It’s happening. That summer ending thing. That school starting thing. Those new beginnings.

Time presses on and I stumble to catch up. Every season.

I’m looking through pictures of my boys. Of summer. I’m nostalgic before a season has even completely passed. How can this be?

The pictures arm me with goodness and light. They shower me with feelings of happiness and erase that sinking feeling of guilt that I am failing them, that I don’t enjoy them enough, that I’m not appreciating how quickly it all passes.

I’m stuck in between the seasons. The sun still beating down and warming me up, readying myself for the chill of fall.

I like change. I welcome it. But I seem to be caught, like the seasons, trying to figure out which way to go. Do you ever feel caught? Stuck? Unsure of your position in the universe that is your small life?

I’m looking for my compass. It’s been lost for some time now. Do you think I can borrow yours to find my own?

I thought I always knew which way pointed North but now I’m not so sure. My life is like playing pin the tail on the moment and I’m usually just left spinning.

I’m not sure if she planned to send me flowers once her site was complete, but she did.

The doorbell rings and the dog barks and I look out the glass door at a scruffy dude holding a small, green vase of brilliantly colored flowers. I assume he has the wrong house.

“You got the wrong house,” I say.

He scrutinizes a crumpled piece of paper and says, “Number 48?”

I nod. I look puzzled. He plucks the card from it’s spiky, plastic holder. I open the seal and read the words. I nod again. I sign. I go inside. I am filled with the !!! so intentionally sent in my direction.

It’s a beautiful thing when someone fills you with !!! When you are not walking around your life snapping photos of the moments, trying to remind yourself that it’s there, trying to create memories of the !!! in your mind so that tomorrow you won’t forget.

Today I am not thinking about being on the receiving end, not about what’s going to make me happy. Today I am thinking about what I can do to make someone else happy. It’s still important that I get some !!! in my life for ME. We all need more happiness, more joy, more !!! But the feeling of giving is !!! in itself.

Giving. To give. To give of yourself. Your time. Your kind words. Your embrace. Your support. We all have something to give, what do you have? What do you have today?

So go on, share some !!! with a friend. Make your kid’s day. Show your partner a little extra love. Be spontaneous, yet purposeful. Send flowers. Just because. They’ll mean the world.

!!!

So…

what makes you

Please go visit my lovely friend Christine over at Coffees and Commutes! We launched her new site today and I am happy to have given her a fresh new space to call home.

I’ve had the privilege of meeting and spending some time with Christine and I can honestly say that she has a heart filled with love, and words that are just waiting to reach out and grab us. It has been an honor working with her to create this new site. We have a few things to finish up but we were excited to go live with the “new Christine.” I hope you enjoy the same sense of peace and calm from hanging around Coffees and Commutes that I do.

So GO GO GO.

!!!

I’ll be honest. I have a lot to say when I’m standing in the shower or driving in the car. Even, if you can imagine, while reading a Buzz Lightyear book to the little boys before bed–snuggled in between them, hunkered down on the bottom bunk, Ethan wedged into the space between the mattress and the wall, Max clutching his favorite blue blankie. My eyes see the words, my lips read the words, but I don’t hear the story. I hear my own thoughts. They tumble around and they are good. But the story ends and so with it my thoughts. I kiss the boys and close the door and even though it’s my time now, I’m filled with thoughts of must-do’s and have-to’s, contemplating how I’ll fill the quiet that is finally resting in my home.

When I open up this space and sit here to write, there is nothing. I begin draft after draft after draft. There are dozens. Not one of them seems to be something I ought to say. They are too much or too little. Too many details or truths, or not enough. It’s all been said before, I think. Reflections on motherhood, balance, presence. Reflections on happiness, suffering, identity. I have nothing new. I have, it seems, nothing worthy to put out there anymore. I am preoccupied with our finances, running a household, and decreasing my workload. I am preoccupied with the reflection of my body in store windows and, if I can stomach it, my own mirror. I am preoccupied with how to get it all done. But there is too much to do I can’t get it all done. In many ways this leaves me feeling empty, even when I am so, so full, too full. So full I am empty. How can this be?

