This is the place where we admit it all. Where we say what we can’t say to our friends at the playground. To our neighbors at a backyard barbecue. Where we coddle the voice that sits within. The one that whines in frustration at all the chores and the failures. The deeds undone. The lives we don’t have. But we want. The people we see inside ourselves. But can’t always become.
This is the place where we try not to portray ourselves as someone in particular. We place no judgment. We find no fear. We look for resolve.
This is the place. Where I am most me.
And perhaps this is what is most scary. About being a mommy. That motherhood requires this place. For me. Right now. A secret world of blogs and tweets. Perceptions unveiled. Truths revealed. Melodies sung among a harmony of sisters online. Women. Mothers. Caretakers.
And I am just one woman.
I’m not scary smart. I don’t have a superior IQ. I’m not scary beautiful. My face bears no resemblance to an Italian Renaissance sculpture – except for maybe its pallor. I’m not scary gifted. I have no defining talent. No artistic outlet or craft, nor study nor hobby that regularly distracts me from the mundane. No natural ability that defines me in any sense. Besides parenting, that is. And everything that “parent” connotes.
I’m not scary emotional. I’m not scary stylish. I’m not scary mommish. I’m not scary conservative, or liberal, or bland. I’m not scary obstinate, nor scary lame. I’m not scary rich. But I’m wealthy. Yes I’m oh very scary wealthy.
Because,
you see,
there are these children.
These, them, those guys over there. Yup, right there. The ones that are tackling each other in the next room. I have them. They are my weakness. They breed my weakness. And I have no trouble admitting to it. Any of it. My love for them and my contempt. My anger and dismay about everything they take from me and all that I am not because of them. My ache and joy and every wish for everything they hope for and deserve.
Because of this scary, scary wealth, I am very scary honest. This, above all else, is what makes me a scary mom: my need to breathe honesty and truth about everything and all that I have become since children poured from my womb and broadened the capacity of my heart to love.
I struggle with this need for transparency. This need to explore the depths of emotion brought on by mothering three children. By raising my boys in the best way I know how. With trial and error. With great failures and even greater successes. I don’t need to list all that I do wrong. Nor tag all my flaws. They are there to be seen. I curse. I cry. I crave freedom. I expose it all for the world to see. And though sometimes I fear what the world sees in me, I fear not what I see in myself. It is my sole reason for truth. For honest emotion. For honestly writing about these emotions.
I need to be everything that I can be. This is my only shot. I am their only mother. This “gig.” This oh so overwhelming gig of motherhood. Caretaker. Mouthfeeder. Nurturer. Hugger. Kisser. Keeper of the hearts in this home of ours. It is a tall order. To fill it is daunting. I’m not sure I know how. Will ever know. Should even strive to know. What I do know is I put one toe out there and let the rest follow along. I have to trust that what I am about to do is all that I can do in any given moment, and yet remember that there is always another way to do it, and I am not stuck. And I can always just stop, and give someone a hug. And admit I am often clueless. And move on. And try again.
What I hope is that this honesty enriches my life – and the lives around me. That giving this of myself will be a model for my children. That they will see how hard I work to share my truest thoughts with them and the people that I love. And that no one will hold it against me that I’ve found a small niche of the universe to share it with.
This post was inspired by The Search for a Scary Mommy over at ScaryMommy.com. I’m not sure I want my kids to think of me as a scary mommy. I’m not sure I want to think of myself as a scary mommy. But all that comes with being their mom is certainly very scary from time to time. I am, however, in a mood tonight where I happen to be focusing on the bigger picture. If you catch me tomorrow I’ll probably be back to complaining about the grocery shopping. Scary, indeed.
Much to my surprise, this post was chosen as the winner of The Search for a Scary Mommy contest. Sometimes it really pays off to send your husband up to bed alone and sit in your favorite chair getting cozy with your own words.
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Sarah,
Your honesty enriches my life. Absolutely. It’s only one small life, but it is made bigger and more comfortable by your words. I share so utterly your sense of both inspiration to be better for your children and daunted by the effort. I also wonder where the border is, where the transparency I too live with becomes problematic for my children. I tread it daily, tracing the line in the sand between okay and too much with my sneaker toe. And some days I feel like I’m looking at the wrong line and have no idea where I am or what I’m doing.
Please know I’m grateful you are out there.
