We sleep together
A toddler between us
And I am happy
Her toes at my knees
Your toes
touching
mine
And I realize
I am good at this
now
This parenting at night
Better than I was when we were in so deep for so long
The years of nights stretching out from the long days
No guaranteed hours of quiet
The resisting being needed
The resentment of being needed
And now
together
this rare night of a child between us
I lay half asleep
rubbing her back
listening to you breathe and sigh
And I think again
I know how to do this
And I realize how much of my waking days now
I spend going through the motions
Wondering if I know what I am doing
at
all.
August 24, 2010
Three in a bed
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hear hear! I vacillate between savoring and resenting, knowing and being lost, loving and worrying, all the range of emotion that comes with being a mama. I love those moments of knowing.
Absolutely lovely. I’m sure you’ve heard it over and over, but these are the moments to savor, however tiring at times. When they no longer wish for that kind of affection, you miss it terribly. Sweet, sweet moments.
Those content moments are magic, aren’t they? Lovely.
Yes, resentment and resisting are part of the routine with little ones. This reflection of yours during a quiet moment with your littlest one, reminds me of how often my thoughts turn toward introspection while I sit rubbing my sleeping child’s back. I find it interesting that we (I mean I) often turn to self-criticism during these tender moments.
You are a wonderful mom. You obviously love your children but you are exhausted! It IS exhausting!
As for knowledge, it might feel like we are all at the edge of a blind cliff trying to make our way to the other side during these years of parenting, but I believe we have an intuition that guides us on our way. I’m pretty sure your intuition is perfect for you and your little ones.
With the youngest being six, the neediness has faded. And with that fade, I’m noticing a sadness at times. Last night however, my little one woke from a terrible dream in the wee hours of the morning. We’ve always been resistant to the boys ever sleeping with us, but it was nice last night. Until his elbows started poking me in my sides. ;-)
Beautiful. :-)
Why oh why can’t that feeling come in the thick of it. I would’ve paid money to feel like I was doing just one thing right back in the intense days of their needs being so much greater than mine.
This post makes me feel so comfortable and fulfilled with family. And I like that. :)
Beautiful. I love moments of clarity like that. It helps carry us through those moments of utter self doubt.
Love this, and I so relate. Except, insert a rough kick to my husband for snoring so loudly.
LIKE!!!
Nothing is sweeter than laying next to your toddler, their hot breath on your neck, with the love of your life on the other side…Sweetness, a snapshot of humming content…
ya made me cry- these have been my sentiments exactly!
My three older kids started school a few days ago and I am spending more moments with just my baby who is THREE. And I worry about how many of those moments I have squandered while I was in the trenches, buried to my knees in GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT!!!!
I don’t know what I’m doing either.