be 1?”

The day passed
as a day always does
I survived
and my children
they survived me
awash with fatigue
and resentment
and guilt

But today is new
fresh
not exciting
just another day
not unlike yesterday
but new

And new means how I look at it
perspective
it shifts so rapidly that I almost cannot keep up
and yet it is me who is shifting
so rapidly that I almost cannot keep up

Today must be filled with “you can”
because I can
Today, I can
And so can you, dear reader
so can you

Today will be a better day.
I will be a stronger I.
My children will be the same children.
But as soon as I am a stronger I, they change.
For me, in my eyes, they change.

Today is about you can.
Methinks we all need this from time to time.

You can be the woman you want to be.
You can be strong. And soft. All at once.
You can be vulnerable.
You can cry.

You can find the time to remember who you are.
You can enjoy the smallest of moments without having to remind yourself you are doing it.
You can feel helpless and hopeless at times.
You can feel guilt. And
You can let the guilt wash away as quickly as it came pouring in.

You can write, sing, paint, dance, fly.
You can feel sexy and be courageous.
You can find hope wherever you must. In a magazine. In a sunset.

You can live forever in your mind.
You can carry hope forever in your heart.
You can read the words of another and know you are not alone.
And sometimes, most times, that can be enough to walk away and say
I can.

I can be the woman I need to be in the moments I need to be her.
I can live the life I need to live
and balance it by living the life I want to live.
I can be free
if my mind is in the right place
if my heart is hopeful
if my world is open.

I can find joy and happiness in just about anything.
And so can you.
Today, we can.

Tagged as: thoughts

Read More in Sarah Writes, three kids