Lindsey
Twitter: lemead
Lindsey,
I can’t find the words to reply. Know that I sit here at my most boring office desk – at my paying job (blech) – and take a deep breath. The word “thank you” escape my lips and grace this cold, bitter environment I’m subjected to for 40 hours a week. It is comments like these that encourage a writer, no? Encourage a lonely woman sitting in her lonely office doing her lonely work of paying bills and tallying costs and analyzing other peoples’ money.
I am finally at a place in my life where I can’t imagine why I WOULDN’T be honest. I am saddened by the fact that I was dishonest for so very much of my life. I am enlightened by the fact that I have had the ability and the wherewithal to change.
Above all I am grateful that you are out there, too. It’s nice to know that we are not alone as we spin through the cycles of this life.
*thank you*
Twitter: Momalom
This was absolutely beautiful! I loved reading this post and your take on what a scary mommy is. Well written!
Hello there new commenter. We love us some new commenters and do hope you will return.
I have to admit I had a wee bit of trouble with the scary mommy tag. I can list a hundred things I do in a day that set me miles apart from June Cleaver. But I’m not sure there is anything “new” in that. Women are celebrating the “bad mother” online more now than ever. I scream and yell and cry and whine and dole out the “evil eye” and the “silent treatment” with the best of them. It is the celebration of this realism that is missing from our real lives. And the honesty to tell it without sounding too grave and unappreciative of all the wealth in our lives.
Hmm. A bit too profound for me on this Friday morning. I’m just trying to make it through until dinner and drinks with my sister tonight. Thank goodness for sisterhood. And for the blogging life. It has brought us closer to each other, a great community, and closer to ourselves.
Twitter: Momalom
I think that list of scary/bad terms would apply to me, but so does the ever-persistent desire to live a truthful, honest life that celebrates my authentic self. This post is a great reminder that when you really show up in your life, everyone benefits — even if it’s a little scary at times.
Twitter: millermix
Hello new twitter friend. Twerson? Tweep? Fellow twitterer?
Yes, the weekend has officially begun. Although I remain in my office at my paying job, it is my non-paying job that I am ready to get back to. My kids and, yes, a glass of wine.
I’m going to quote you because I need to hear it again…and when I write it myself it sounds a little louder in my mind:
“When you really show up in your life, everyone benefits.”
Yes. Thank you for getting that. And for condensing a lot of what I was getting at into a perfect one-liner. One that I’m going to tweet right now!
Twitter: Momalom
Another wow! blog from you. And, again, so true! This motherhood thing is a real roller coaster ride. Sometimes it brings out the best the me, and sometimes it brings out the worst. I just keep trying to do my best, no matter how inadequate that seems some days, and hope that my kids will grow up and understand. And not need too much therapy! Thanks for sharing; it makes me feel like I’m not alone!
Twitter: CZRiley
I loved every word of this post– you really have a way with the words. :) You hit the nail on the head with this: “They are my weakness. They breed my weakness. And I have no trouble admitting to it. Any of it. My love for them and my contempt. My anger and dismay about everything they take from me and all that I am not because of them. My ache and joy and every wish for everything they hope for and deserve.” Perfection. :)
Thanks, Jill. It’s lovely to know that we can be heard and understood by women we have never met. Women who share the same joys and frustrations of motherhood. I enjoyed your writing prompt – or contest, as it were – and am enjoying reading the wealth of entries that were submitted. It’s a good time to be a scary mom, with Halloween coming up. :) I think I’ll don a witch’s cap, literally this time, and march behind my children down the street, stealing small packets of skittles and hunks of chocolate with giddy glee.
Twitter: Momalom
C’mon back to my place when you have a sec. :)
What an amazing post! I tip my quill to you! You definitely added a beautiful elegance to your post! I’ve definitely been hanging around my boys tooooooooooo long! Congrats on your well deserved, heart-felt win! I know exactly how you feel! (not about the win, but about motherhood:)
Thank you! I know what you mean about hanging around with the boys too long. With four penises in this house I can often forget the softer side of me, the one that does indeed like to feel elegant. :)
Twitter: Momalom
Congratulations Scary Mommy! I just love this post it is absolutely great! I am pregnant with my third and will be subscribing as soon as I hit submit!
Great job!
Twitter: mommywords
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Three kids is definitely a whole lot different than two. Some might say scarier. Some might say harder. I would have to agree with both. I would have to admit its chaotic. But the beauty of it is that you have another person in your family to love and to be loved. More relationships to form and flourish. (I think I might even be crazy enough to have four. But shhh!)
Twitter: Momalom
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! A very well deserved win, I might add. This post was beautiful. I truly enjoyed reading it. :) It tugged at my heartstrngs as I could relate. I know I already commented but I had to say congrats to you!
