When CK said Hey, you guys want a day to catch up on Five for Ten stuff? I said, Hell, Yeah. And not only because I need a day off, but because Bad Mommy Moments is badass. Equal parts snark and sentiment, CK spins a tale like nobody’s business. Today she’s here to make you laugh. And me laugh…because I’m not sure if I am done. But after I read this, I concluded I was downright crazy for not getting on board with the Top Ten. Without further ado…
The Top Ten Reasons I’m Done (so stop asking)
I don’t know if it’s because I only have two kids, or because they’re both girls, or because I look like I might want to shoot myself, but people like to ask me if I’m “done.” And then instead of believing my “YES (!!!),” they cluck something of the, “oh, you never know…” variety. Well, you know what, folks? I DO KNOW. And you know something else?
10 – If my 5’2” frame gives birth to one more nine-pounder, my nether-regions are gonna start singing “Love is a Battlefield.” And as for the rest of my sad, sad, female remains?
My bra size went from B to D to A with my first daughter, A to C to A- with my second daughter and…you don’t need to remember fractions to see where I’m going with this.
9 – They don’t refund faulty vasectomies.
8 – I tune out as soon as I sense the electric current of THIS in the air. 
My ears clog, my brain shuts down and I get home because my feet and hands still (somehow) remember where I live. If one more child were to open her mouth and give me sh*t, I might go completely deaf and drive off to, like, Ohio, or something.
7 – I will be at the total mercy of the babysitter, IF I can get one. I mean, I’m already paying $15 an hour for two kids. At this point I can’t even afford to get into my car once I leave the house.
6 – One more year of sitting through only 8 episodes of Olivia and someone at Nick will die and that hog will be spit-roasted in her striped shirt.
5 – I might start peeing on the kitchen floor for all the privacy I’ll get in the bathroom. At least that way there won’t be a door to bang on. (The same door I’m already forgetting to close when we have company over. Sorry, guys.)
4 – I’m running out of places big enough to hide from just two of them.
3 – That warm, fuzzy, lusty feeling women express towards the idea of new baby smell and tiny everything and decorating another nursery? I feel that way about decorating my new office. The one that used to be the nursery.
2 – If I have any more naked baby photos on my laptop I’m gonna get busted for running a porn ring.
1 – I may not have gotten to hold her, or kiss her, or be driven mad by her, but I do have a third daughter. I AM a mother of three. And one day I’ll get to swing by the best daycare in heaven to pick up my baby before going home.
**********
©2010 CEK. All Rights Reserved. “LOST” photo ©2008 Christine Zona. (czona.com) All Rights Reserved.
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I was smiling broadly until I got to #1 and then I got a little sniffly. Love you, ck.
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..Five for Ten: Lust =-.
Wow — you’ve got it all said right here, and your final revelation packs a whomp. Beautiful combination of the beauty and pain and humor and drudgery and transcendence of your life.
.-= Launa´s last blog ..Bonsoir =-.
OMG, this was such a funny post. Love the introduction and number 10 and 2. # 1 is a sweet way to acknowledge your precious little girl. So sorry to hear that.
.-= Melodramommy´s last blog ..My Mommy Resume =-.
You almost had me…almost. But no…I still feel the need for number 3. Though my husband would probably hug you for trying!
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..Seven Years Old =-.
Well, I did my best. :)
When you’re done you’re done. Why do people keep asking for more babies?
I love the maple tree that helps you remember that heaven-sitting baby: Arms that frame the clouds of sunset in the winter when things are bare; shaddy all summer, and brilliantly bold in the fall.
I wouldn’t mind having a force like that in my life.
Why’s it gotta be Ohio?!
And #6 – Max and Ruby … Ruby and Max…(commence song being stuck in your head all day now) – I want to shove sharpened pencils in my ears when I hear her speak.
YOU’RE COMING TO OHIO??? PAR–TEE!! :) This is a great list…and why do people feel the need to ask about your business anyway? I’d like to add the people at PBS who thought Caillou was a good idea…or the people who invented Pokemon or Sonic the Hedgehog…WTF?? And #1…I feel the same way. I’m the mother of 4 and someday, someday, we’ll see her again. I like to think my grandma’s taking care of her in the meantine.
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..It’s Official…I have questions =-.
I like to refer to Caillou as Caill-ewwww.
So my children and I are not alone in thinking Caillou is the stupidest show ever? They think it’s funny that his name means “pebble” in French, and they love to make fun of the fact that everytime “Calliou has a problem,” his entire staff (two parents and the super-enabler Gramma) step into make it all better. Ugh.
