Jen writes
May 2, 2010
Sleepless: Revisited
As we’re gearing up for Five for Ten, I’ve decided to repost some oldies this week. Need a refresher on Five for Ten? Just go hang out in the sidebar over there. You can find the rules and our topics and even link up! I’ll see you back here on the 10th!
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How many nights can I go without real sleep?
(originally posted on April 12, 2009)
J is upstairs putting the big kids to bed. Em is lying on the couch beside me, playing. I am as tired as I ever have been. Too tired to be writing this post with any hope of making a point. The past four or five nights (I have lost track) have been very long and not very full of sleep. As a result, I have slowed down. Internally. It is as if I can feel my heart beating slower. As if my blood is thicker. And my brain. My brain is just barely functioning at all. It is, in fact, on auto pilot. Doing just enough to get by. And I’m not the only one. This morning J looked for his coffee mug in the refrigerator instead of the dishwasher. Yesterday he came a handful of Barbasol away from applying shaving cream to his hair. Does this level of fatigue have a clinical term, I wonder? Is it like being a doctor on call for 72 hours straight? Or a soldier on the front lines? Does it matter?
The fact is, I have been sleep deprived since B was born, five years ago next week. Some years, months, weeks have been worse than others. But I haven’t had more than a handful of solid nights of sleep since his birth. And though I openly admit that I have a tendency to exaggerate, this is no exaggeration. Here’s the rest of that fact: There’s no immediate end in sight. Parenthood is, as they say, 24/7. When B is up coughing, one of us has be up with him. When the baby can’t breathe out of her nose to nurse, I have to wake up enough not just to pull her over to me in bed but to suck out the goo in her nose. When S has a bad dream or falls out of bed, she wants her daddy to “come suggle with me.” And these moments, though exhausting, come at a time of night when will isn’t a factor. As parents, we do what we need to. Especially at night. There’s no time or energy or daylight to consider an alternative. And, there’s the FEAR that one awake child will wake another one (or, now, two). There is an urgency to nighttime parenting that is unlike any scenario in daytime, no matter how late we are to preschool or the pediatrician’s. No matter if someone is napping and the other two are playing emergency vehicles. (Daytime sleep is a luxury, even for the baby.) At night, instincts take over without any help from intellect. Just the way sleep should be. Just the way sleeping used to be. Auto pilot.
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Jen Writes, repost, sleep, three kids
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I feel your pain, though I have to say, I think I’m luckier (so far). My daughter is almost six-months, and her sleep isn’t amazing, but we have gotten some solid nights’ sleep, and if not a whole night, at least a large chunk of hours. Lately, my husband wakes at 5 to give her a bottle, and I think 5 seems like a reasonable hour to me. (When she wakes at 3, not reasonable.) But those first weeks, months, of not knowing when she’d wake up drove me crazy. Knowing I wouldn’t get a break after a long day made me angry and sad. Sleep-deprivation is no good for us. Why are kids made this way? Don’t they realize how lucky they are, that they can pretty much sleep as long as they want and no one will bother them?
.-= Jana@Attitude Adjustment´s last blog ..The Battle of the Carseat =-.
Why ARE kids made this way? There must be a reason. We are through the worst of the sleepless nights. But the most ridiculous thing is that now that all three can be counted on to make it through most nights, I still don’t sleep as soundly as I did before kids. And often I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep. I’ve finally “taught” them how to sleep, and now I have to relearn!
“It is as if I can feel my heart beating slower. As if my blood is thicker. And my brain.”
I completely, completely relate to that feeling, and you put it very well…especially for someone who was sleep-deprived at the time :p
.-= Jenn M´s last blog ..Dear 22 Month Old, =-.
going on about 5 years sleepless myself. one isn’t so bad, and last night especially sucked.
the blood is thicker and the coffee is flowing this morning.
We are gearing up for this at our house again. I’m not sure how I’ll make it, so I’m trying not to think too much about it. There’s no other word for being so tired you can’t think straight, literally, than miserable. That will require chocolate, and lots of it.
.-= Stacia´s last blog ..Haiku Friday =-.
Stacia, In my experience, the third was the easiest (if that’s a useful word). There is so much necessity that comes into play when parenting the third baby. My third is my best sleeper, by FAR. Phew. I’m hoping for the same for you!
I sometimes suffer from insomnia, but I am so lucky that my kids aren’t a factor. They have been excellent sleepers for most of their lives. Please don’t hate me — especially since some nights I lay in bed with my thoughts racing and my nerves going crazy because I know morning is rushing at me and I am raw with exhaustion yet unable to sleep.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..My Do-Over =-.