what i want to write is this:
I AM ENOUGH
but this is how i feel:
i’m afraid i’ll never write another decent stream of words in my life
i’m afraid i’ll never be able to hang on to the feeling of calm that a kickass conversation with a close friend brings
i’m afraid i’ll get lost in the dirty, boring details–the laundry, the bills, the organizing, scheduling, remembering of life
i’m afraid i’ll lose track of where i am and where i wanted to be and all that will remain is a washed-up woman with three children and a still-messy life
i’m afraid i’ll never learn how to fake it and that the truth will continue to scare people away
i’m afraid i’ll resign myself to crappy parenting and a crappy body image because i can’t find it within me to be consistently more than i consistently am not
–
despite my fears
i have to force myself to say it, write it, scream it aloud
because i know that it is true:
I AM ENOUGH
WE ARE ENOUGH
i believe it
in my heart of hearts
i just wish it weren’t so damn hard to remember
and there wasn’t so much struggle in life
because fuck character
i want some peace of mind
–
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You sure are enough, my friend.
More than enough, if you ask me.
Always and no matter what–words said or unsaid, not faking it, messy or scared or angry, remembering or not…yes, you are enough. And I’m really glad to know you.
Damned straight.
(hugs)
I’m afraid of all of those things, too. Why, as grown women do we still feel so insecure and not Good Enough? Why do we have such high expectations and put so much pressure on ourselves?
But this one: “i’m afraid i’ll never learn how to fake it and that the truth will continue to scare people away”… you don’t need to do that. Fake sucks. If people don’t like the truth, it’s their problem not yours. Keep being you. True friends will love you for it.
Thanks for your words. They mean something to me. I can really relate. And keep telling yourself (and I will tell myself) that you ARE good enough. Because you are.
You don’t scare me. I love you just as you are. Even if you think you are messy, I think you are authentic and that rocks my world when so few are. But I get this, and I live it. It’s so damn hard.
xo
i was just listening to a song today with the line: “this world is making me drunk on the spirit of fear.”
screw the fear. you ARE enough, absolutely. and the truth brings us together, because faking it is, well, fake. inauthentic. the truth may be ugly, but it’s real, and that is beautiful.
peace to you and joy
I so want to scream this from the roof tops, but deep down, I’m not feeling it. I’m feeling so overwhelmed and exhausted by life. I’ll have to come back another day, when I’m feeling at least half of the person I usually am.
Driving home at 4am, after dropping Kameron at her house on Sunday – I was thinking of this – I felt so good, so complete when I was surrounded by all these friends (new and old). But now going back home, feeling like an isolated SAHM most days, and a less than adequate one at that…
“because fuck character…. i want some peace of mind”
This will be my new mantra.
I know I just met you (oh so grateful for that) but you are a breath of fresh air. You shine. Seriously.
-Ellie
I’m afraid of that stuff too, especially getting lost in it all…
But girl, go out and get yourself some awesome jeans, that fit! You’ll love them, I promise! ;)
I can so relate to this post. The truth is, in my first years as a stay at home mom, I DID lose a lot of myself in the boring details. Now I’m working on finding myself again.
I have every one on of those fears. Every exact one. This resonated with me in a deep, forgiving-myself-because-it’s-not-just-me sort of way. Thank you for that.
You said the very words I’ve been thinking for weeks! And dammit – we are enough!!! Just having the courage to put that out there makes you enough:)
I feel every word of this. Some days the mundane necessities feel live vines curling around me, pulling me down. I want so much to feel the freedom of movement, to finish thoughts, to know I can sleep a whole eight hours, to slowly eat my food, to dwell in my own body. Motherhood pulls in so many directions. I am terrified of being lost in it. And worse, I hate feeling alone. And worried about inviting people in, really letting them in, because what if my messy life frightens them away?
Don’t worry about those words. They certainly reached out and grabbed me.
You are enough.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
And then some.
Even when the dailiness is grinding, you are enough.
We are ENOUGH! We have to be. We are mothers. We accept what comes to us and fight like hell for it to be okay; for our kids, for our spouses, for ourselves.