I’m just proud that my kids are as media-savvy as they are (even if they eat up iCarly like it’s iCandy.)
.-= Launa´s last blog ..Bonsoir =-.
One of my first jobs at PBS was as a screener for children’s programming. Translation: I had to watch a whole, entire season of that whiny show. Anyway, there was a huge hole in the wall of my office behind the door handle (I didn’t do it, I swear) and I fantasized that DIC Entertainment would send us Caillou dolls as schwag so I could stuff one into the hole and slam the door knob into his head and…really, it’s safe to leave me with small children, I swear.
No, really.
Our two year old loves Caillou. I tolerate it. My husband loathes it. Simply cannot abide it.
I try to get all zen while watching and contemplate what some nice, supportive undergarments would do for Caillou’s mom and Miss Martin…
.-= Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..The Virtual Salon for the 21st Century =-.
Like it is anybody’s business anyway – I have a girlfriend who responds to such people by asking how their sex life is, shuts ‘em up pretty quickly.
Btw, Ohio is a great place to run away to.
I have 2 boys, and I’m constantly being asked the same question, and I am constantly responding with “NOPE” or “HELL NO” and people inevitably respond the same way…”Oh, you’ll see…” or “That’s what WE thought…” or…”Awwww, why not?” Often, I just say, “Actually, I am sure we are done b/c my husband had a vasectomy.” That usually shuts up the strangers b/c it’s so damn personal and unexpected. The ones who know me? They are even more obnoxious with: “You know, even THAT’s not 100% effective.” WTF is wrong with people??? Seriously?
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Yes =-.
Here’s the funny part, Liz. Then, when you have three, people look at you like you’re nuts. Like you didn’t know how they got here in the first place. Weird. I have seriously had people say to me, “You know how this happens, right? Heh heh heh.” Like I’m some kind of lusty slut. Awesome.
Why, Jen…I had NO IDEA!
I had people say the same thing to me during the short period of time that I was pregnant with my third baby. I mean, C’MON! I was so overwhelmed and sad and not ready for a third. There should just be an option where people who think things like that hand out chocolate bars instead of speaking.
Yes to chocolate bars. And so what if I’m a lusty slut. What business is that of yours (I mean, theirs), anyway. But, seriously, i think you are on to something. Because what pregnant woman (no matter how many or few children she has) doesn’t like chocolate. If I could trust myself to keep some on hand to give out to all pregnant women I see, I’d try to start a trend. But, I can tell you it’s not a good idea for me to be stockpiling chocolate. No no no.
Hmmmmm, Ohio? Im not knocking it. I just could think of some other really kickin places to go and somehow “Ohio” wasn’t on the top of the list. Well hell, it wasnt even in the list. lol
Today is my babys 20th, and your post makes me a litte teary eyed, remembering the old days of having babies.
Excellent post today.
Ah, the “are you having more kids” question…topped only by the “are you PREGNANT?!” question every time you say something weird is happening, like you wanted spicy food yesterday or your back hurts. Just because I’ve had babies before doesn’t mean I’m always pregnant every time I blink.
.-= Jenn M´s last blog ..The Search =-.
I think you have me beat.”Are you pregnant” definitely sucks more.
There are so many good reasons to NOT have any more. I learned my lessons well: I stopped at one. #2 made me giggle. I feel guilty for having so many!
.-= WackyMummy´s last blog ..Portraits In May =-.
I still don’t remember to close the bathroom door and my youngest is 21! (Still throwing the door shut when I hear people). Bad habit.
I had a girl, then a boy… and people still asked. Makes for simple conversation I guess. Funny thing though, the last time I answered this with a “YES I AM” was at a baby shower for the girl to whom I had given my crib. They all had a great laugh when they found out I was pregnant with #3. He managed to run right through the birth control! Though we are very glad he did. After him though, someone went to the doctor to make it permanent!
I was laughing my butt of and resonating with every word until I got to #1, then my heart broke for you. You write with absolute brilliance.
.-= Suzicate´s last blog ..Freaks, Geeks, And Squeaks =-.
I also will be picking my first baby up from that same said daycare.
.-= Yvonne Moss´s last blog ..Josh Ritter CD is for sure a Favorite =-.
Well crap, everyone else said it first. One of the best blumming posts evah!
.-= Tepary´s last blog ..Sneaking off to watch Harold and Maude =-.
I would love another: as long as I was 10 years younger, could guarantee my body would be better than ever afterwards and sleep would come easily. Otherwise, I’m done, too. Loved this post and sending hugs for reason #1.
.-= Jane´s last blog ..Yes! Yes! Yes! =-.