Leaving the pages of this space blank leaves me feeling even emptier. I want so badly to write because for me it is connecting. And I need that. But I have nothing worthwhile to say anymore. I am drifting. Leaving and coming back to myself time and time again. Perhaps it is the time of year–new beginnings, new routines. Perhaps it is my shocking self-awareness that I am struggling more with the I Am Enough premise than I ever would have thought. I don’t know. I’m tired of thinking about it. But I’m more tired of wanting to write and not being able to. And of feeling lonely. I’m really f**king tired of that, too.

I’m about ready to delete this draft, too. It seems meaningless and inconsequential–something you’d write in a diary. This isn’t my diary. But I’ll force myself to hit publish. Who knows, maybe it will start the ball rolling again. Rolling forward, not in circles or around the house or through the yard. Forward.

Intentional Happiness
Cape Cod Vacation Edition

Sand worn by time and waves, so soft.

Running into the blue, blue sky, fueled by sun and laughter.

!!!

Finding his sea legs, leaving the comfort of my lap.

!!!

Washing the sand away in an outdoor shower under an open sky.

!!!

Finding a heart-shaped rock, oh my boy, oh my heart.

!!!

please excuse the lack of !!! icons this week–it seems I need a bathing suit with pockets!

What makes you

•

!!! = Intentional Happiness

Check out more !!! at Bad Mommy Moments, and link up below. We’ll check you out!

She lays her head on the hard metal armrest, feels her back pulled and pushed in ways that are nowhere near comfortable. Her spine is wrapped around the bump between the seats. She cups her hands and rubs her face and tries to wash away this angst she feels. The coming and going in her life. Excitedly leaving the children and their messes behind. Anxiously anticipating her return to it all. To the comfort they bring her. To the comfort of knowing exactly who she is when she is at home, with them, with their messes.

She closes her eyes and her body sinks into the hum of the airplane. The low, loud hum that she wouldn’t even notice if she weren’t paying attention. Her limbs cannot find a resting place but her mind is content, if only for a moment. I wish I had this noise at home, she thinks. This kind of loud, whirring, constant noise that slows me down and cushions everything. The noise that lulls a baby to sleep.

The peace and calm, they flee. Her anxieties flare yet again. She wrestles with herself. Why do I feel so unsteady? Why do I feel so out of place when I’m away? I’m the type of person who knows exactly who I am.

Or does she?

The waffling between confidence and insecurity is exhausting.

She wants to craft a hard, non-porous shell and hide inside. It might be easier, after all, to always know she’ll always be comfortable. But she is slowly, slowly learning to bridge the gap. And I am watching her in awe. As if she is not me at all, but a woman driven by a force outside of consciousness. Which makes no sense at all, because she is me. I her. And somewhere along the way we will come together. We will come home.

what i want to write is this:

I AM ENOUGH

but this is how i feel:

i’m afraid i’ll never write another decent stream of words in my life

i’m afraid i’ll never be able to hang on to the feeling of calm that a kickass conversation with a close friend brings

i’m afraid i’ll get lost in the dirty, boring details–the laundry, the bills, the organizing, scheduling, remembering of life

i’m afraid i’ll lose track of where i am and where i wanted to be and all that will remain is a washed-up woman with three children and a still-messy life

i’m afraid i’ll never learn how to fake it and that the truth will continue to scare people away

i’m afraid i’ll resign myself to crappy parenting and a crappy body image because i can’t find it within me to be consistently more than i consistently am not

–

despite my fears

i have to force myself to say it, write it, scream it aloud

because i know that it is true:

I AM ENOUGH

WE ARE ENOUGH

i believe it

in my heart of hearts

i just wish it weren’t so damn hard to remember

and there wasn’t so much struggle in life

because fuck character

i want some peace of mind

–

10. My body image

9. My children fighting

8. The 3-foot radius of pee around the toilet

7. Grocery shopping–how I loathe thee

6. The fact that our dog is in HEAT–ew!

5. Having zero time to wake.up.alone and adjust to the day and sip my coffee and take a deep breath UNLESS I get up before the kids at 5 am. But then how would I get in the me-time the night before, when I stay up too late cause I don’t want to go to bed cause I don’t want the day to start all over again with the same needy children beckoning for this and that and everything….