You are MORE than enough. You are a mother. You kick ass in spite of the mundane and dreary. And for that; you are wonderful…
Hang in there, sister. Ride the yuck wave and envision the rainbow at the end!
Authenticity is enough! In fact, I almost think it’s everything.
But it’s so much easier to say that to someone else.
You are enough! And you are great! I’m not sure what specifically you are dealing with, but I would hope that character and peace of mind are on the same side of the coin…. Anyway, I really enjoyed meeting you, and I like that you are a woman of such character.
you’re right.
you are enough.
and yes, you deserve some peace of mind.
(once you find it… can you leave a trail of breadcrumbs for me to follow?)
Fucking Bravo!
Well said!
It seems you have long been struggling to be enough. You are. You always have been. Without you we would be an incomplete family. There would be a big hole. And I know your family of boys would feel the gaping emptiness, too. You are enough as you are, though perhaps you need to be more for you, not for anybody else. I struggle with this, too. The acute difference between us being, I think, that while you’ve been trying to be enough, I’ve been trying for years not to be noticed too much. But our roots are the same, and we both are trying for authenticity in our individual selves. And, obviously, you are not alone in this. There is bountiful understanding and support, which I hope helps ease the struggle that I understand so well.
I love this. Not the pain behind it, but my recognition of that pain. Perfectly said, and if it helps at all to know that other people feel exactly the same way, you have that help in spades. Great post.
I struggle with my over-honesty at times too. I always feel I have to restrain myself for fear of pissing people off or simply just turning them off. I didn’t get to spend tons of time with you in NY, but the time I did was fun and refreshing. Just be you and if people can’t appreciate it, then THEY are missing out, not you!
…and here you are, so much more than enough, kicking up a storm of awesome words. (Welcome back!)
Yes.
So much to be afraid of. Sometimes you just feel like an open wound.
I am not enough; I already know that. But man, I’d give my left arm to just be even 2/3 of enough. ((you)) But don’t fake it. Because if you did, we’d miss out on posts like this.
You are ENOUGH!
I strugle with all of this too and JUST this morning was thinking about ways to not fear the fear, but instead use it to my advantage.
Hugs to you. You are enough…and you are not alone!
You are the beautiful. You are the wonderful writer that we love to read. You are the mother your boys need & love. You are you. And that, my friend, is MORE than enough!
Fuck character. I want a little peace of mind.
I couldn’t have said it better myself. If it’s any consolation, we all go through this – sometimes it lasts longer than we could have imagined. And writing comes back. And a sense of self comes back – self separate from parenting. At least, to the extent that is possible, because parenting changes us irrevocably. And we wouldn’t really want it otherwise, would we?
But I hear you. Enough already.
So often I feel like not enough and when other’s fake it, it makes me feel more so. It’s so refreshing to me when others who also feel not enough aren’t too afraid or guarded to just be real. We all struggle, some of us just wear it on our sleeves, and I believe it makes it easier for to connect. It certainly helps me to relate, I feel less alone, less like a loser when I know I’m not the only person out there feeling less than enough, even though we really are all enough.
‘Love this!
And, as much as I struggle with the same, I often find myself on the other side of the equation: fearing that I am TOO MUCH. Equally as false, equally as irritating, equally as angering.
Yes, peace of mind. I AM ME.
Oh, I think I love you. <3
Preach it, girl! That ROCKS!
Enough is Enough!!! You ARE amazing! You ARE wonderfully made! You ARE fabulously capable of putting so much of yourself into so few words. You touch on all that it is to be human, to be a woman, a mother, a wife, a sister…just BEING those things is ENOUGH! You ARE ENOUGH!!!
Man! I love this blog. You guys are so honest and true and what you write can so often be universally felt by so many moms!
I LOVE this Post. I could of totally wrote that (if I had any creative writing ability :)) I want to be enough.