Nope. And, believe it or not, I have six and people still ask – with the “baby” being 15 – if I am having more. NOT A CHANCE IN LIFE!!!! At least not my life, which I am finally getting back.
Great writing! And very touching ending.
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..YES – Review of Life After Yes =-.
SIX? Wow. I don’t think I’d have the guts to ask you that. I’d be too much in awe…
Number 1 made me get all teary-eyed.
I am happy with my two, too. I am done. Although whenever I see a new baby, i get all warm and happy and I just want to bring that baby home with me. But as for getting pregnant again, I don’t miss it, but some days I do… and holding a new baby… and that smell… okay STOP IT I’m supposed to be DONE with this!
Is it bad that after this warning of life with 2 kids, I’m still hoping for a Number 2?
This had me in stitches – right until the twist at the end. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry – my heart goes out to you.
.-= Justine´s last blog ..Soap in my mouth =-.
You’re so honest, so raw, so real. Your #1 really shocked me. I wasn’t expecting it at all. So then I went back and read every post under your Story of THREE. A quote that really got me was “My mommy had a baby in her tummy, but she didn’t come out. She went to heaven.” Holy tears flowing at work!
I am also done after two. For sure. I always answer that question with, “Yup. Hubby got The Snip!” :-)
.-= ShannonL´s last blog ..Five for Ten: YES! =-.
I was laughing and then I peed a little (#s 2 and 6 of course. That bitch will taste so good!). Then your #1 had me weepy.
That daycare has the sweetest, best-smelling babies.
You always play with my emotions like this. One minute I’m laughing and the next minute I’m tearing up! I so enjoy reading your posts! Oh, and I can totally relate to forgetting to shut the bathroom door! ;D
I commented all over your blog today and I almost feel like I should apologize for it. Thank you for yet another piece of brilliance. You have ways of drawing up emotions too.
Add the “you must be busy” comments to the list of things to stop saying to me. Clearly I am and whether or not I have another baby is really none of your damn business! Too funny!
Shawna, thank you so much for everything you said today. For your heart, your support and your encouragement. Thank you.
Brilliant post. BRILL-E-(long E)-ENT(short E)
.-= Heather of the EO´s last blog ..Today =-.
A special daycare in heaven… oh, that makes me smile and cry at the same time.
My version of this is, “No, I don’t want to be pregnant – so stop asking!!” Also, “No, there’s nothing WRONG with my girl parts or husband’s boy parts. So stop asking. (And who the hell raised you to think it’s acceptable to ask that??!)”
.-= Eva @ Eva Evolving´s last blog ..On the Fence, Inching Toward Yes =-.
Aww, you had me giggling until the last one. A daycare in heaven is a beautiful image.
.-= Allison @ Alli ‘n Son´s last blog ..Blogs, Books and Brown Eyes – Thank You Journal =-.
I agree. With all of the above. Except it took me two more to figure it out.
.-= the mother´s last blog ..I Know You All Want Answers =-.
First, when I read this, I laughed so hard I snorted.
Then I linked to your posts about THREE. Now, I’m crying. Amazing, gut-wrenching, tear-inducing writing. You are SO talented. And a very, very strong woman. With three very lucky daughters.
sorry on that last comment…my handle on Twitter isn’t No. It’s musingsdemommy….ummm, hello, self? anyone in there today?
.-= denise´s last blog ..No =-.
Yup, even though I’ve got two and think there might be more on the way, I love this too – your signature blend of humor and heart.
I’m very sorry to hear about your third.
xo
.-= Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..The Virtual Salon for the 21st Century =-.
so perfect. love it.
.-= Alisha´s last blog ..A place to gather =-.
My two is waiting for me, I’m done at one, but I really do never know LOL. I don’t want anymore put if it happened I’d probably survive.
I laughed, and then went on from #1 to read your story. Your many parts to that story. I understand it, all too well.
Beautifully written. You’ve got a new fan.
.-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Moderating Optimism =-.
Thank you so much for taking the time to go through all of those posts, BLW. I’m so sorry that you understand how it feels to experience it, but it means a lot to me that you shared it. Even after all this time, knowing that someone else understands makes it much less solitary.
Number one made be teary and smile at the same time…..huge hug to you.
P.S. I hate olivia and if you are looking for some extra boob you are welcome to mine…still no reduction….what is that all about???
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Valley View Farm =-.
NO REDUCTION? Seriously? I thought that only happened in the fairy tales. If I didn’t already *heart* you, I’d be extremely jealous.
Made hubby read the entry, hopefully he’ll get the message and get the boys snipped. #1 made me a little misty eyed.
