I folded laundry last night
and picked up the green, hooded sweatshirt
the one that zips up the front, isn’t too cushy, and has highlighted both the blue and brown eyes of my two youngest boys
I think it’s days are numbered
this favorite piece of clothing
and yet I am not ready to pack it away in the attic graveyard
Then I remembered all the times yesterday I said something like this
“It’ll be easier when they are all older. When they are all 5 and up.”
I’m pushing and pulling at time
all at once
thinking of time
how I want to spend mine
how I want to stop it
and speed it up
all in a day
I don’t know if another Sarah baby will ever wear that green sweatshirt
or the onesie with the embroidered duck on the butt
or the blue, toggle jacket
I don’t know if it ever will get easier
I think it’ll just be different
I’m pretty sure it’ll just be different
Standing still in the midst of my life is the hardest thing to do
partly because I don’t have time to do so
partly because I can’t tolerate it
partly because I’m either living in the past
or looking toward the future
I try not to miss it going by
marching on
time
my children
these stages
but sometimes all I want to do is push pause
or fast-forward
and control life like it’s a DVD player
and my children are the characters in a movie
But I don’t want to be the villain
I am not Cruella
Nor Cinderella
I am just me
And trying so hard to be
But energy shifts so rapidly from bad to good to bad again in this house
that it’s hard to keep up with the me that is the me that I want to be
and not just the me that I have to be
the folder of clothes
feeder of mouths
kisser, hugger, lover, mother
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Lovely reflection. I’m feeling this ambivalence this week as my oldest gets ever more independent. I have so many plans for her, and each day, I realize my plans are precisely that: mine. Not hers. I want to control her, to script her future, and instead, I have to do the difficult work of letting her write her own ending.
Oh and it IS hard work, isn’t it? My oldest will be 8 this summer, EIGHT!!! And though he has many of the traits he had at age one, he has taken so many different turns than I had ever imagined. The hardest thing for me is watching him “figure it out” and make mistakes, especially social mistakes. I try so hard to guide him toward becoming a good friend and a comfortable citizen, but there are many, many stumbles along that route…not so different from my own adventure, to be sure!
“Folder of clothes. . . kisser, hugger, lover, mother…”
Yes indeed. And laundry, laundry, laundry through the ups and downs of all of it. And I know you’ll keep slogging through. Because it’s in the job description. And some of it – like that beautiful little face – is magical.
Oh it is magical, isn’t it? That face. Oh that face…the devil’s work, in so many, many ways. It is hard not to love this one more than his brothers, I’ll admit it (and a terrible thing to admit, I KNOW!). He wraps me up with both love and frustration daily, and it’s pictures like these that make me glow when I’m having a difficult day (um, every day?).
I so feel this way. Beautifully written. Up until the past month, I had been counting down the months till my youngest could go off to school more full time. Now that time is here and I’m freakin, thinking of homeschooling to bide my time with my only two children. My boys. I want what’s best for them and I want what’s best for me and sometimes it’s hard to balance it all.
I mourn the loss of my babies as they grow into kindergartners and tweens, yet I find myself fast forwarding, fantasizing about it being easier when they are older and I’m “more together”, but I’m pretty sure you’re right. It’ll just be different.
OH yes, just “different.” I know it won’t get less busy, or less worrisome. I know there will always be struggles, just as there will always be successes, triumphs and joy. But it is SO DAMN HARD not to think about going to the pool with the boys and being able to sit on my lounge chair with a book while they swim….instead of being caged in at the baby pool negotiating the virtues of “sharing” their toys. Blech!
I had the same feelings when I was going through my daughter’s baby things a few years ago. Because she was last baby. Only, suddenly she wasn’t. But I had another boy, so I ended up giving away most of her stuff anyway to make room. And I’m loving seeing my toddler wear his big brother’s old stuff.
Enjoy the moment. Enjoy. And that green sweatshirt? Keep it.
Yes, I’m keepin’ it! To be sure! There are a handful of things I will never let go. Some of them are just too cute, some of them are the makers of specific memories I don’t ever want to forget, and all of them I envision pulling out of the attic when a grandbaby is born, even if just to weave them through my fingers again and remember it all…the newborn, the toddler, the teenager…
I’m right there in the trenches with you, sista. Good turns to bad turns to unbearable on the twist of a dime. Frustrating as Hell, especially if you are the *sole* folder of the laundry, cook, hugger, kisser of boo-boos.
Those are some stunning peepers.