Thanks for coming back, Loukia. I appreciate the congratulations. The many fabulous comments from fabulous women is so sweet and warming on this cold and rainy New England day.
Twitter: Momalom
Sister, you and your sister are on a roll!! I mean really, you just keep digging and then floating on a truth, digger deeper and soaking in a truth, and deeper yet…it’s AMAZING. Such an honor to be here….
Thanks, Heather. I do feel like we are on a roll. We are listening hard to the words within and letting them bubble to the surface. It’s liberating. It’s freedom. Thanks for being here.
Twitter: Momalom
Wow. What an amazing post. Seriously, I’m not scary emotional either… but girl, you had me getting all misty-eyed by the end. Congrats on your win. Well deserved.
Reading the words “misty-eyed” kinda makes me a little misty-eyed. It’s a magical thing to impact other people with the written word. I am thrilled to see so many comments and responses. It inspires me to write another post even when I’m tired and dreary and just want a soft blanket and my pillow. :)
Twitter: Momalom
Hi Sarah,
Just loved your post. Thank you for inspiring us moms. I copied your post onto my blog but I’m not sure I quoted you right. In fact, I know I didn’t. But I have a whole 5 followers so maybe they will check your other awesome posts out too. Yay for you! and thanks for making it feel alright to put our lives out there-for all the world to see,…and judge.
Vannessa
Vanessa,
I left a ridiculously long comment on your post. I thank you for putting my post up at your site. And love the response that you wrote. I applaud you for cursing – yup, scary right? – and I applaud you for saying “enough is enough, I need to say what I need to say.” It’s hard. No matter what people say, that DO judge. We have to find it within ourselves to be comfortable with that fact, and comfortable with who we are and the life we lead. Yeah, easier said than done. I’ve pulled down my About Page because I suddenly got uncomfortable about it a couple of days ago. However, I think this post has given me another bit of courage to put it all out there again. I think I’ll be re-publishing it later today.
:)
Twitter: Momalom
congratulations, girlfriend! (have i told you today that you’re awesome – and can i send you a giant internet hug or what?!)
i love this post. i think being scary honest is the line that you force yourself to walk right against. the line where there is no smudging, no shading, no veering off to the other side where deceit hangs out. scary honest is the gut-wrenching decision to write down the words or think the thoughts you really don’t want to write or think because then you will have to feel them. it’s telling your kids the cold, hard, scary truth, whether that truth is about Bad Strangers Who Hurt Little Kids or how mommies and daddies make mistakes too, and hope it doesn’t chip off too much of their childhood.
“That they will see how hard I work to share my truest thoughts with them and the people that I love.” being scary honest *is* hard freaking work.
“The line you force yourself to walk against… No smudging, no shading, no veering.” Yes, perfect.
I feel so peaceful today. I don’t mind the messes in my house. The grocery list that’s not yet done. The soccer game we’ve got to spectate in the rain. This is probably the largest number of responses that I’ve gotten on a piece since we started Momalom. And it’s not even the numbers that count. It’s the fact that people like you are saying things like this – reshaping my idea of “scary” in their own words, for their own lives. How cool is it to just know you’ve been heard sometimes? I swear, I’m louder in real life but every tends to ignore me at home. This little piece of the internet is my home away from home. Thanks for listening, as always!
Twitter: Momalom
Dear Sarah,
After 3 pieces of chocolate ,I think I finally have the motivation to write to you. In the spirit of being honest, I really wanted to win this one and I’m sad knowing your children will be captured on a flip instead of mine.
BUT I will also admit that when you reach as deep down into your soul as you did, and bring out something so exquisite it deserves all the recognintion and more. You captured the spirit of the contest and there is no denying that you deserve this award. Like they say, “The truth will set you free.” (and maybe win you an award or two) Congratulations, Sarah. My sulking is over and I rejoice with you:)
Thank you for your honesty. Truly truly. Both about the sulking and about my piece. I know what failure is. Trust me. And maybe that is why I never thought that I would win this thing. In fact, my entry was not a bid to be picked, but just another place to join the community. I was overwhelmed by all the entries and am now even more overwhelmed by the fact that my post was chosen. Thank you for reading. And…come back! We like all kinds of honesty here. Whatever they bring.
Twitter: Momalom
beautifully written. congrats on your win :)
Thank you!
Twitter: Momalom
Beautiful. Congrats!
Thank you, Deb!