OK, after a week of working towards finally resolving to wave goodbye to my wish for another child, this post is exactly what I needed to read today, so thank you for that and for making me laugh – although your last and final comment brought a tear to my eye also
That’s a brilliant list. But as funny as numbers 10-2 are, the number one reason, well, it just beauitfully sums up the cacophony of moments that make up this journey of motherhood.
.-= Hyacynth´s last blog ..Five for Ten: Yes =-.
Beautiful and poingant!
We lost a baby after kiddo #6, and it hurt. I can totally appreciate your loss.
But … Nyaah … we’re not done … we’re at 9 and still going strong ;-)
.-= goofdad´s last blog ..Saying "YES!" =-.
ck,
I can SOOO relate to the boob thing on #10…I went from a D to a DD to a B :(
Your story of your daughter is what hooked me on becoming one of your followers! I *love* how you stated #1!!!
.-= Dawn@What’s Around the Next Bend?´s last blog ..The List =-.
Hi Sarsh! You are simply at the peak of honesty and your writings muse me.. So I thought to share an award with you…Its all yours…please accept the award at
http://antosdiary.blogspot.com/2010/05/and-award-goes-to-day-25.html
I have two but I’d gladly have a dozen more.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..The Race for My Heart =-.
Such a great post but I also want to say that I’m sorry about your loss. I had many miscarriages.
And even though my kids are 14 and 10 I still can’t get a moment alone in the bathroom! I’m anticipating that when they leave for college I will…
.-= Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla´s last blog ..The Second Summer of Yes =-.
Seriously, what is wrong with people? I think the question of are you done goes along with one of my other personal favorites. People actually have the nerve to ask me if my twins are real twins. What does that mean? Sometimes, my reply is no, they’re fake. On the flip side, I actually had a friend say to me last week, well I really hope you’d be done! I mean you already have three! Ok…
I always wanted a big family……. and then I had twins!! LOL My three, healthy, beautiful children are just enough. Now that they are almost grown, I occasionally get the urge for another……….. then I remember and come to my senses!! I’ll wait for the grandchildren!!
Love your blog!
Blessings, Lynne
Love the tone on this—pitch perfect. Somehow it made me think of when I’m at a restaurant, perhaps a rare moment when I’m not “working” in the sense of parenting or actually working and I’m asked, “Are you still working on that?” (Like I should be wearing a hard-hat; like my fork is a shovel or a hammer). In parenting I feel like I’m running a luxury hotel sometimes, it makes me want to ask the waiter if he’s ready for my invoice.
.-= Privilege of Parenting´s last blog ..Gone Guestin’ =-.
That baby’s arse is amazing. Your list definitely rings true to me, too. Though some days I kinda want another one. Some days I absolutely need another one. And some days I want to leave the two I already have at a fire station somewhere.
.-= seekingelevation´s last blog ..Worth watching =-.
You are most definitely the mother of 3. You are also funny.
I get asked that a lot too, like 3 kids aren’t enough. At this moment, given the facts of the ways conception for #2  happened and that Hubs hasn’t had a vasectomy yet, I can’t totally rule out the occurrence of #4. Which is a little scary!
I’m 5’2″ also, and though my kids weren’t in the 9lb range a 4th surely would be, as each one was bigger than the last. And the boobs! OMG I never had big ones – except after my first they went from A to C – but they were perky, now they’re back to an A and not perky :( And ladies, all sorts of things can be said about how esteem isn’t tied to breast size but when it’s hard to find clothes that fit a woman who is short but not short enough for “petite” AND doesn’t bag and gap at the chest, you’d wish for a change too. HAHA!
I didn’t know you had lost a child. I’m sorry. I will read your series when I am able.
.-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..What I’m wearing?: Anniversary Edition =-.
It’s funny you say it that way – how hard it is to find shirts that “fit,” because I (obviously) have that problem too. People roll their eyes because I’m considered “tiny” and no one wants to hear a “tiny” person complain, but FOR REAL – it limits what I can wear and what I look good in. (I know, I know. Woe is me, tiny woman.)
ck,
When you have three of a kind, like I do, I still get asked if I would like a girl…Um, no thanks. Why tempt fate? I already deal with PMS and bitchiness.
I also have a fourth, waiting for me at the pearly gates…hoping he/she is potty trained when I get there…
Olivia, Caillou, Wow Wow Wubzy and the mess of them…hell on Earth…I don’t know who I pissed off, but boy, am I paying for it!
.-= Maria´s last blog ..Foot in the mouth syndrome belies the love in my heart =-.
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