4. My prematurely grey hair–roots, people, I’ve got GREY ROOTS–not pretty

3. Scheduling. I’m trying–really trying–to get this one down for the benefit of everyone who knows me. But it’s hard, yo! And now that I realize it’s so hard I’m starting to get a complex about the possibility that I am just adverse to commitment. Could that be so? Blehg!

2. Writing. I’m having a rough time of it lately, if you haven’t noticed

1. My body image. Yup, it’s a repeat, ’cause it tops the list and ends the list and is always on my mind. I’ve got enough material bumbling around up there for a freaking dissertation on the female body but please see #2 and give me some leniency here (cause simple lists are writing too, right?)

•

Are you looking for the !!! today and sad you stumbled on such a grumpy post? Sooowwwwweeeee. How ’bout I send a little retro-!!! your way? Will that do it for you? Please excuse the crappy quality of this picture and instead soak up the stylish knee socks and my Cabbage Patch doll, Tammy. Oh how I loved that red-haired wonder with the autographed butt cheek.

I cleaned all the doodads off of the bookcase in the living room. The new order gives me room to appreciate not only the books lining the shelves, but the pictures that tell the stories of my life. Especially the one of me at age 5 carving a pumpkin.

!!!

I swirled through the house like a tornado cleaning up doodads in every room. As I was on my hands in knees in the little boys’ room collecting styrofoam letters and numbers, I reached up to wipe my very sweaty brow and there stood Dan, margarita in hand. Hello, lovely. Come to Mama.

!!!

Another tasty beverage? Black Cherry Soda, baby. During our oh-so-awesome visit on Sunday, Jen and I rushed through the grocery store gathering goods for dinner and, when we couldn’t quite reach the seltzer water at the top of the display, we *settled* for the Black Cherry Soda. Now that’s some kind of goodness, I tell you. And even better when I’m sharing the tasty moment with Jen while giggling like a teenager.

!!!

Say hello to my almost-finally-finished-basement-playroom. Every toy and kid thing that was previously on the first floor will now be in the basement. I cannot even describe the !!! this will bring to my life.

!!!

Combine the new play room with the new office that is being constructed on the opposite side of the basement and I’m actually overdosing on !!! My husband and I currently share an office on the first floor and let’s just say it’s not quite conducive to WORKING, WRITING, DESIGNING, or even writing a simple EMAIL. I love the guy dearly, but he chats me up about HIS STUFF every time I sit down. Luckily, his business (which celebrates it’s first official year next month) is flourishing and we’re able to build-out a much needed space for all of his super-techy stuff, including those boxes that come to the house DAILY. If I never have to trip over another one of those as I stumble to my computer at 5 am I’ll be perpetually !!! (at least about that ONE thing, right?).

!!!

Last but not least. Brothers. Holding hands.

I lose my breath each time I sneak a peek at this photo. It encompasses all that I am, all that they are, and all that my family means to me.

So simple.

So profound.

!!!

Now go hold hands with somebody and spread the !!!

what makes you

i made the bed this morning.
i smoothed the sheets. i laid the
blanket down. i folded the throw.
i placed the pillows.

the order was dreamy.
my mind felt clear.
i forgot about time pressing
upon me.
to get dressed.
to dress the kids.
to get shoes and jackets on.
bags of friends and blankies
in the car.
do the drop off.
get to work.

i wish these moments lasted longer.