I started an email response to Shawna, who commented on my last post, Thinking Out Loud. The email got so long and so intense that even though I continued writing, I had decided to post it on the blog as a direct reply to Shawna’s comment – because sometimes it’s just strange to privately respond to people we don’t know with so much information and so much honesty (even though that’s what we do in a blog post – weird) and I didn’t want to freak Shawna out. And because I was sharing such a significant expansion of the previous post and wanted to portray a clearer picture for everybody. But then I carried on, and on, and wrote more, and got teary (weepy, really) and found myself pouring out honest blurbs of my life as the mother of three sons. I don’t feel like I’m always making sense over here. I don’t have the time to toy with ideas and carefully craft posts. I’ve never been good at carefully doing anything in my life, especially writing coherent works without a great emotional stuggle. My email turned comment reply has now turned itself into a post all its own. I’m not afraid of the honesty anymore. It’s okay to live this way, because it makes the me inside my head more real. And that’s good. And that’s needed.
Shawna,
Wow. and Thank You. My sister and I are so close. Women have always dominated our family. As in, there were always more women than men. The women were loud. The women were strong. The women held us up. My grandmother is the ultimate matriarch, and we have all followed suit. I often feel lost in this household of men (boys, really). I know that they love me, will love me, will always love me, hold me in esteem, cherish my time and respect me. But I also know that they will not feel bonded to me as a daughter would. I am in tears even now just imagining the future, and seeing myself trying so hard to hold on, to know them when they are 25 as I know them now as little boys. It just won’t be the same. I hear the phone calls, myself trying to pull information from them, let them know I am still here. And I feel them slipping away already. So many people tell me that this doesn’t have to be the case. That their husband, or brother, or cousin is so close with his mother. Still, it is not the same. It is not the closeness that I know with my own mother. It will always be different. And I know that these friends of mine say this because they are trying to make light of my fear, and of my desire to feel a genuine closeness with my children. It seems so silly to mourn this already. I mean, my youngest is only one. My oldest is only six. I have so much time with them before this even has a chance of coming to fruition. But I know it’s there, somewhere in the future. I suppose it doesn’t HAVE to be. That I can nurture a relationship that is indeed terribly honest and open with my boys; and yet I know that just because they are men, they will never really understand what it is inside a woman that makes her who she is. Men and women – just so different.
On a positive note, I do look forward to seeing their brotherhood as time goes on. Holding each other up. Standing side by side in pictures at graduations and weddings. Handsome, strong, unique and glorious individuals that I am absolutely positive I will be proud of. I am happy that they will always have each other, and I hope and I hope and I hope that they form bonds so strong over the next 18 years that will last them forever, and get them through every good and bad moment that comes along in their lives. I want to see my oldest tease and tousle his little brothers. And to see the little brothers look up to their big brother for all that I know he will accomplish. Seek advice from him. Get in trouble together. Figure it all out together. This I can see and I can smile at.
I don’t know if I have four in me. Well, that’s not true. I know I have four in me. I don’t know if my husband does, or our house, or our patience does. The bigger question is though, will I feel a deeper sadness if I were to have another boy. A boy that I would love until the end of time. But a boy that I truly wished were a girl. That’s really unfair to say about having a fourth, as I dreamed and hoped that Ethan would be a girl, and sobbed the day of my ultrasound when I found out he was he. And now? Now it does not matter of course. It does not matter at all.
I am a mother with three sons. I always knew it would be this way. I don’t know why I even bother to worry about it. It’s the way it’s supposed to be. And it’s okay. It’s more than okay. It’s just that sometimes I wish I could really see a little me in the house. Right down to the anatomy. I’m sure it would drive us all crazy, but there’s some sweetness even in that.