Twitter: Momalom
You really struck a chord with me. With so many moms out there. Beautifully written. Wonderful! Thank you for sharing your honesty, and congratulations for your win!!
Thank you. I hope the chord was sweet sounding! I appreciate the kind words and really, just the fact that you took the time to read. Thanks!
Twitter: Momalom
Gorgeous post. I entered too, and had lots of fun reading other entries!
I tweeted you up today! Everyone should read this essay!
Twitter: nevertruetales
Thanks, Amy! I finally have a quiet house and a few moments to myself, so I’ll be catching up on the other entries as well. I’m looking forward to all the many voices out there reflecting on the same topic. This has been my first writing prompt/contest and I love the feeling of community that it has brought about for me.
Thank you also for the tweets! Now I have to go make sure that I am following you!
Sarah
Twitter: Momalom
I absolutely positively and totally love this post.
Thank you.
Twitter: HeatheroftheEO
Thank YOU, Heather.
I recently found your site and love the title in every way. Because it really is the ordinary that’s so damn extraordinary. I’m glad you took a minute to come by our little space here. Comments feed a blogger’s soul, as they say. :)
Twitter: Momalom
Just read your post over at ScaryMommy and this was such an amazing well written stuck in my heart post. Thank you for being so scary honest.
I just had a conversation with my cousin/BFF today about wanting sometimes to be selfish for “ME” time but feeling guilty when it means giving up some of “THEM” time. It’s a constant battle trying not to lose yourself in the sea of Mommyhood. But we agreed we wouldn’t have it any other way….because the love of our children is truly and scarily amazing :)
Most excellent post again and glad to have stopped by!
My best friend is due with her first baby TOMORROW! I have been doing motherhood for 7 years. And now, with three boys, I don’t even have the time to TRY to explain what it’s like to someone who isn’t a mother. I am so excited for her to finally feel the love and joy and excitement of motherhood. But you’re right, it IS scary. And we can’t go back. So even on the days that I feel lost at sea, I try to settle my thoughts on those feelings of love and joy and luck. Because I know I’m lucky for my three boys. For their health. For our overall happiness.
Twitter: Momalom
What an amazing post! Congratulations on your win. You have moved me on this Sunday morning while I’m fighting to function, you have opened my eyes more than my coffee has, thank you. Off to read more.
Any comparison to coffee is a ridiculously large compliment. I’m honored. And, I’m so happy that you came by. I feel like I fight to function more days than not. This place helps me remain stable, at times. So why can’t I take some time to write something new tonight? Gah! Tomorrow will have to do.
Twitter: Momalom
I’m here from Heather (E.O.)’s blog. Whether or not you’re any of those other “scary” things, you’re definitely scary good with your words.
Thank you! I love it that “scary” can be a total compliment or even a turn on in the right context. Thanks for dropping in. I’m blown away by the responses to this post. It’s giving me the energy to do and be more. And energy is surely always needed when you’re a mother.
Twitter: Momalom
You say: “I have no defining talent. No artistic outlet or craft, nor study nor hobby that regularly distracts me from the mundane. No natural ability that defines me in any sense.” Are you kidding me? Do you see the comments you have? Your writing, your honesty, your raw-ness is your talent, and I am glad to see I am not the only one who realizes that, nor am I the only one who feels that, because of you, my life is easier.
“And though sometimes I fear what the world sees in me, I fear not what I see in myself. It is my sole reason for truth. For honest emotion. For honestly writing about these emotions.”
Wow, that is some seriously powerful stuff right there. Beautiful.
Late to the comments on this one, but couldn’t resist. Hauntingly beautiful. Cryptically honest. Full of love and longing. Stuffed with wise words and keen insights and big questions. At once unsettling and enriching. Life is insanity for me at the moment, but realizing I must stop by to read yours and Jen’s words on a daily basis no matter what. Must.
Twitter: ADonnRowley
Wow. This is the first post I’ve read here. You touched me and I’ll be back. I wrote about it and linked: http://gratitude365.blogspot.com/2009/10/gratitude-has-new-look.html
Hi Sarah, BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL post. You put into words what I feel EVERYDAY and often have a hard time putting into words myself….
“My love for them and my contempt. My anger and dismay about everything they take from me and all that I am not because of them. My ache and joy and every wish for everything they hope for and deserve.” THIS is the honesty and the transparency that I so often feel…and so often am afraid to admit…that parenting can be such a paradox…a struggle. Great writing. I’ll keep following.
Found you through the “Motherhood” web site by the way. Just saw the movie and thought it was hilarious…just reviewed it on my blog!