The trenches. We are here. And we are exhausted. But at least we have each other. Because if I didn’t have that I don’t even think I could write posts like this…posts that have that underlying sentiment of love for all it is that I do and am.
xo
I spent today cleaning the garage while my kids were at camp. I found many a treasured baby outfit or item that pulled at my mama heartstrings. I am coming to grips with the fact that there will likely be no more Mama babies either… but it’s really, really hard. I get this. Totally.
You know what? I’m not ready to let it go–the thought of another baby. And I cannot stop wondering if I’ll ever be ready. I ponder whether this feeling of “knowing we need one more” is something that all moms feel, and I should air on the side of “practical parenting” for the first time in my life and just quit having babies before I get myself into more trouble OR if it’s a genuine feeling and something I shouldn’t deny.
Obviously, I’ve yet to decide. But I can’t stop thinking that my minivan has some MORE ROOM in it for ANOTHER BUTT. :)
The hardest part you listed above? Lover. If that’s taken care of, I think hormones could take care of all the worry….
I so get this – every time I have to buy size 11 or 12 (men’s mind you) shoes for my baby or the impending doom that comes with his 16th birthday the end of this month.
Holy hell…16…I don’t think I can go there. I can barely manage the thought of my 7 year old turning 8 this year.
And size 12 shoes? That just scares me. And it should scare my husband even more–you know how I like to throw shoes at him when I’m mad, right?
Better tell hubby to learn to duck faster. LOL!
“Standing still in the midst of my life is the hardest thing to do” Yep. True words.
Folding laundry makes a good attempt, however.
Seriously, one of the best things about folding laundry is the fact that I have to BE STILL to do it…and yet I am still doing “work.” Sometimes I wish there were 50 loads to fold…as long as someone ELSE would come along and put them away for me. Any takers?
Yes. We have all been there. The hustle, the bustle, the stress, the madness. It seems like some days we are just trying to survive. I think that’s okay. That’s part of the parenting business (or busyness) but it feels good just to let it out sometimes.
You know what makes me sad these days? That every day feels like I’m just trying to survive. And I wonder if that feeling will ever go away…if I’ll figure out how to conquer it, and life, or if it’s just part of the living with, and the parenting of, small children.
I just love this!
“Standing still in the midst of my life is the hardest thing to do”
Beauty.
Thanks.
Oh, and my mom said, little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems. But she can’t possibly have been referring to me, I was practically perfect in every way. ;)
You know, your mom is totally right. And I can already see that big kid problem stuff a-happenin’ around here, and we’ve but an 8-year-old. I can’t imagine when he’s 18!
It’s daunting. All of it. Remembering the moments that were, those that have made us and our children what we are now. Remembering the now now we are standing in, and anticipating the parenting feats ahead. As Jen and always, ALWAYS say, “Parenting is hard, yo!”
“But energy shifts so rapidly from bad to good to bad again in this house
that it’s hard to keep up with the me that is the me that I want to be…”
I wish I could rein in this energy. Trap it. Contain it. Focus it in the right direction. Or at least just keep it from dragging me down the street some days…
It is SO TOTALLY the next big idea to figure out how to do that.
:)
I agree with CK “But energy shifts so rapidly from bad to good to bad again.” I wish I could reign this one in too. It changes so quickly around here that it gives me whiplash. I can hardly stand it some days. Hardly stand myself.
Sarah I really could just eat up your words. Honestly, they speak to me so.
P.S. My girlfriend recently had her third, a boy finally! She’s by closest friend, but I refuse to give her any of my favourite boy clothes. I just can’t bare to part with them.
I know what you mean…I think I have had several opportunities to GIVE STUFF AWAY. Instead, I’ve found myself gently choosing what I would LEND.
And the whiplash? Oh yes, that is the perfect description! My neck–and my entire body–is sore! I swear even breathing gives my lungs a sharp twinge.
“that it’s hard to keep up with the me that is the me that I want to be
and not just the me that I have to be”
I’m right here with you on this part. Most days I’m completely lost in who I have to be, and lose who I want to be. Hopefully someday she will come back.
I think she will. I mean, I know she is still there. Waiting. Coming in and out like waves, in bits and pieces. She’s reformatting, like a harddrive. Reshaping, like the moon. And learning how to blend her colors with the colors that her life has painted, all on its own.
I know this so well. The tiny clothes symbolizing babies getting bigger, but also trying to stay the me I want to be in the midst of the shifting energy. Beautiful, Sarah.
All that moving and reorganizing brought the envitable last week, the moving on of small clothes that no longer covers essential body parts of my “baby.” Like you, I have a stash of stuff that I cannot part with, mostly because it physically hurts too much.
That my oldest will be ten in just a few months. That my middle son is quickly catching up to his older brother in size, strength and can certainly hold his own intellectually, and that baby is no longer a baby.