Sarah
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(((hugs))) and tears streaming down my face. You are a lovely and beautiful woman that your sons will see. Will hear. Will feel. And even with my three daughters, I feel your heartache for my son, my first born, my baby. I know it too, and it is not less because of his sisters. I’ll respond to your email privately too but know that you have made a new friend albeit a stranger, simply in the face of your honesty. more (((hugs))).
ps I am an emotional writer too, trust me: your coherence shines through that emotion.
honest & beautiful
I swear, you put into words what I have always thought but never been able to articulate or–even more so–admit. I will be sharing your post with my sister (mother of 2 boys, like me) and my hubby (who insists that they will want to be around me and share and love and bond even when they grow up). I don’t know if I believe him, but when I don’t and allow myself to think that I might “have them” for only a few years, I find solace in the idea of watching these two boys grow up into men and what an amazing gift and honor that is to be a part of.
Oh, Sarah. As the mother of three boys, I understand so much of what you are saying. I will say that I never had my heart set on a daughter. Maybe this speaks to my background? I’ve always been very close to my dad and at odds with my mom and maybe don’t have the same mother-daughter bond that you know. But, given that, when we knew we were done after three boys, I did mourn the daughter I will never have. I could go on and on…. I may write a post about this. But mostly, I’m sorry that it’s so difficult. And you know that I am here with you, every step of the way as these boys of our grow. (PS– your writing is so clear that it gives me goosebumps.)
You know, it’s not really difficult. It just is. I never had my heart set on a daughter, either. Never. In fact, I wondered what the hell I would do with a girl if I ever had one. I didn’t get a pedicure until I was 22. I didn’t know how to use make-up. I wore jeans with holes and climbed trees and played Rambo. But it has dawned on me, as I’ve come into my own FINALLY, that these things don’t make up a girl. Clothes, hair, tea parties, baton-twirling, pink banana seat bikes. It’s the strength that we are born with, as women, that I will miss. That I wish I could witness growing up, from infancy through adolescence to graduations and weddings and LIFE AS I KNOW IT NOW. Of course, it wouldn’t ever work out so sweetly and so easily. I would have the daughter that found me fatally flawed and ran away and never came back (as I did at her age). But I still wish for it. All of it. Call me crazy.
And while this post is just a drop of a thought in the big bucket of me, I suppose it is a bit larger and heavier than most. But with my boys, I am already spilling over, so it’s all okay. It’s just a thought. And knowing that I’ve got my mother, my sister, my closest friends and you, Goldfish, makes it easier to clear away…
Twitter: Momalom
Hi Sarah
I am glad to have found your post because what you wrote is how I have always felt, and what people say to you, I have always heard. Our sons are now 22 and 20 and the oldest just got married. We were a very close family, I was a stay at home mom and my kids were my world. Their father and I are close and have always had a great relationship. When our boys went off to college I was sad, but did okay. That is what we raised them for. And when they started dating seriously, still I was okay. We want them to be happy and in love. But as the wedding day approached, things started to change. Our son promises it will be different after the wedding and I pray that is so. But I can tell you as much as I enjoyed the wedding, because it was beautiful and everyone was so happy. I learned that the family of the groom are ignored by the photographer and that all that matters is the brides family. The only photo the photographer took with me or my husband was when we posed with the brides parents, probably when entered the reception and hopefully when my son and I danced (which was amazing and very sad at the same time). Please think about adoption. If this could happen to me, who has always had a wonderful relationship with my sons, it can happen to you. Our youngest son is dating a woman who is very close to her mom. My mom died when I was 6 and I was never close to my step mom, nor any of my step sisters, and my grandmothers died when I was young. You are blessed that you are close to your mom and sister. I do have a great best friend and am close to her daughters, but I will never have a daughter unless at 49 I consider adopting an older girl that needs a family. I wish you the best. Enjoy the precious time you have.
Sarah, YES. YES, YES, and YES again. I thank you so much. I feel heard!
And I feel even sadder now, but that is okay, because I know I am not alone.
Twitter: elmowallpaper
No, you are so completely NOT alone.
Twitter: Momalom
You all are definitely not alone in thinking this way.
We found out today that baby #3 is a boy…. another healthy, loud and proud little boy. Of course, this is the end of the line in baby making for hubby and I. Having to face the fact that I am never going to have that little girl I so long have hoped and ached for is quite the emotional battlefield. I feel blessed to have another healthy child to love and care for, but at the same time I want to feel that closeness that I have with my mother, with a daughter of my own.
Here’s to the hope for great daughter-in-laws and grand-daughters! =)