You strike me as one of the most “having all her shit together” strong women. So I am surprised by this post. You are not just enough. You are more than enough because many of your posts serve as an anchoring piece I think for many of your readers. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being honest. Reading this one and the Making Piece post you tweeted just now, I am slowing getting my bearing back. Thank you.
“i’m afraid i’ll never learn how to fake it and that the truth will continue to scare people away”
Uh- no your “truth” is what has me reading. Your truth will only scare away people who live in sunshine and lollipops. Life is grittier than that; don’t be afraid to roll up your sleeves and get dirty. Getting dirty (and being truthful while doing it) is the most fun one can have.
You ARE enough. After a wonderful weekend, I am already feeling lost again (potty-training will do that to the best of us). The one thing not enough: how much I saw you this weekend. Way too much going on. Wish we had more quiet time. Ah, well. Still lovely to put a face to many words.
You are enough. We are all enough. We are just as we each should be, beautifully flawed but still growing and learning. Seems you and I are on the same wavelength today, dear Sarah. We are making peace with being just enough.
I found this great blog last week that totally speaks to this feeling we all share:
http://www.traceyclark.com/iamenough/
Oh yes. I absolutely adored your post today, Eva. Thank you. Thank you for being on the same wavelength today.
a-freaking-men.
I need to stand up and say, “AMEN!”
Today, I’m pretty sure I’m not enough. And, Sarah, it helps to know you get it.
But that’s the point…I’m sure you actually ARE enough today. For today. For you. For this moment.
But I get it. That the feeling isn’t there. That you are lost in the unworthiness of life from time to time. In the struggle. In the mean mommy mode. The tired mommy mode. Or just the general feeling of absolute and total inadequateness. Crap, that CAN’T be a word but I’m going to make it so. Just like I’m going to tell you that Stacia, you ARE enough. I know it to be true. Today I am all-knowing. So trust me. Feel it. Say it aloud. Write it on your forehead. On an envelope on the kitchen counter. On the shower door.
You are.
Enough.
You are.
Oh, Sarah, I believe this, too but it is so damn hard to remember, isn’t it?
This — dirty, boring details–the laundry, the bills, the organizing, scheduling, remembering of life — is constant and I so want to get away from these things and yet I can’t. But the other night, we had dinner with some friends whose kids are 19 and 18; independent and out of the house, and all they could say was it all went by way too fast. And this reminds me that I have to learn to love the chaos of my days because, I suspect that one day, I will miss all of it; every single dirty, boring detail that challenges me, day in and day ou,t and threaten to drive me to the brink of my lived-in life.
Don’t think I stole your post idea…I have this same idea in my queue. Struggling myself to be enough…maybe if we all just stand up and shout it, it will be true? Great post.
i love this so much I cannot even tell you. thank you a million times, thank you!!
This really speaks to me today, Sarah. Why do I never think what I am is enough? Why do I always think I’m supposed to be so much more? How much does the dissatisfaction with the now ruin the now and ultimately make me no good for anything?
I can barely breathe with the alternate chants going on inside of my brain: of how much I should be doing, writing, accomplishing, and why I suck too much to actually do any of it anyway.
Once upon a time I said to my mother: when will I stop feeling like I’m faking it? My mom told me that everybody is on some level, faking it, just to get through their lives. And that that in and of itself makes it authentic.
YOU ARE PERFECT. Just the way you are (with unpressured room for improvement) just like the rest of us. Hugs and love from another who struggles just to be enough. And peace of mind=bliss, at least for a little while, before boredom sets in.
YES YES YES. I needed to read this right now. Why is it so damned easy to fall into toxic thinking? You’d think it’d be easy to stay positive and strong, if only to be rebellious.
I love that you can take something complex and distill it down into pure cathartic emotion. We are all enough, every day of our lives.
OMG – I repeat those words all the time. I have them on a sticky inside the clear bag I carry everywhere with my meds in it.
I am enough.
I do enough.
I have enough.
It becomes a mantra.
And yes, the early years of motherhood ARE a crazy-making time, when it is EASY to feel “less than”.
You are awesome, and so much more than enough.
Love, me
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