“..and when you’re at work all day then you go out for beers or whatever else it is you do, and get home at 7 or 8 or 9, what am I doing? What am I doing while you’re out having all this fun?”
“Being a mom.”
“And?”
silence..
Am I that one-dimensional? Is that all I am? A mom? Aren’t I also the woman you fell in love with? The woman who used to make you laugh? The woman with strong opinions and deep loyalty? I am mom, but I am also still that woman. Do you even see me anymore? Or do you see a dull, faded washerwoman with a wan smile, a dishrag, and a bunch of kids? These are your kids, too. These are your kids who need their father at home sometimes, to tuck them in at night or brush their teeth. I am the mom, I always will be the mom, and I will never shirk that responsibility. Why do you cast off your own yoke as Dad? Why do you stay away almost every night instead of coming home to your family?
There is only cold silence and anger where there used to be laughter and affection. There is fighting instead of dancing in the kitchen. Months follow months and nothing changes. If you want to go, just go. Don’t drag this out anymore. If you want to stay, show me. Fight for me. See me.
**********************************************
This post is an anonymous entry to the Half-Drunk Challenge.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Anon, I just wanted to give a little shout out of support. Good for you for getting it down. I wish you the best in working through this with your husband. Hugs to you.
Twitter: claritychaos
“If you want to stay, show me. Fight for me. See me.”
I am in tears. I am grateful for your bravery to write this down, to say it out loud. You are not alone. Those of us that have also gone, are going, through this may be afraid to admit the anger ’cause what are you going to do about it? And when there are kids involved, do you just walk out? Split up? Or we are afraid of saying it ’cause it may make us look bad. How come the other husbands are not like mine? How come every woman, in my mind at least, is praising how helpful her husband is? How sensitive he is? How appreciative of her he is? Or we are worried that we may just sound bitter.
You are not alone. I hope this serves as some comfort.
Wow. Here’s the thing, I think, though: whoever wrote this…you’ve GOTTA tell Him this. Be anonymous to the world, but if you’re anonymous to him, then you’re allowing it. Don’t get me wrong: i am not saying you’re permitting him to not be a dad or a husband; but often, we tell everyone else what our loved ones are doing wrong…we are blunt and honest with everyone else…except the person who is making us feel that way.
Anon, my heart aches for you through these words you’ve written. But I do hope you’ve said them to your husband. I do hope he knows you want him to fight for your marriage and it’s not just you fighting alone. I never really knew how hard marriage was going to be after kids. But really, it’s A LOT of work. And if both sides aren’t willing participants, there’s no way it can work. I applaud you for writing this all down so it’s clear to you what you need and how you feel. But be sure you let him know too!
Twitter: dramaformama
This is incredibly brave. And from a different vantage point – please let me bring a slightly different perspective to the fore. One of the wife who thought it was as easy as a few conversations, that her marriage would be forever, and it wasn’t, and it wasn’t.
Depending on your circumstances, as much as you might want to say “if you want to go, go… ” if he does, what comes after may be much harder than you’ve ever imagined. Hang on to the “fight for me” thought, but take a breath, as tired and angry and frustrated as you are, and think carefully about consequences. Because depending upon your situation (and a lot of logistics), if a husband goes, you could be left holding a pretty frightening bag for many years to come.
You also need to fight for him to, to fight for his seeing the “you” you want him to see – as inequitable as that might sound. Because it’s pragmatic. And because you must hang on to the pragmatic if you want to keep those kids taken care of, and yourself taken care of. And if you want a way back to a you – both of you – that has gone missing.
So consider your words carefully. Consider what you want, and how to build contingency plans. And consider what you really feel, and what you want him to feel and hope he still does. Or hope he’s willing to rebuild. Because if he’s already staying out and not coming home to the woman he thinks you are, there’s more than a single conversation to be had. (Sorry guys if you’re reading – but sometimes you don’t see our depths and our breadth and all our hats – not to mention how simple it would be to extend a hand and have the woman you married back again).
SO. GOOD FOR YOU FOR SAYING AND WRITING THIS!!! And now be smart, and judicious in your words. And choose them keeping in mind your future, and that is dependent on your age, how long you’ve been married, how many kids, your family, your finances and why he isn’t around like he used to be. Yes – you want him to fight for you, to see you. It’s the most natural thing in the world. He may be feeling the very same thing. Just be wise.
Twitter: BigLittleWolf
This post is staggering in its powerful simplicity. I commend you for your bravery in speaking your truth here, Anon, and wish you the strength to apply these feelings as you see fit.
Twitter: Motherese
I have goosebumps. This is beautiful and powerful. Maybe writing this will help. Maybe you’ll need to do more. Regardless… I commend you for the clarity to identify yourself and for the strength to share yourself with us. Thank you.
I have not read the rest of the comments, and I may be in the minority for saying what I am about to say, but: Maybe this has to be the way it is right now. Maybe it’s part of a transition. Maybe it’s a down in the inevitable up or down of relationships. Maybe identifying how you feel is soothing. Maybe saying these things to him now would do more damage than good. Now. Maybe. Only you know, of course, what to do next. But I have been in a place where I wonder if we will make it through. The place that screams, “What if we hadn’t had these children?” It is a low, low place. The loss of self. Of couplehood. It is hard. I hope for you with all my heart that this is the lowest. That things improve. That by putting this down in writing some clarity comes. Some clarity and some progress. For you. And him. And the entire family. Thank you for entering.
Twitter: MomalomJen
I shutter as I read these words. Tears roll down my face. Your pain is so raw and real.
So many wise and wonderful women have commented with sage advice. I can only add hope to the mix. Since you are expressing this, you must love your husband. You feel so alone. You are not alone. Many women experience this pain. Ups and downs of a relationship, as Jen said. And, as BLW stated, you must fight as well.
Anon, I don’t know you. Yet, I am praying for you. For comfort. For solace. I hope writing this helped you.
Twitter: ambrosiat
Thank you for having the courage to write this. I too have many moments when I wonder if we’ll get through a rough time and I agree that only you knows what is the right thing to do next, if anything. I hope that writing this either helped you to heal a bit or opened up possibilities for the future.
Twitter: momlissa