So hard to hold on in this rollercoaster, isn’t it? We just make sure that they are fed, clothed, hugged, kissed. And pray that we survive.
Oh yes, it is so hard. So hard. I’m so tired of holding on. But I have to say I’m a wee bit proud of myself lately, cause you know what I’ve managed to do? I’ve managed to figure out how to fasten the safety bar and trust that it’ll hold me, as I wave my arms up in the air and get busy with the living.
:)
Why is it so darn hardto live in the now? I know I’m going to be longing for today in a few months. Maybe because, like you said, who has time to be still and enjoy?
You know, seriously, I think about all of this too much. How am I supposed to stop and breathe it in and relax and ever feel refreshed? The scheduling and planning of a few moments alone is stressful enough, it almost alleviates the rest I might feel after actually having a bit of time to myself. There just doesn’t to be a way to do it naturally, to feel like I ever have time and space to search for peace. I know that can’t be the way, though. In my heart I know that if I keep seeking, I will find a way to balance things that will work for me, but it’s a tough road, and I’m tired. And so many days I just want to give up and run away crying. But that’s a REALLY horrible option, so I march on, as does time…
Sniff Sniff. I feel this so often. The push and pull as you describe it. Wanting to move forward but wanting to hold on. Wondering if it will be better up ahead or if I’ll grasp firmly to where I am as things speed up. It petrifies me daily. Yet, warms me daily too. That’s why I try to just live it. Enjoy what I can. Cry when I feel like it. It’s just life. And although that green sweatshirt may go to the graveyard, you’ll have other green sweatshirts to replace it. Promise. xo
Other green sweatshirts…oh, I know I will. I do. I know. I just don’t think they’ll be as cute, you know? As memorable. As squenchy and squelchy and yummy.
I love how you say this so simply: “That’s why I try to just live it. Enjoy what I can. Cry when I feel like it. It’s just life.”
Yes. It is. Simple as that, even when everything seems complicated. It’s just life. Ahh, life. Go out and live it…
Oh, Sarah, beautifully done. I could’ve written one much like it 10 years ago. We live for the wonderful moments, but without the chaos, how would we ever know??
“Without the chaos, how would we ever know?” I love this. Through all the bad in our lives we have come to know good. Through the struggles we have learned how and WHY to celebrate success. It is never far from my mind that everything in life has its opposite, else it wouldn’t even be so. There would be no happy without sad. No calm without chaos. And the wonderful moments of life as a mom, though still sweet, would hardly carry the same weight if not for the sleepless nights, the worry and the angst…
Thank you for reminding me how very important the yin and yang has always been in my life. It’s reassuring to remember these thoughts…
I think about this often when I pack away baby #2′s outgrown clothes. I wonder why I am keeping them since, as of right now, we have decided there will be no baby #3. I am working on a post right now about how my feelings go back and forth.
“Standing still in the midst of my life is the hardest thing to do
partly because I don’t have time to do so
partly because I can’t tolerate it
partly because I’m either living in the past
or looking toward the future”
Why is it so hard?? I suppose it is because of the reasons you write here. We don’t have the time and also because it is just too much to handle. Our thoughts about the past and future buffer us.
But in the past 5 months or so I have been much better at not wishing the time away even when things are difficult. My oldest being 8 makes me accutely aware of time (as you can relate). I know that not long from now I will painfully long to have back these days.
Yes, the 8-year-old. There is something about this age. It is officially too old, too far beyond Kindergarten, too mature, too close to tween and teen years. But because of my awareness of these thoughts, and despite the ponderings of my post here, I, too, feel like I have been able to step back more often and take everything in, not wish it away.
Just love this – the idea of pushing and pulling at time. Yes. That is me. That is most moms, I suppose. My daily struggle is to be present, right here, right now, instead of thinking…
Please don’t get any bigger, please remain a small, chubby person who spins in circles when you’re happy; and then, a millisecond later, please get big enough to take care of your own personal hygiene and your own laundry. ;)
Yes, please stay cute but wipe your own butt… please? And those clothes that you wore for an hour and tossed in the hamper? Why don’t you take a crack at washing them!
xo
Mom
Plenty of days, I have to – NEED to – tell myself that it will get easier. (When the house is done; when I get through this phase at work; when we’ve saved enough… .)
Most often I cling to reality, and I know that it won’t be easier, that “it’ll just be different.”
The hardest times are when I don’t want it to be different, easier or not. That’s when I cling to the green sweatshirt, not wanting to wonder about all those impossible questions about who next will wear it and when.
So: Why is Fast-Forward our default setting, and how can I change it to Pause? :)
Oh I love the way you say this…and really, why IS fast-forward our default? Is it because of the kids? Because they are literally spinning circles around us?
You know, I look at those people who are all calm and relaxed, seem so poised and full of breath, and if I push past the jealousy what I REALLY want to know (and start questioning them on, for sure) is how they seem to reside in the Pause mode so often!
:)
This is exactly why instead of a memory album I have a box, and that there’s clothes in it. And some Halloween costumes. Sometimes clothes are some of my most vivid memories of a smallhood that’s gone.
Oh yes, Linda. A Memory Box. Right now, my entire attic serves as this purpose. I imagine when it comes time to REALLY get rid of things I will go out and buy a chest to hide these reminders away in. And every so often I will creak the lid and finger the fabrics, because so many of these memories I have really ARE tactile.
Well, Sarah, you know I’m right there with you on this one. It is rare I can enjoy the “pause” or “play” on the DVD. Mostly, I am fast forwarding…I admit it. Babyhood/toddlerhood…it is hard. Especially on women who are trying to be “more than Mommy.” But I am sure that these blogs of ours have helped us get through these years and deal with the bad times and catch more of the good. There’s an awareness to it now for me that I don’t think I would’ve had, had I not been writing and reading it about it. I realized yesterday when I saw a pregnant girl at the doctor’s office that I am getting to the point finally when remembering those days…the beginnings of it all…the pregnancies and the newborn no-sleep-days and Aidan’s infamous near-5-months-of crying…where I can smile fondly, where I am forgetting the really bad moments, and thinking of it as a magical time. So I am trying desperately to make THIS moment, every day (okay, no not every day…some days I am still counting the moments to when Grandma will rush in for the night) a magical one right now. We all have the green sweatshirts…I have a drawer full of stuff I know will make me tear up in a few….
Oh Lizzy Liz Liz, this is a post. This is something that you should write up. On the benefits of blogging. On why we do it even though it can make us crazy and add to the stress of time management.
I completely 100% agree with you that having this blog, taking this time to write and reflect on motherhood, has changed my perspective on all that has yet happened, and all that is out there in the future for us to experience–as a family, and as individuals.
I’ve done a lot of fast-forwarding, too. Mostly out of anticipation for the next stage…either because I am excited to see what it brings, or because I just NEED TO GET THE KIDS SLEEPING, EATING, PEEING ON THE POTTY whatever it is! I know that this summer schedule has something to do with my laid back approach to time management and mothering these days, and I like it. I like the shift. I like the calm I feel about kids staying up too late or eating meals made out of snacks.
Yay for blogs and summer and good friends who see what we see when we take the time to write it down.
!!!
I just love this so much, Sarah. It’s like you took all of my jumbled thoughts about motherhood and time and spun them out to make clear and profound sense.
You hit the nail on the head in so many ways, and I thank you for how you use your voice to help us all feel a bit more understood. Or more than a bit more understood.
xo
Do you feel like you just have no idea what will resonate with people? Cause I’ve been stuck in this land of making no sense with my words. I’ve barely written anything in the past few weeks, I can’t seem to understand my own thoughts, let alone convey them to others.
And this was a little ditty I had in draft form. I read it through and winced a few times. It’s so easy and simple and calm. I wrote it in about 5 minutes, I’m sure, and then sat on it for a while because it “wasn’t complete.” But then life left no room for the completing, and here I am, putting it out there and feeling so grateful that most times my idea of ‘least perfect’ is what resonates with other mothers the most. Which makes sense, of course, because we all need to feel more understood, and like there is a family of women on our side…and oh there is, it’s right here, and it’s a beautiful thing.
Yes, I feel this too:
“But energy shifts so rapidly from bad to good to bad again in this house
that it’s hard to keep up with the me that is the me that I want to be
and not just the me that I have to be”
I try not to let it get to me but the up and down cycles change so swiftly that I can’t seem to be in sync with it sometimes. I’d love to always be at my best for my daughter and even for myself yet I seem to mostly be lagging behind, trying to play catch-up. Like you said, where’s that pause button when you need one?
Every time I put clothes away for Goodwill or to pass on to others, I get a little weepy. Beautiful post, truly.
Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend I hadn’t seen in three weeks. She said: what have you been doing? And I said: Living. It’s so true being in the midst of my life, I have finally found my space. The spot that I live in, not worrying about what has happened or what comes next. It’s so freeing. And I think it has a lot to do with the acceptance that there will never be another baby in my life. That this IS my family, just the way it is. Of course, anything could change that, another surprise pregnancy, a stumbled upon foster parent situation, or *gasp* the loss of one of these beautiful children. But for today I won’t think about it *much*. Still here. Sometimes. Love to you and yours.
That’s exactly right.